October 11, 2007

Talking About Sex

Recently, I had the opportunity to read Third Base Ain’t What it Used to Be, by Logan Levkoff. Hers is one of the best books about sex that I’ve read in a very long time.

When I received the book in the mail I was a bit skeptical. I have a three year old son. How would it benefit me to know how to talk to him about sex at his age, I wondered.

Turns out, I would be learning more than I bargained for. Starting with the right terminology for our reproductive anatomy.

Levkoff encourages parents to say vulva and penis as early as our children are born. It’s less embarrassing, she writes, for your little darling to say penis than wee-wee. I have to agree.

I immediately began asking Dawson if he knew where his penis was and he looked perplexed. Doug, however, thought I was insane.

“He can’t be saying penis! He’s three!” he said.

“Do you really want him to say pee-pee? I think it’s smart to say the right words!” I shot back.

I told Doug to read Logan’s book and he sort of rolled his eyes at me. I caught him later, peeking at pages when he thought I wasn’t looking.

My husband does not read books. Ever. The mere fact that he picked up this book was well worth the discussion on terminology!

Guess which three-year-old now knows where his penis and scrotum are? (Yes, he says scrotum and I have to admit it makes me giggle just a tad.)

When I was a child my parents didn’t discuss sex or anatomy unless we were talking about using the toilet, while taking a bath, or discussing where babies came from.

Boys had pee-pees and girls had tee-tahs. I don’t even have a clue where my parents came up with these words. And as for babies, they came from God. That’s all I knew.

As Catholics, conversations about sexuality often turned religious. “Don’t have sex before marriage. Don’t go out with boys until you’re twenty. Don’t say penis and vagina unless you’re in science class. Sex education in school is okay only if they’re talking about anatomy and reproduction. Homosexuality is a sin.” The list of taboo topics was as long as the Nile.

Levkoff offers pointers that will make these conversations less stressful for parents and children. She tells us to:

1. Take a deep breath.
2. Make it simple.
3. No clue? No problem.
4. Timing is essential.
5. Be patient.
6. Practice makes perfect.
7. Actions speak louder than words.
8. Don’t make assumptions.

Of course her advice is more detailed, and you’ll have to read her book to get the full value of her excellent ideas (trust me you will not be disappointed!). I believe the last tip is the most important.

As a teenager, if I brought up sex with my mother she would instantly say, “You’re not having sex, are you?”

I was embarrassed for asking, and mad that she assumed I was sexually active. Often, I became defensive and withdrawn out of fear that I’d get in trouble for something I didn’t even do. I know my mother meant well and she was probably as scared as I was to discuss sex.

After that incident, I decided Mom wasn’t my best resource. I find this sad when I look back on it today. I found my answers at the local library by reading The “What’s Happening to My Body” Book for Girls, circa 1984. Frankly, the book scared me, and I couldn’t go to my mother to ask her for clarification.

I was 17 when I finally got up the nerve to ask again, and this time my mother took another approach. She sat down and talked to me about sex. She told me about the first time she had sex, how she was a virgin and didn’t have sex before marriage, and I remember her saying sex hurt. A lot. She didn’t like it. Or maybe she said she wasn’t supposed to like it? I was in shock and don’t remember much else.

Logan addresses the question about women experiencing pain the first time they have sex, as well as questions about sex during menstruation. I was cheering because finally someone was willing to tell the truth to these young girls.

I can only hope that other mothers aren’t afraid to speak to their daughters about this. The best part is that Logan talks about teaching our daughters that sex is enjoyable. It is perfectly okay for women to enjoy sex. This isn’t just for the benefit of men.

Alleluia! I distinctly remember a time when I was made to feel ashamed for liking sex with my husband.

My mother talked to me about sex from a religious standpoint. I was appreciative, but I was also afraid of the consequences of pre-marital sex and “what God would think”.

Not to discredit my mother, because I was a virgin until I met my husband and he’s my one and only partner. I must have retained some of my mother’s Catholic values, but I don’t believe in the scare tactics or the “Fear of God” method.

This book offers solid advice. Levkoff even asked her students what they wish they’re parents knew when talking to them about sex. She answers the most common questions kids and teens ask about sex and shares a few anecdotes about some questions she may not have expected.

One student asked “How do you know if your father is cheating on your mother?” Imagine your child asking that question. What would you say?

Logan addresses homosexuality and several myths associated with it; she talks about pregnancy, abortion, miscarriage, cybersex, phone sex, pornography and many other issues our children know about, even when we think they don’t. Think about all the sexual imagery that adults see every day. Our children aren’t stupid, they know. They see it, too.

Levkoff also debunks the five most common sex myths, such as: A woman cannot become pregnant if she has unprotected sex during her period, oral sex is safe sex, “pulling out” is an effective safer-sex method, if the person “looks clean” they “are clean” and anal and oral sex are good ways of maintaining your virginity.

I was very impressed with the mountain of information presented, yet it was not overwhelming or scary. Logan is precise without burdening a parent with too much information.

Levkoff gives the facts, she is straightforward and her book is easy to read. Most importantly, she helps you teach your children about sex according to your values. What parent could ask for anything more?

I strongly urge you to go out and get Third Base Ain’t What it Used to Be. It’s worth your time. I’ve already passed my copy to my mother. I have a sixteen-year-old brother and I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable when talking to him about sex! (Maybe my dad should read it, too!)