October 13, 2009

Happy Anniversary!

Here’s to eight years, (soon-to-be) two kids, a dog, a house and more fun than one could ever imagine.  Love you, forever and always.

May 9, 2009

Power Struggle

Today is the first Saturday in which I have nothing planned.  No errands to run, no weekend obligations, no appointments or family visits.  It’s the first Saturday that I can spend at home doing whatever I want.

As I try to do just that, I realize the house is out of order again.  It’s nagging me.

• Dawson has toys scattered across the living room floor and I’m trying to fight the urge to pick them up.
• The mail is piled up on the side table, waiting for me to sort through it.
• My craft corner is so disorganized and it’s driving me crazy.
• Dawson’s room looks like the aftermath of a tornado.
• My bathroom counter is cluttered with cosmetics and hair products (which I’m not using because I’m too tired to care what I look like these days.  Sad but true.)
• The kitchen is actually clean, but dishes are still in the drying rack waiting to be put away.

Last Saturday I spent the day in a cleaning frenzy, but it was all in vain.  I came down with a nasty virus the next day and did not have the energy to maintain the house.

But you know what really ticks me off?  The fact that my husband didn’t even bother to step in while I was on my death bed.  (Okay, I’m being dramatic.  I know.)

I just don’t understand why it’s so hard for him to actually help me.  Sure, he’ll do dishes and laundry,  but he never puts the stuff away.  It’s so half-assed.

When he gets home from work he does what he wants to do.  Lawn care, gardening, puttering in the garage, whatever  — and I don’t complain.  But when I ask for help he gets bent out of shape.  Sometimes I think he thinks that because he works outside the home he shouldn’t have to do anything else.

This is total crap.  While he’s doing his stuff, I’m the one parenting Dawson and trying to get housework done at the same time.  This is like building a house during a tornado.  It cannot be done.  Dawson can be very demanding.  He’s an only child right now, and he’s gotten his parents’ undivided attention all his life.  I can distract him for short periods of time, but when he’s bored he lets me know.

To be honest, I feel like my husband and I are in the middle of a power struggle; each one of us is trying to be in control.  We’re not working together.  We’re both very stubborn, too.

It shouldn’t be so hard to communicate and cooperate.  It should be easy to just hash it out and come up with a plan to get stuff done.  But, why do I feel like I’m the only one willing to change? Why do I feel like the this burden will forever be on my shoulders?  Why do I feel like my husband just doesn’t get it?  Why do I feel like he doesn’t appreciate all that I do?

Knowing myself too well, I’ll start cleaning like crazy.  I’ll be crabby and resentful the rest of the weekend.  Knowing my husband, he won’t understand why I’m mad.  And I won’t tell him because I hate confrontation.  We’ll continue this power struggle until the end of time.

Should I just suck it up and do what needs to be done?  What would you do?

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Don’t forget!  Today is the last day to enter the Evenflo Comfort Select giveaway over at Dana reviews!  Comments will be open until 11:59 p.m.  Go enter!  And good luck!

December 4, 2008

Mommy Needs a Time-Out

I had a mommy meltdown last Sunday afternoon.  I don’t really know what set me off, but I began yelling and cursing and crying because I just couldn’t put a smile on my face and pretend everything was hunky dory.  Did you know Hunky Dory was an album by David Bowie?  I just learned that when I googled how to spell hunky dory. Anyway, back to my temper tantrum.

It all started with our Thanksgiving plans.  Sometimes we go to my parents’ house, once or twice we visited Doug’s parents’ house and this year we decided to forego it all.  I was in no mood to deal with the families this year.  I know it’s wrong of me to think that way, but I’ve been too busy these days, and being with my family can be stressful.  I knew I’d probably lose my mind in front of my parents or in-laws.  They can thank me later for sparing them this torture.  Doug and Dawson weren’t as lucky.

Because we didn’t make plans to go to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner, we decided to compromise and made plans to go to my mom and dad’s house on Sunday to watch the Packer game.  I was looking forward to it.  Football watching is one of my favorite activities, especially with my dad and my brother Nathan.  We’re diehard Cheeseheads, and Packer games are tons of fun when watched with them.  (Except when our GBP’s lose, then we over-analyze all that went wrong and which plays McCarthy should have used to clinch the win.)

Needless to say, Sunday morning got off on the right foot when I overslept and missed church.  I had to work that morning, too, so I was already late in starting my rotation.  I plowed through it, trying to be done by noon, but at quarter to the hour I still wasn’t done.  I knew I’d need another half hour or so to finish up, and I asked Doug to call my dad and tell him we’d be late.

Of course, my request went in one ear and out the other.  Doug and Dawson were laying on the couch watching Spongebob (He’s baaaaaaack!), and I was furious.

I tried to ignore the anger and I took my laptop to the bedroom to finish my work in a quieter setting.  Then I lost my internet connection.  It took twenty minutes to figure out that the router was acting stupid, but after resetting things, all was well.

That’s when Doug asked if I was ready to go.  I blew my top.  I lost my mind and began yelling at my beloved.

“Are you f*cking kidding me?  I asked you to call my Dad and say we’d be late.”

“Yeah, but you know your dad, he’ll be mad we’re not there.”

“Fine, then go without me.”

“Well, what am I supposed to say when he asks where you are?”

“Tell him I’m fricken working you mo-ron.”

“Why are you getting so flipping mad at me?”

He was standing there with this look on his face, as if he had no clue as to why I was so pissed off.  I wanted to hit him over the head with a baseball bat cast iron frying pan. Suddenly I broke down into tears.  I was so frustrated because I felt like a ton of bricks was strapped to my shoulders.

My husband too often fails to acknowledge all the things I do for the benefit of our family.

Sometimes I wonder if he thinks that because he goes off to work (full time) each day, that his job is more important than mine.  What about me?  What about what I do?

Not only do I work from home, I work part-time for a family friend, I raise our son and I make sure this house is functioning.  Doesn’t he appreciate that?  Why can’t he acknowledge my sacrifices and my accomplishments?  Why is it so difficult for him to help me out more around here?

I know he does what he can, but honestly, I’m the one who’s stretched too thin.  I just wish he could truly understand that my role is just as important as his, and that I pull my own weight.  And then some.

Is that too much to ask?

Maybe I just need a time-out.  In Hawaii.  On the beach.  Yeah, that’s what I need.  A time-out.

(I know it’s not good to have these meltdowns, especially with the holidays near.  I just think I need to start focusing on what’s really important in my life.  And maybe I’ll tell everything else to take a hike.)

June 12, 2008

Relationship Magic

Happily Ever After. Every little girl dreams of living those words. From the moment we read Cinderella, we imagined that our Prince Charming would ride on his beautiful white horse and whisk us away to his castle in the clouds. But, as we grow up our fantasy quickly diminishes to reality and we realize the fairy tale we envisioned doesn’t always happen as perfectly as we hoped.

That isn’t to say that Happily Ever After doesn’t exist. We all remember meeting our soulmates, and how good our relationships were in the beginning. We cherished every kiss, every touch, and hung on each other’s every word. During courtship we went out of our way to care for the other person.

The romantic phase of marriage, that post honeymoon feeling that all the world is in love, you remember it, don’t you? I vividly recall those blissful moments in my marriage; long walks in the park, lazy days of lounging in bed on a Saturday morning, curling up on the couch to watch bad TV with not a care in the world. The only priorities in our lives were each other.

Fast forward a few years, add a baby or two and suddenly new demands are placed upon us. And let’s face it, who has time to be romantic when a screaming little person needs to be fed or changed? I’m not saying children are to blame for mediocre relationships, but when such a huge transition occurs it’s only natural to neglect each other little by little.

Why did we lose the magic in our marriages and relationships, and how do we get it back?

I was reading the book Relationship Magic: The Secret to Happily Ever After, which author, Dr. Edythe Denkin, PhD sent for me to check out, and I was amazed with the clever “fairy tale” approach she uses to help couples return to that state of bliss we loved so early in our relationships. I’m not a big fan of “self-help” books, but Denkin’s unique style was nonabrasive and her advice is easy to absorb.

Using fictional characters James and Cinda, the prince and princess of a faraway kingdom, Denkin highlights the beginning of their fairy tale romance that gradually dissipates to a disillusioned marriage. The prince and princess each have their own perception of how their marriage “should be,” and with the added responsibilities of children, keeping a household, work stresses and the mundane of day-to-day life, they begin to feel helpless. As each partner grows and changes, they start to resent the relationship, yet cannot find the way to express how they feel to each other.

Using the techniques of Imago Relationship Therapy, Denkin takes the reader on a journey through the marriage of James and Cinda while learning how to abandon our own relationship fears and unconscious behaviors we learn in childhood. Denkin believes that we learn to love our partners by watching how our parents loved each other, and that sometimes these examples do not work in our own relationships.

While reading this book, I began to put my own marriage into perspective and began to see how easy it can be to allow our relationships to erode as we focus on other priorities and personal needs. I honestly believe my marriage is happy and healthy, but after seven years (and being together a total of ten years) I can see how important it is to reinforce the foundation of my relationship.

At the end of each chapter, Denkin lists questions for the reader to ponder, such as “Do you remember the way acted and reacted towards your partner during the romantic phase of your marriage?” and “Do you feel responsible for your partner’s happiness?”

Once I began to truly answer these questions, I was amazed to learn that even the most solid of marriages still need to be nurtured and cared for. Denkin’s approach to bringing the magic back into our relationships is so down to earth I couldn’t help but love her book.

My favorite question she asks is “What is your prescription for happiness?” I’m still pondering that one…but I believe it begins with a loving relationship and a rock solid foundation.

For more information about this book, click here.