August 9, 2007

Dawsonisms Part II

The second installment of funny things the toddler said: 

My husband works in a grocery store and we often get the grocery flyers so that I know what’s on sale.  I left this week’s flyer on the coffee table after I was finished making my list. 

Dawson was playing with his cars on the table and saw the flyer and exclaimed, “Mumma, I need these!”  When I looked up, he was pointing to the Oreo cookies on sale, two for $5.

Okay buddy, you make the list next time.

When we were in Pulaski three weeks ago, I took Dawson to the parade that Sunday.  Many of the floats tossed candy to the kids and some parade walkers were handing out flyers, can coolers, match books and other promotional things to the adults at the parade.  I put the Green Bay Packers schedule and True Value match book into Dawson’s candy bag because I had forgotten to bring my purse. 

When we got home, Dawson was searching for the perfect piece of candy in his bag when he found the match book.  He said, “Heeeeey!  These are yucky! I gotta throw them in the garbage!”

Hmmm.  Yes, those are yucky.  Who taught you that?  What a smart kid.

When I was packing for the BlogHerCon two weeks ago, Dawson was sitting on the bed watching me.  I was running circles between the bathroom and bedroom trying to find what I needed. 

At one point I sat on the bed and said, “I’m going crazy!  What if I forget something?”  Little Dawson looked at me and asked, “Mumma needs prozac?” with a grin on his face. 

Thank you, Uncle Nathan, for teaching your nephew to say this.  I can’t wait for the day he says it IN PUBLIC and people start staring at me.

He just keeps getting smarter and funnier every day.

July 31, 2007

We Interrupt This Blog…

…to bring you The Best of BlogHer 2007 Awards. 

The Mominatrix herself graciously awarded me as the Most Unlikely Blogger to Share a Sex Story that Involved Dildos.  You can hear all about it here.

Yes, tis true.  I conceived the Doodlebug (with help from my husband of course) after a night of good vibrations with the Blue Dolphin and the Matador.

(Please dear God, do not let my mother read this.  And if a certain 16-year-old brother is reading this blog today, so help me I’ll kick your butt if you tell Mom.  The last thing I need is a Catholic-girls-don’t-use-vibes talk, mmmkay?)

And so, Mom-101 requested an acceptance speech (I’m assuming because of this?).  Here goes:

I’d like to thank the Academy (most notably Mominatrix, The Hottie Who Had Sex with Danny Bonaduce, The Queen and Her Bad Mother) for all I’ve learned about hot and sweaty sex.

I’ve discovered that Good Girls Have Pubes, a vacuum can get you off, not to use KY that sounds like a douche product (and slippy-slidey sex is best!), I really need to get the Cone, and it’s okay to let your inner super-freak out once in awhile.

And so, as I stand before you all on this awards ceremony stage, holding this Glass Phallus Statuette, I must give credit to the women who have shown me that Catholic conservatives can be raunchy in the bedroom and it doesn’t have to be for the sake of the procreation of this already over-crowded planet.

Because I’m so thrilled to receive this honor, I promise to give back to the community by donating my time to teaching other shy Catholics how to use whips and handcuffs.

Holy shit.  Was that lightning that flashed next to my head?

June 28, 2007

A Cure for Boredom

I was bored during my lunch break, today.  I wasn’t hungry so I decided to surf the ‘net for fun things.  I found this site.

I decided to see what my blog rating was:

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following word: hell (2x)

It was so much fun, I then checked the ratings of my favorite blogs:

Julie is rated G because she used the words “gun” (1x) and “death” (1x).  Interesting.

Heather is rated G?  For using the words “pain” and “poop”.  This just makes me laugh. 

Liz is rated G because she posted the word “bomb”.

The belly laughs will kill me.

Erin is rated PG because she used the word “tit” once.  Are we talking about the same Queen of Spain?  I’m pretty sure she’s typed “tit” a lot.  Ha ha! 

Cheryl is rated PG for using the word “hell” once.  But I’ve used it twice and that’s acceptable?

Christina is rated PG-13 for typing “death” (2x) and “bastards” once. 

Leslie is PG-13 for typing “crack” and “bitch”.  I can’t stop laughing, Leslie you are hardcore!

Kristen is rated R because she has written the words “fucking” (3x), “hell” (2x) and “steal” (1x).

Karen is rated R.  She used “ass” (3x), “dead” (2x) and “steal” (1x).

Sarah is rated R, too.  She used the words “porn” (3 times!), “hell” and “poop”.

I could go on and on, but I’ll die of laughter.  How does your blog rate?