August 27, 2007

Before and After Photos

Here I am before I turned into a cartoon:

And here I am with sallow skin, Simpsonized:

—–

Not bad…I don’t really look any different!

August 17, 2007

The Queen of the Road Hath Spoken

If I were Queen of the Road, the first thing I would do is banish all drivers who fail to signal.

This is my number one pet peeve.  (Well that, and my husband chewing tobacco.)

It always seems to happen to me.  I’m driving to work, I’m going just over the speed limit because like me, everyone else is rushing to work, too.

And then I get stuck behind the one driver who goes one mile UNDER the speed limit, as if he’s just doodling along on a Sunday drive.  And then he slows down, slower yet, and I get really impatient…..trying not to purposely ram into the slower-than-molasses-idiot….and what does he do? 

He turns left with no signal.  NO SIGNAL!  It DRIVES me MAD!

And I lose it.  I absolutely lose my mind and suffer an instant case of road rage where I yell at the sonuvabitch and give him the middle finger.

I know.  I shouldn’t let my blood pressure rise over something so ridiculous.

But if I were Queen, these morons would have their licenses revoked.

Revoked I doth say!

(Too over the top with the Old English?)

August 9, 2007

Dawsonisms Part II

The second installment of funny things the toddler said: 

My husband works in a grocery store and we often get the grocery flyers so that I know what’s on sale.  I left this week’s flyer on the coffee table after I was finished making my list. 

Dawson was playing with his cars on the table and saw the flyer and exclaimed, “Mumma, I need these!”  When I looked up, he was pointing to the Oreo cookies on sale, two for $5.

Okay buddy, you make the list next time.

When we were in Pulaski three weeks ago, I took Dawson to the parade that Sunday.  Many of the floats tossed candy to the kids and some parade walkers were handing out flyers, can coolers, match books and other promotional things to the adults at the parade.  I put the Green Bay Packers schedule and True Value match book into Dawson’s candy bag because I had forgotten to bring my purse. 

When we got home, Dawson was searching for the perfect piece of candy in his bag when he found the match book.  He said, “Heeeeey!  These are yucky! I gotta throw them in the garbage!”

Hmmm.  Yes, those are yucky.  Who taught you that?  What a smart kid.

When I was packing for the BlogHerCon two weeks ago, Dawson was sitting on the bed watching me.  I was running circles between the bathroom and bedroom trying to find what I needed. 

At one point I sat on the bed and said, “I’m going crazy!  What if I forget something?”  Little Dawson looked at me and asked, “Mumma needs prozac?” with a grin on his face. 

Thank you, Uncle Nathan, for teaching your nephew to say this.  I can’t wait for the day he says it IN PUBLIC and people start staring at me.

He just keeps getting smarter and funnier every day.

July 31, 2007

We Interrupt This Blog…

…to bring you The Best of BlogHer 2007 Awards. 

The Mominatrix herself graciously awarded me as the Most Unlikely Blogger to Share a Sex Story that Involved Dildos.  You can hear all about it here.

Yes, tis true.  I conceived the Doodlebug (with help from my husband of course) after a night of good vibrations with the Blue Dolphin and the Matador.

(Please dear God, do not let my mother read this.  And if a certain 16-year-old brother is reading this blog today, so help me I’ll kick your butt if you tell Mom.  The last thing I need is a Catholic-girls-don’t-use-vibes talk, mmmkay?)

And so, Mom-101 requested an acceptance speech (I’m assuming because of this?).  Here goes:

I’d like to thank the Academy (most notably Mominatrix, The Hottie Who Had Sex with Danny Bonaduce, The Queen and Her Bad Mother) for all I’ve learned about hot and sweaty sex.

I’ve discovered that Good Girls Have Pubes, a vacuum can get you off, not to use KY that sounds like a douche product (and slippy-slidey sex is best!), I really need to get the Cone, and it’s okay to let your inner super-freak out once in awhile.

And so, as I stand before you all on this awards ceremony stage, holding this Glass Phallus Statuette, I must give credit to the women who have shown me that Catholic conservatives can be raunchy in the bedroom and it doesn’t have to be for the sake of the procreation of this already over-crowded planet.

Because I’m so thrilled to receive this honor, I promise to give back to the community by donating my time to teaching other shy Catholics how to use whips and handcuffs.

Holy shit.  Was that lightning that flashed next to my head?