April 12, 2007

I’ve Been Interviewed

I love interviews.  I love learning about other people.  The fabulous author of A Mommy Story was interviewed by Mrs. Chicky last week and I thought it would be fun to answer a few questions.  Here’s how it works:  If you haven’t played yet and want to be interviewed, send your e-mail to thedanafiles [at] hotmail [dot] com.  I’ll send you five unique questions that you can answer and post at your blog.  Once your interview is posted, be sure to send me the link and I’ll link to it here so everyone can learn more about you! 

Here’s what Christina asked me: 

1. What is your greatest fear?

My greatest fear is dying young and leaving Dawson without his mother.  I can’t imagine not being alive to watch him grow up, to see him graduate from high school and college, to dance with him at his wedding and be there for him when he has children of his own. 

The logical side of my brain knows that Doug could always remarry and Dawson would have a wonderful step-mother, but is that really good enough?  How can you replace a child’s mother?  I don’t have any plans to die before my time, but ultimately that’s up to God and I worry about car accidents and plane crashes and tripping down the stairs and breaking my neck.  It’s a bit neurotic I know, but that’s the one fear that scares me most.

2. If you could choose between being rich (unlimited supply of money) or in perfect shape (at the perfect size with no exercise, and eating anything you want), which would you choose?

As someone who has been on the heavy, stocky side since the age of ten, I’ve always had issues with my body.  If you had asked me this question 6 months ago, I’d have asked for the perfect figure, never having to exercise and being able to eat whatever I’d like. 

Now that I’m focusing on Weight Watchers and going to the gym 5 days a week, I realize it’s up to me to change my shape and maintain a healthy weight.  Even though having a baby readjusted my entire body, I’m not as easily discouraged as I once was.  I’ve lost many inches and a few pounds.  I know I can’t expect to lose the fat overnight when I sure as heck didn’t put it all on in one day.

If I had unlimited amounts of money….Hmmm.  I hate typing those words because no good can come from being filthy rich.  I imagine I would turn into a spoiled brat like Paris Hilton or Ivanka Trump. 

I would probably have multiple plastic surgeries performed because I’d never be happy with myself and money would seem to resolve those problems. 

I believe I’d donate to charities and important causes, but would I be doing it for the sheer joy of helping others?  Or would it be done as a way to boost social status? 

Would my big house in the Caribbean really keep me happy?  Would my kids have a feeling of entitlement and decide never to hold a job and learn to be self-sufficient?

I suppose my answer is that I’d want neither the perfect body nor an unlimited bank account.  I feel wonderful knowing that everything I own, everything I’ve wanted, I’ve had to work for.  I thank my father for teaching me that valuable lesson.

3. What is the happiest memory you have?

It’s a toss up between my wedding day and the day Dawson was born.  Both are so very important to me.  These are the mile markers in my journey of life.  I can’t choose one over the other because neither would have been possible if I had not met my husband.  Love is a funny emotion.  It makes a person crazy, happy and goofy all at once.  Even when my husband drives me completely nuts with his quirky habits, I love him as much (if not more) as I did when we tied the knot.

Little Dawson, my Doodlebug, is the light of my life.  He is stubborn (like his Momma), determined (like his Daddy), intelligent (like mother), playful (like my father), observant (like Doug’s father) and cautious (like Doug’s mother).  When I look at my son, I see myself, I see my husband and our parents and all the personality traits he inherited from us.  I can’t imagine my life without the Doodlebug.  I thank God for giving me this beautiful boy.  

4. How many kids do you think Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will adopt?

I think Angie (yes, I call her Angie) and Brad will adopt as many children as they can afford to love and care for.  They are very committed to their children.  I admire them as parents because even though they are very famous celebrities, they make time for Maddox, Zahara, Shiloh and Pax.  A nanny is not the primary caregiver of the Jolie-Pitt kids.  It’s wonderful to see how much they love their children.

5. Do you believe in ghosts?

I do believe in ghosts.  I think I’ve witnessed a few as a child.  I can’t remember much of the experience, but as a young child, I’d often talk to my grandfather who had passed away before I was born. 

My mother and grandmother would tell me the hair on the back of their necks would stand up because I would talk to my “imaginary” grandfather with such detail.  I had conversations about things I couldn’t possibly know about.  My mom thinks it was a way for Grandpa to communicate because he left this Earth too soon.  It’s strange to me, but it does explain my fascination with shows like Medium and The Ghost Whisperer.

March 8, 2007

Another Blue Day

This morning I awoke to the sound of one lonely bird chirping.  There are several feet of snow outside and yet this little bird sang his song cheerfully as though Spring was arriving at any second.

I lay in my sleepy stupor, listening to the little sparrow (cardinal? robin?).  His joy to be alive rang in my ears.

What have I been so depressed about?  Why can’t I just get out of bed with glee?  With the same happiness to be alive? 

Why can’t I appreciate the good people and feelings in my life?  I have a kind husband, who does love me, even though I talk myself into believe he’s simply stuck with me.  I have a beautiful son who’s world revolves around my every move.  He craves my attention, my love, my hugs and kisses; and while I shower him with affection I sometimes feel like the little alien is smothering me. 

When did I turn into such a mess?  There are so many questions I have, but yet I can’t find the answers.  Have I always felt this way?  Why didn’t I notice it before?  Am I suffering depression or am I just underappreciated and tired?

Is this just seasonal because it’s winter and I hate the damn snow and cold weather?  Am I just anxious for life to perk up?  Perhaps I long for warm summer days when the sun is shining and the Vitamin D is soaking into my skin, making me feel more alive.

My mother will tell me to take Serotonin.  Or maybe she’ll tell me to pray the Rosary and I’ll feel better.  I will laugh at her quirky ways.  I will laugh at how she always “knows” what’s best for me.  Why don’t I know what’s best for me?

Instead I’m going to try to learn from the sparrow (cardinal? robin?) and sing a happy song of joy.  Joy that I’m alive.  And like my grandmother once said, “This too, shall pass.”

March 7, 2007

It’s no fairy tale…

Once upon a time, I was a carefree girl.  I lived for the moment and did what I pleased.  I was full of spunk and passion.  I had ambition and the determination to be someone “great”.  Great.  What exactly does this mean?

Once upon a time, I fell in love with a man who couldn’t love me the way I wanted him to.  He made me feel like I was beautiful.  Important.  Magical.  Electrifying.  But he manipulated me in so many ways to validate his existence.  To feed his ego.  He made me feel amazing and then pulled those feelings away from me.  He was like cheap beer and I was the alcoholic. 

Once upon a time, I fell in love with a man who loves me, but often doesn’t appreciate me.  I often fail to treat him with respect because I feel resentment toward him.  I married this man, and I love him with all my heart and soul.  But I wonder, does he really love me the same way?  When did we become “comfortable”?  When did we lose the romance? 

Once upon a time, I wasn’t a mother.  I didn’t have to worry about diapers and baby powder and breastfeeding and exhaustion.  I knew who I was, I didn’t need to have a child to feel…well, needed.

Once upon a time, I didn’t feel afraid or guilty for feeling the way I feel.

Once upon a time, I could look in the mirror without feeling ugly. 

Once upon a time, I had a job I loved and I believed I’d work for that company forever.  One day an evil company bought them out and forced me on my way.

Once upon a time, I had self-confidence and self-esteem.  I didn’t need to prove myself to anyone.  I didn’t feel inadequate. 

Once upon a time, I wasn’t struggling with emotional stress, weight gain, depression and physical issues.

Once upon a time, I was capable of expressing my feelings and not afraid of the consequences.

Once upon a time, I wasn’t alone.  I know, I have amazing people in my life who love me and care about me.  But…

Once upon a time, I was enough…

February 2, 2007

The Center of the Blog-iverse

When I started writing this blog, I never thought anyone from my town would find The Dana Files and start reading me.  I really wasn’t that self aware.  If you recall, there were 4 friends who found me and thought I was writing mean things about them and shunned me, which was never true to begin with.  I still think they are reading me out of curiosity, and more power to them.  Enjoy ladies!

My Uncle Mikey found me accidentally and told me at Christmas.  He was absolutely “shocked” that I “did that”; you know, “blogged”.  That’s how he put it.  He also told me he felt like he was spying on me.  I had to assure him, it wasn’t spying, and it was my choice to write about my life on the internet.

My aunt in Milwaukee recently e-mailed me and said she reads The Dana Files occasionally.  That was a bit hard to comprehend, Milwaukee is very big compared to Stevens Point.  How ever did she find me? 

Then, the other day my husband admitted that his co-worker who shall be nicknamed “The Mushroom” for privacy purposes, reads my blog every day and reports back to him on what I’ve written. (How are you doing, *Jeff?)

The fact that my husband does NOT read me was almost insulting.  I think.  Well, maybe not.  I don’t want him to know about the $300 I spent on jewelry.  (Again, thanks Jeff!  You are such a Mushroom Head.  And no that’s not a reference to pot or psychedelic drugs. Heh Heh Heh.)

As more people have found this site, the more I worry about the things I say.  I never write anything that I wouldn’t want someone to read.  I don’t vent my frustrations about my friends or family online.  I try very hard not to use names if I don’t have that person’s consent. (Oh, sorry Jeff!  I forgot to ask for permission.  I hope you’re not mad?)  The Dana Files is my outlet for expression and a way for me to practice my writing skills.  In high school, I wrote for the student paper, The Mirror and I dreamt of becoming a journalist or news reporter, but I got side-tracked along my journey.  So blogging has become my newspaper, my magazine of which I am editor.

I’m sure that Doug hates that I blog, simply because he doesn’t understand the good feelings I experience when I write.  Honey, it’s sort of like spending all day on a boat, carp shooting with Grubba (oops! More names again!) drinking beer all day.  Now do you understand?

Okay.  I can’t lie.  It’s true, bloggers are attention whores.  I’ll be the first to admit it.  We seek the compliments, feedback, validation, online friendships, etc.  I personally have become very fond of the blogging community.  In fact, I prefer the “company” of my blogging friends because we are so diverse and because we support each other. 

We can talk write (okay, we talk as well) about anything.  We share ideas, opinions, stories and anecdotes in a way that enables us to nod our heads and say, “Yes!  That’s exactly how I feel, too!”  Those of us who are parents often exchange parenting advice and ideas.

Don’t be fooled.  We’re not all sugar and sunshine all the time (pretty darn close, though).  We can also debate our differences respectfully (in MOST situations) and learn from others.  Every blog that I read, I learn something.  New ideas and points of view are everywhere you look.

I couldn’t ask for a better network of friends as I have found on the blogophere.  I truly feel like I’m in the center of the blog universe.  Err,blogiverse?  Yeah, yeah, you know what I mean.

I only hope my mother doesn’t read my post about how she nags me all the time.  (Jeff, if you call her, I’ll be mad!)

*Jeff, you know I’m only teasing.  I found it funny when Doug blurted out that you’ve been reading The Dana Files.  I hope you enjoy it, here.  It’s a ball of fun.  Be sure to click on my friends in the blogroll.  You will love them, I’m sure!  Also, Doug reads The Queen of Spain and Mocha Momma — secretly I think (but he doesn’t read his own wife!).  You may want to check them out as well.