September 8, 2008

Book Review: Maybe Baby: An Infertile Love Story

Several years ago, four years and nine months to be exact, I discovered I was pregnant with my beautiful baby boy. But only a year before that, I was diagnosed with Poly-cystic ovarian syndrome, and told that my chances of conceiving a child were slim — or that it would be very difficult for my body to ovulate, thus making my journey to motherhood a long and windy road of uncertainty.

I can’t count the number of times I cried and cursed, confessed and denied my anger, and prayed to God; please Dear Lord, grant me a child. All I wanted was to be a mother. From the moment Doug and I spoke our vows in front of hundreds of relatives and friends at beautiful St. Bronislava church, visions of babies danced in my head.

As a Polish Catholic, I was raised with the notion that a woman’s purpose was to have lots of babies, cook too much food and feed everyone. After all, the women in my family are baby factories. Most have four or more children. When I realized my body may never house a child, I panicked.

Thanks be to God, I did get pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy, but those early trials still haunt me. As if they happened only yesterday, I still remember the frustration, sadness and anger. The questions from family as to when we’d have children and why….why wasn’t it happening already?

Four years and 9 months later, I’m suffering infertility once again. My husband and I have been trying to have a second child for over a year without success. It’s a battle that I often feel like I’m losing. How can two people who love each other so much survive the battle of infertility?

The Parent Bloggers Network asked me if I’d like to read the book Maybe Baby by Matthew M.F. Miller and I jumped at the chance. I was excited to read a man’s point of view on infertility issues. Then the book arrived and I read the back cover and began to cry.

“Constance got her period for the tenth month in a row, and I stood in the bathroom having never felt like less of a man in my entire life.”

I cried because when it comes to infertility, it’s usually the woman with the “problem”. In Matthew’s case, he discovered he had a low sperm count. It doesn’t matter if you’re male or female, if you’re “the one,” the infertile, the feelings of inadequacy are devastatingly real.

Matthew’s story begins with memories of his youth, from the house he grew up in, to his struggles as an overweight teen. He describes his emotions with vivid recollection of how he avoided “full-on sex” until he “was no longer fat”, to meeting the woman of his dreams, Constance, and the passionate love they share.

Their desire for children began with beautiful green nursery bedding from Pottery Barn, which they ordered before becoming pregnant (after crawling out of $18,000 in credit card debt — due to their love of the stylish, and shopaholic tendencies).

As I read about the excitement Matthew and Constance shared when opening the box of green frill and softness, I remembered my own excitement when I bought that first baby sleeper after discovering I was indeed having a baby.

But years before, whenever I shopped for gifts for friends’ baby showers, my anticipation of my own pregnancies caused waves of excitement and to wash over me. But I have never experienced the pain of knowing that a $300 dollar nursery set is tucked in a closet, unused, because of infertility.

I must confess: reading Matthew’s book was difficult for me. Tears stained every other page as I read about the four moments he knew he wanted to be a father, to his anxiety over “masturbating in public” at the clinic.

Reading about Matthew and Constance’s struggles with Clomid refreshed my memory of my own use of the fertility drug. His anticipation over the results of a home pregnancy test and the let down he and Constance felt upon seeing that Big Fat Negative made me recall my own disappointment with every stick I’ve ever peed on.

And then I read chapter sixteen, and all of page 188 is now soaked with my salty tears:

“Joe’s funeral was a wholly Catholic affair. Polish Catholic to be exact, which led to an hour and a a half of standing, kneeling, sitting, praying, and sobbing. All of which was closely followed by countless rounds of food and beverages served up by and white-and-black clad waiters in a Polish banquet hall. Sausages, sauerkraut, pierogies, liver and dumplings, chicken and beef were all served as a gut-busting tribute to our dear friend’s brother.”

Oh, how true this is! Polish Catholic funerals are grand affairs; celebrations of the lives of our loved ones who have passed.

And then I read page 189:

“Two pews in front of us, a young woman was struggling to contain the pacifier and slightly jarring coos of a less-than-two-year-old toddler as Gina’s mom stoically revealed the irreparable heartbreak of her daughter, who had purchased her wedding dress the day before the accident. teh toddler was a perfect, dark-skinned, dark-eyed beauty with a mat of curls secured on the top of her head by a small pink bow.”

Church is my private hell. Catholic women are raised to make babies. Every Sunday at Mass, I cry just a little as I watch the family with seven beautiful children make their way to the front pew. A few rows over, another family with five children, gets situated in their seats.

Meanwhile, I sit in the far back row, with my husband and son, so that no one can see me cry over the children I wish I had. It isn’t that my son isn’t enough, I love him dearly — more than words can describe. I cry because the house of God is a safe place, but for me it represents pain. Pain I can’t seem to let go.

Instead of celebrating the vows my husband and I took in that very church, or celebrating the baptism of the child we have, the sacred sacraments professed in praise to God, I cry silent tears in the last row.

Matthew writes so openly about his struggles and about the hope he and Constance felt when choosing to do IVF. While IVF isn’t something I’m able to do (for religious reasons), I pray that this method works for Constance and Matthew.

This book is brilliant; honest and compassionate. Matthew shares his raw emotions with the reader. He reaches out to those who have walked in his shoes, as well as to those who may not understand what the infertile world goes through.

This book isn’t just about the pain he and Constance have endured, it’s also a love story. A story of two people who stand by each other through good times and bad, through life and loss, and for all the days of their lives.

Thank you, Matthew Miller, for sharing your story with us. Thank you PBN, for allowing me the privilege of reading this amazing book.

For more information about Maybe Baby, please visit Matthew’s website.

June 12, 2008

Relationship Magic

Happily Ever After. Every little girl dreams of living those words. From the moment we read Cinderella, we imagined that our Prince Charming would ride on his beautiful white horse and whisk us away to his castle in the clouds. But, as we grow up our fantasy quickly diminishes to reality and we realize the fairy tale we envisioned doesn’t always happen as perfectly as we hoped.

That isn’t to say that Happily Ever After doesn’t exist. We all remember meeting our soulmates, and how good our relationships were in the beginning. We cherished every kiss, every touch, and hung on each other’s every word. During courtship we went out of our way to care for the other person.

The romantic phase of marriage, that post honeymoon feeling that all the world is in love, you remember it, don’t you? I vividly recall those blissful moments in my marriage; long walks in the park, lazy days of lounging in bed on a Saturday morning, curling up on the couch to watch bad TV with not a care in the world. The only priorities in our lives were each other.

Fast forward a few years, add a baby or two and suddenly new demands are placed upon us. And let’s face it, who has time to be romantic when a screaming little person needs to be fed or changed? I’m not saying children are to blame for mediocre relationships, but when such a huge transition occurs it’s only natural to neglect each other little by little.

Why did we lose the magic in our marriages and relationships, and how do we get it back?

I was reading the book Relationship Magic: The Secret to Happily Ever After, which author, Dr. Edythe Denkin, PhD sent for me to check out, and I was amazed with the clever “fairy tale” approach she uses to help couples return to that state of bliss we loved so early in our relationships. I’m not a big fan of “self-help” books, but Denkin’s unique style was nonabrasive and her advice is easy to absorb.

Using fictional characters James and Cinda, the prince and princess of a faraway kingdom, Denkin highlights the beginning of their fairy tale romance that gradually dissipates to a disillusioned marriage. The prince and princess each have their own perception of how their marriage “should be,” and with the added responsibilities of children, keeping a household, work stresses and the mundane of day-to-day life, they begin to feel helpless. As each partner grows and changes, they start to resent the relationship, yet cannot find the way to express how they feel to each other.

Using the techniques of Imago Relationship Therapy, Denkin takes the reader on a journey through the marriage of James and Cinda while learning how to abandon our own relationship fears and unconscious behaviors we learn in childhood. Denkin believes that we learn to love our partners by watching how our parents loved each other, and that sometimes these examples do not work in our own relationships.

While reading this book, I began to put my own marriage into perspective and began to see how easy it can be to allow our relationships to erode as we focus on other priorities and personal needs. I honestly believe my marriage is happy and healthy, but after seven years (and being together a total of ten years) I can see how important it is to reinforce the foundation of my relationship.

At the end of each chapter, Denkin lists questions for the reader to ponder, such as “Do you remember the way acted and reacted towards your partner during the romantic phase of your marriage?” and “Do you feel responsible for your partner’s happiness?”

Once I began to truly answer these questions, I was amazed to learn that even the most solid of marriages still need to be nurtured and cared for. Denkin’s approach to bringing the magic back into our relationships is so down to earth I couldn’t help but love her book.

My favorite question she asks is “What is your prescription for happiness?” I’m still pondering that one…but I believe it begins with a loving relationship and a rock solid foundation.

For more information about this book, click here.

April 9, 2008

Another Mercy Post

I’ve been slacking on the blog. Again. I am a failure as a blogger. I went from posting daily to posting only when I’m feeling guilty about not posting.

In my defense, I’m still trying to catch up on laundry and housework. After four days away, I feel like life is in disarray. It kind of is.

But the good news:  I’m blogging from the couch (my favorite place to blog), Dawson is WIDE AWAKE (and making me suffer through another episode of Diego) and we just upgraded our high speed internet (and wireless) to SUPER MEGA faster-than-the-speed-of-light service. It’s the shit. Just 48 hours ago, I could only blog on this laptop if I had the patience of a saint. It would get stuck and the pages wouldn’t load properly. Today? It is bliss. Really groovy, just sayin’.

Oh…look at that, Dawson finally fell asleep. I swear that child is torturing me. His sleep schedule is still screwed up. When I was in New York, he spent most of his time at my parents’ house. The place where there are no rules for really adorable 3-year-olds. The kid went to bed whenever he wished.

When I finally got home and tried to put him to bed, it was like a reenactment of the Civil War. Canon balls exploded. Or rather, a very demanding, screeching child exclaimed, “But I DON’T WANNA GO TO BED! Poppa NO make DAWSON GO TO BED!!” Grandparents. They mean well, but now I’ve got to undo the spoiled rotten damage that has been done.

I just realized I’m still blogging and Diego is still on the damn T.V. I’m too lazy to find the remote to shut it off.

I don’t know if I’ve blogged this before — I searched my archives but found nothing — but I’m a fan of James Patterson novels. Most especially the Women’s Murder Club books. A million years ago my friend Dish lent me the first two in the series and I absolutely loved them. This is how I got hooked on the show on ABC, too.

So, anyway, I bought books 3, 4 & 5 just before I left for my trip. I finished reading 3rd Degree and 4th of July in two days. I couldn’t put the darn books down. I’m sad because I’ll most likely finish the 5th Horsemen in a day and I don’t have the sixth and seventh in the series yet. My husband is impressed. Not about the fast reading, but about all the “time” I have on my hands. I really don’t have time. I just don’t sleep. There’s a difference.

Okay. Enough 11:30 rambling. You all, you normal people, are probably in bed right now. Sleeping soundly. Sweet dreams!

March 20, 2008

The Rise of the Feminized Majority

**Cross-posted from Moms Speak Up.

———-

As a woman, wife and mother, politics is important to me. We live in a country that is struggling. We’re at war in Iraq. Millions of Americans are jobless, have no health insurance and are losing their homes in a mortgage crisis. Our planet is dying a slow and painful death due to global warming, and our gasoline prices are skyrocketing because we live in a society dependent on automobiles. I’ve never been as invested in politics as I am with the 2008 Election.

With so many problems that need to be addressed, many of which are important to women like me, I was excited when offered the opportunity to read The New Feminized Majority: How Democrats Can Change America with Women’s Values, by Katherine Adam and Charles Derber.

As a lifelong Republican, I have often voted in elections based on my values. As a Catholic, my religious morals and values have influenced how I vote on issues such as abortion and embryonic stem cell research.

In their book, Adam and Derber shed light on the assumption that the Republican party is the “party of values”, due to the fact that Christian Conservatives (the right arm of the Republican Party) often define themselves as “moral values voters.” However, Democrats have values, too, but they often avoid any direct claim to morality.

The book begins by explaining the difference between masculinized and feminized values:

Men are socialized into what we call masculinized values that include competitiveness, aggression, individualism and a belief that violence is a necessary tool to solve problems. Feminized values are those in which women are socialized in a given time and place. These values include cooperation, empathy, an appreciation for equality, a preference for nonviolent solutions to conflicts, and community, or the feeling that everyone is a part of something bigger. People with feminized values look at the issues affecting their families and their communities with the goal of “together we can.” Those with masculinized values move through their lives with the feeling “alone I will”.

This book illustrates why feminized values are fueling the desire for change in America, and explains why Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton will have a better chance at winning the presidency in November.

Adam and Derber explain that both Obama and Clinton represent feminized values, which are the same values that many American voters, both women as well as men, hold today.

The authors believe that John McCain and the Republicans are thriving on “hyper-masculinized” values, which might explain why McCain doesn’t hesitate to say that American troops could be stationed in Iraq for “hundreds of years.” Masculinized “values voters” often believe military force is the only solution to most conflicts in foreign affairs.

However, the values of American voters are dramatically shifting, and the feminized majority first emerged in the 1960s when ideas about equality, social change and community inspired a new moral viewpoint.

The women’s movement of the 1970s also contributed to the shifting of values in America, at a time when the new wave of feminism reshaped and transformed a new generation of women.

My favorite paragraph from the book offers explanation as to why women’s values are not capitalist values:

Women’s values lead to progressive politics because women are integrated into our social and economic order differently than men. They live in capitalism but are not entirely of it. Women’s values generate a moral foundation for progressive opposition because: (1) women are subordinated in the existing order, and(2) their movement against their unequal position expresses values that can benefit all disadvantaged groups and promote equality and peace.

Women’s values revolve around family, children, health care, maternal rights, a thriving economy, and a beautiful and well-preserved environment. We want our children to inherit a strong country of opportunity and prosperity, not despair and tragedy.

How can America embrace feminized values? The authors offer three steps for a Democratic victory in 2008, and beyond:

First, Democrats need to run a campaign directed towards feminized morality. Second, Democrats needs to renounce the masculinized morality of the current political atmosphere and present a feminized populist alternative. A majority of Americans want to move away from social Darwinist economic policies and perpetual war. Third, Democrats need to motivate disengaged voters to become part of the movement. The feminized majority includes many non-voters and Independents. They are crucial to Democratic victory.

In the Wisconsin primary, I voted for Barack Obama because I was tired of “politics as usual”. I’m desperately seeking change, an end to the war, and to rebuild our flailing economy. For so many years I’ve felt as though the Republican party has pandered to me because I’m a woman to win my vote, only to abandon my values for those that are more masculinized.

Adam and Derber pose the idea that Barack Obama is a more feminized candidate than Hillary Clinton because of his “Yes, We Can” campaign slogan. Obama’s vision for America inspires feelings of community and equality. He sparks a desire for change in our country. In every speech he gives, Barack Obama emphasizes that there is a common good that can and will bring Americans together.

On the contrary, Hillary Clinton faces enormous challenges because she is a woman. It’s difficult to walk the gender line in this presidential campaign, and we shouldn’t completely disqualify her simply because she doesn’t use her gender as a means to win.

Overall, I was very impressed with The New Feminized Majority. It inspired a new way of thinking for me and convinced me that my decision to vote for Barack Obama was the right one. That in itself is amazing.