November 8, 2008

PCOS: I’m Dealing With It

Last month, I tried to do a low-carb diet.  Not necessarily Atkins or South Beach, but I eliminated all starches (potato, pasta, bread), I nixed the sugary goodness of chocolate (and it nearly killed me) and I tried sticking to a diet of lean meats, cheeses and leafy green vegetables (and cucumbers) for two weeks.

Can I just tell you how awful my cravings were?  I cannot even describe the ridiculous dependency my body had has on carbohydrates.  Seriously, it got to the point where I had dreams of baked potatoes loaded with all the fixings.

You’re probably wondering what possessed me to begin such a diet and I’m more than happy to tell you why.

Almost ten years ago I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), a metabolic (and endocrine) disorder that affects ovulation, weight loss/gain, hormonal fluctuations and causes my body to be desensitized to insulin.  When I first received this diagnosis, I thought it was some bullshit syndrome that doctors made up because they weren’t sure what was wrong with the women who experienced the symptoms now classified as part of this disease.

The fact that PCOS is a disease scared me, partly because if left untreated the condition can become life threatening.  Women with untreated PCOS can develop diabetes, heart disease, stroke, cervical and uterine cancers and other scary things.  Sadly, this disease is genetic and typically runs in families.  My mother and sister most likely suffer from PCOS, as they’ve experienced most, if not all, of the same symptoms I do.  They haven’t been diagnosed just yet, but I’m urging them to get to their doctors to have testing done.

I went to the library and got some books on this condition, along with books on nutrition and fertility because I wanted to be completely in-the-know about what was happening with my body.

I won’t lie.  My reasons were selfish at first.  I’ve made it known that I want to have another baby (Soon, damn it!  Soon!) but that I’m not having any luck in the getting pregnant department.  Part of the blame is because of PCOS.

My very amazing new doctor (whom I began seeing this past June) prescribed a medication typically given to patients diagnosed with Type II diabetes.  The medicine is called Metformin (known as the brand Glucophage).  Metformin is given to sensitize the body to insulin (which is what helps the diabetic patient), and this can help regulate hormones and cure some of the endocrine disorder.

I’ve been taking this stuff for a little over five months and while it’s regulating insulin production, it isn’t really doing all of it’s job.  Such as trigger ovulation.  I know this because I’ve been charting my basal body temperature for months.

Two weeks ago, I went in for a re-check and Dr. F upped the dose of my Rx to four pills a day instead of two.  It’s sort of wrecking havoc with my stomach (a symptom of taking the meds), but I’ve noticed some changes since the increase.

For one, my acne is slowly disappearing.  I am one of the unlucky women post-puberty that still gets the occasional zit (or twelve) around the chin area.  Acne is a symptom of PCOS.  So is hirsutism (excess hair growth on the face and other unwanted areas of the body — I know, that’s so general).  I noticed that I had some facial hair problems (mostly on the chin and neck), but now that I’ve been taking the Metformin, it seems to be fading away.

But the biggest change is that my menstrual cycles are shortening.  Pre-metformin, my cycles were 47 days plus.  Probably why it’s been so difficult to coneive.  Each month I’d lose a day or two.  I’m down to about 35-39 days depending on other stress factors.

Okay, I take that back.  The biggest change isn’t just that my periods are getting more “regular.”  I’ve lost 17 pounds, too.  Seventeen.  Dr. F was so elated when I weighed in.  My goal was to lose 10% of my weight in order to trigger ovulation again.  I have 10 more pounds to go.

People, this is progress.  And while, it’s still frustrating to know that I’m not getting pregnant yet, it’s comforting to know that by sticking to the plan and making small, subtle changes to my lifestyle, perhaps I’ll be pregnant by Christmas.  Or maybe Valentine’s Day.

I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but I’m also trying not to give up.  It’s like I’m in a holding pattern.  Being sick with a cold the last twelve days hasn’t helped either.  When I’m sick, I have no ambition to eat healthy or exercise. Sad, but true.

The low-carb diet was much more difficult this time around. (I did it four years ago which is how I conceived Dawson.)  Instead, I’m counting calories, making healthier food choices and exercising 4-6 times a week.  I feel good about myself and I noticed I’m not as depressed as I used to be.

So, anyway…I’m just really happy with how things are going and I wanted to blog about it so that I can look back and see how far I’ve come.  There were devastating days, I know.  I lost my shit a time or two.  But like Scarlet O’Hara once said, “After all, tomorrow is another day.”

I’m looking forward to my tomorrows.

————

P.S.

I don’t know many people who also struggle with PCOS, but I’m hoping that if you are dealing with this condition or know someone who is dealing with it, you’ll leave a comment on this post (please?).  I’d love to hear about your experiences.

If you think you may have PCOS and have not yet been diagnosed, please make an appointment with your doctor.  It’s very important for you to get treatment.  There is help for your condition.  And no, you’re not crazy.  No, these symptoms are not “in your head.”

I’m happy to talk more about PCOS, and to blog about it, too.  The more informed we are, the better we can manage our conditions.

August 8, 2008

Fifteen Pounds Gone…

…and look what fits:

I hadn’t been able to wear my wedding ring in almost a year. It fits comfortably again, and this makes me very happy.

I know that 15 pounds in less than three weeks is sort of drastic, but I’m not using drastic measures to lose the weight.  I mean, I’ve made big changes….but I’m not starving myself or killing myself.

I’ve cut out soda (the caffeine withdrawals are finally over), no fried foods (this one was easy, I just pictured grease traveling through my veins where blood should be, and the thought grossed me out), lean meats, fresh vegetables whenever possible (although steamed veggies are so damn good) and lots of fruits instead of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream (my weakness).

The workout regime is pretty awesome.  On Mondays and Fridays I do 45 minutes of cardio (broken down as 15 minutes on the stair stepper and 30 minutes on the elliptical).  Tuesdays and Thursdays I do 30 minutes of the elliptical, followed by 30 minutes of weights (that I do at home because the big scary, steroid-user-type guys at the gym scare me).  Wednesday is my day off from working out at the gym.  On Saturday and Sunday I do 30 minutes of cardio, followed by swimming with Dawson.  I can squeeze about five laps in before he freaks out in the shallow end of the pool (thank God for lifeguards who don’t mind watching him when I do this).  Add to that a daily walking of Murphy and I’m golden in the fitness department.

I know it sounds like I’m working my ass off (which is the goal), and Doug thinks I might be overdoing it a bit, but the thing is, I feel 1000% better after doing this.  If I miss a day I’m a crabby freakin’ bitch and it’s not good.  I think I’m addicted to the endorphins, the adrenaline, the sweat.  I’ve never felt so good as I do when I’m sweating.  Gross, yes, but it makes me feel so damn awesome.  And I think this is why the weight is coming off faster in the beginning.

In just a few short weeks, I’ll be working with a personal trainer at the gym.  She’s going to hook me up with the weight machines to begin toning.  First, I have to get my doctor’s approval because I currently take blood pressure medications.  My goal is to get the weight off and lower the flippin’ BP so that I no longer have to take those pills, but my hunch tells me I will always need them.  Both my mother and father have chronic hypertension and they were diagnosed in their 30s.  It’s just the way the dice roll I suppose.

In other news, my period is now a week late, probably due to the rapid weight loss and exercising.  I know what you’re thinking, but this confirms I’m not pregnant (as much as I wish these were positive, I’m thinking I have 40 pounds to lose before I can conceive):

Disappointing, yes, but I vow not to let this control me, or define me.  It’ll happen.  I have faith.

Fifteen pounds lost and a new outlook gained.  And suddenly, I’m sleeping again.

March 27, 2008

A Letter to My Body: Overcoming My Own Body Image Issues

**Cross-posted from BlogHer

When Suzanne introduced BlogHer’s Letter to My Body project I was very excited to participate. Excited but nervous and scared, as well.

For so long I’ve struggled with body image and my very unrealistic expectations of how I should look and what I should weigh, and I didn’t know how I would put my feelings into words.

So many amazing women have written beautiful letters to their bodies.

I’ve felt similar feelings about my body as Angella has about hers:

You have never made it easy for me.

For as long as I can remember, I was referred to as a Big Girl. I was bigger than all of my friends. Taller, wider, thicker.

I was a regular kid who liked candy and Pop Shoppe pop. My Mom loved me to a fault. She did not want to deny me anything, for fear that I would choose my Dad over her. Any food, any treat, was mine to be had. I was never denied anything.

I had friends who were skinny. They could eat candy and drink pop and still retain those pencil-thin thighs. I was beyond envious.

My thighs were never pencil-thin. I had that inner thigh that swayed in the breeze and reminded me that I was not in the same class as the Pencils. I would pound my pillow while chanting, “It’s NOT FAIR!” and hope that you would hear me. That you would ramp up my metabolism and let me be like the other girls. Candy and pop, and pencil-thin thighs.

You did not listen.

This made me so very, very sad. I would cry myself to sleep and wonder why my body hated me so.

Lady Beams is amazed at how reliable her body is:

Here we are after spending a half a century together, and I figure I know you pretty well. We’ve pretty much come full circle, the baby with her belly hanging out over her diaper, the little girl who was taller than almost everyone in her class, the blossoming young woman who quickly turned into “full figured”, and the older woman who has once again turned into a body with her belly hanging over her underwear. You’ve taken me from being a kid to having 3, and I must say we got along pretty well thru all of them. We’ve gone thru menopause together and it was easy. No matter what I’ve done to you, you have always bounced back and been strong and reliable.

But it’s Sepha’s letter that moved me to tears (please read it’s entirety at her blog, Undone):

I used to revel in my body; it looked pretty fancy without much effort, it brought me pleasure, allowed me to feel good. The breasts came in a little early and I could have done without nasty people pinging my brand new brastraps. But perhaps it’s good that they did because it gave me a little more time with a full pair before the mastectomy at age 28.

Didn’t you know body, that you weren’t supposed to let cancer in? That it was a baddie who you ought to have fought? I know I didn’t go in for playing cops and robbers when I was a child, was that what you needed to teach you to fight baddies?

You did bad, you let me down, you’re responsible for the lopsided mess that is now my bosom and yet you still didn’t learn because you let Mr Cancer come back and set up residence in my bones and lung. How did he sweet-talk his way back in? Was a year’s worth of hideous treatments not enough to teach you to attack Mr Cancer?

It’s so hard to hate you, body, because you are me and hating you means hating me – but I do. I can’t really bear to be with myself a lot of the time. I look away from the bathroom mirror when getting into the bath. I struggle over what to wear that won’t show off a non-existent cleavage. You’ve cheated me – because the world out there thinks that women have *two* breasts – it’s in the magazines, on the Television, in films, in fashion, it’s instilled into every baby being breast-fed; it’s on every woman I see walking down the street. You’ve turned me into the Non-Woman.

I had over a month to write my own letter to my body, but I hesitated and worried about what I should say. Each time I started writing, I would find something “wrong” with my letter and I’d start over. I thought that my letter had to be perfect. Then I realized my body image issues were carrying over to other aspects of my life, and it was time to end this obsession with perfection. Here’s my letter:

Dear Body,

For most of my life I’ve treated you terribly. For most of my life I’ve been unhappy with how you look. Growing up I never believed you were pretty. I constantly compared you to other girls. Your hair wasn’t long enough. Your eyes weren’t blue enough. Your stomach wasn’t flat enough. You weren’t a size four. You would never be a super model.

I’d like to tell you these feelings of inadequacy began in high school — junior high even — but I remember feeling depressed about you, dear body, in fourth grade. I still remember my tenth birthday and calling you fat for the first time.

Do you remember that day? Mother had taken us to a department store to buy a new outfit. I was trying on clothes in the dressing room, looking at your stomach and thighs in the three angled mirrors, and wishing you were skinny. You were the body of a typical ten year old girl, but I thought you were ugly. I didn’t know that you weren’t fat. I didn’t understand that you were still growing. I didn’t know you were healthy.

My perceptions were skewed by what I thought you should look like. Looking back now, I truly believe my first dressing room experience affected how I would look at you for several years to come.

Every television commercial or magazine ad featured a thin, blond, green-eyed girl with sparkling white teeth. Those models always looked so happy, so confident, so beautiful. I believed it was because they were petite and thin. I thought they had the perfect bodies.

Those ads made me feel worthless. I hated you. You didn’t measure up to the bodies of those girls. You were big boned and “hefty,” as the school nurse called it. She tried to tell me not to fight genetics. That I should be happy with who I was, not what my body looked like.

Body, what you looked like affected everything in my life. I never went to prom because I didn’t think you were thin enough to wear a formal dress. I stopped playing sports because I thought your thighs were huge and I didn’t want anyone to seem them jiggle when your legs ran. I wouldn’t be caught dead in a two-piece swimming suit because you had large breasts and wide hips and I couldn’t risk anyone seeing my less than perfect body.

As I reflect on all of this, I get angry. Not at you, dear body, but at me.

I’ve spent twenty-nine years insulting you instead of cherishing you. You’re the one constant in my life. My relationship with you is the longest I’ve ever been in and I treat you terribly. If I treated my husband this way, he’d have left me a long time ago.

I constantly insult your breasts, stomach, ass, thighs and arms. For ten years I forced you to smoke cigarettes. For too long I’ve shoved chocolate and potato chips into your mouth instead of all the healthy foods you need to function properly.

I’ve neglected you, yet you’re still with me. Your heart still beats. Your lungs still breathe. You conceived and carried a beautiful child for nine months. I never thanked you for the wear and tear, and the pain you endured to deliver my precious baby.

I’ve never treated you with respect and honor. I’ve done nothing to show you how much I appreciate you. In twenty-nine years I’ve never told you I love you. Not once. But, I do love you.

I love your eyes. I love your hair. I love the freckles on your knees. I love the scar on your right arm, proof that you were able to heal from my gymnastic clumsiness in kindergarten.

I love your wide feet (even if it is hard to find shoes that fit them), because they’ve carried me everywhere I need to go.

I love your lips, they’ve given many kisses. I love your arms, they’ve given many hugs.

I love your stomach, stretch marks and all, proof that a little person lived there. I love your breasts that nourished my baby.

My deepest regret is not taking the time to tell you how much I love you and appreciate you before now. Thank you for sticking with me. Without you I’m truly nothing.

Love Always,

Me

Writing this letter was therapeutic for me. As I dug through all the layers of my body, I discovered so many emotions have prevented me from loving my body. I had taken my body for granted, always expecting it to just be there without realizing what it does to keep me alive and well. It’s empowering to discover how much I do love my body when I think of all it’s been through.

I’m challenging you to write your letter to your body. Don’t hesitate like I did. Don’t worry about what to say. Your body is beautiful, imperfections and all. Won’t you share your story with us? Click over to this post at BlogHer and the Mr Linky to ensure we click to your blog to read your amazing letters.

What are you waiting for?  Get to it!

March 18, 2008

Rambling, Ranting and Other Blogorrhea

I’ve been going to the gym five days per week because I’m trying to slim down. Way, way down. I’ve got to shed at least 100 pounds. I know you might be rolling your eyes at that statement, but it’s true. Seriously.

I’ve never been this heavy. It makes me sick just thinking about it. I’m not going to tell you my number, but it has a 2 in it. At the beginning of the three digits. This is not good. It’s not healthy, either.

I’ve ditched the fast food (unless it’s an extreme emergency — like the Shamrock Shake I had on my birthday), I’ve stocked up on fruits and veggies and lean meats.

I’m digging 30 minute workouts on the elliptical trainer and I attend two toning classes a week. This all good, right?

And yet, I’ve only lost four pounds. I know. I know. Muscle is working it’s magic here. But still, I’m not a patient person, I want this weight to melt right off of me. High expectations. Totally Unrealistic Expectations. I know this. I’m not totally naive.

Since I subscribe to nine million magazines (totally NOT my fault), one of which is called Self, I decided to take the challenge. The Self Challenge.

Not only that, I’m joining Christina in the Hot By BlogHer Challenge, too.

And, I want to fit into my fricken skinny jeans again.

Yeah. Remember when I said I’d write a coherent post? I fibbed. This is a rambling mess. I can’t even get a sentence put together these days. What the hell happened to me? It’s like I’ve completely forgotten how to blog.

Totally suffering from Blogorrhea. No doubt.

If you missed my latest Mommybloggers post, I highly suggest you run from here and go there. That post actually makes sense. Maybe. I don’t know. See? I’m in a bloggy rut or something.

Although I have some good posts coming up for other blogs, The Dana Files is suffering. For that, I apologize.

But anyway, back to the rambling.

I think I hit my breaking point when I was trying on clothes in Target on my birthday. I found some adorable things, but they quickly became ugly ass fashion disasters the moment I put them on and stared at my rear in the mirror with the dim lighting of the dressing room, which highlighted my biggest assets. It was horrible. I cried. Can we say “muffin top”? Followed by “pear shaped blob” a.k.a my ass?  I think my ass grew an ass.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Thing is, I’m all for eating healthy and exercising, but my husband is not. He could care less about what he puts in his mouth. His weight barely fluctuates year to year. Not that he’s a thin mint, he’s got some marital bulge, too. But he does most of the cooking and I do most of the sulking when buttons pop off my pants.

I saw a photo of myself from Christmas and I was sick. I look terrible. And it’s not a self-image problem. I’m seriously overweight.

I have so much to say about this topic, but I can’t get the words to come out. I don’t know what my problem is.

Y’all better read this post quickly, before I wake up tomorrow and delete it.