February 26, 2010

He’s a Rebel

I think that Dawson is testing me. He wants to exert control over his life, at the ripe age of 5, and perhaps he’s just dipping his toes into the waters of rebelliousness, to see what he can get away with.

Every day is difficult. He does not want to listen to anything I have to say. Asking him to pick up his toys when he’s finished playing with them causes him to emit a scream that sounds like someone is dying. I’m certain the whole block can hear this wrenching noise. One day, very soon, cops will be called to the scene of whatever murder the neighborhood thinks is taking place.

This morning he refused to put on his shoes. I told him repeatedly that time’s a waistin’ and that the bus would be pulling into the driveway at any moment. My son told me, “THE BUS IS NOT HERE YET! I DON’T NEED TO PUT MY SHOES ON!”

When I saw the bus coming down the street and no shoes on the boy’s feet I yelled, “THE BUS IS HERE! WHERE ARE YOUR SHOES?”

And my child started to freak out, running around, looking for his shoes. I had to help him put them on because at that moment he was so frantic he didn’t know where his feet were.

I told him to run quickly to the bus and when I saw him walking solemnly, slowly, I felt a pang of frustration in my chest. The child will give me a heart attack one day. I just know it.

Things have been less than great here for a few months. Right after Owen was born, Dawson seemed to adjust well to having a baby brother. He loves Owen so much and he can’t stop hugging and kissing him. But I notice that when I’m nursing the baby or changing his diaper, Dawson begins to act up. I’m well aware this is a play for my attention and I try to respond lovingly, but I can only handle so much insanity before I crack.

I want to give my boys equal attention, but I have an infant who depends solely on me, and a 5-year-old who just wants me to acknowledge what he’s saying and doing, and I don’t know how to balance it all.

It doesn’t help matters that Doug is working many hours to keep our financial boat afloat. With me not working money has become very tight. We are now uber frugal and I carry most of the stress of balancing the budget and making sure our needs our met. It’s difficult to be alone with two cranky kids for many long hours with no break.

(On the job front: I’ve sent a few resumes out and made several follow-up calls only to find out these companies are still involved in the hiring process. I’m praying for an interview. I’m lucky to have had this time home with Owen, but I don’t believe I was meant to be a SAHM forever. It’s time to go back to work, not only for financial sake but for my sanity’s sake as well. I love my children so much and I’m happy to be with them for now. And perhaps winter is making us all crazy.)

I think Dawson needs more time to play with friends, too. He’s cooped up with me and Owen and has so much energy (he’s resorted to burning it by chasing the dog, which drives me nuts). Thankfully, soccer clinic starts tomorrow. He’ll see his old pals and have some fun. Let’s just hope I don’t have to beg him to put on his shoes!