June 29, 2009
Anxiety
I’ve been feeling anxiety lately. In sixteen weeks or so, I’ll be promoted to the new status of Mom of Two. And with the new addition to our family comes new challenges that I’ll need to face head-on.
I worry about things. Crazy things.
Will I treat my boys fairly? Will I favor one son over the other? What if I love Dawson more than the baby? What if I love the baby more than Dawson? I can’t imagine I would do that, but what if I don’t know I’m doing it? What if Dawson feels replaced by his new brother?
And then I think of all the mistakes I made while parenting Dawson. For example, I spanked Dawson once. It’s painful to write those words. I had a mommy meltdown due to him misbehaving and swatted his behind. I immediately felt awful for doing it. The guilt of it still eats away at me. I don’t ever want to do that again. But what if Dawson always remembers that I spanked him and not his brother? Will he think I was a mean mom?
I know this is insane, but I honestly worry about this crap, and it makes me cry.
What if I take too many photos of Dawson and not enough of the new baby? Or what if I try to compensate for all the photos of Dawson and take too many of the new baby?
I could spend days worrying about this stuff and never be the wiser. I try to block out all these thoughts and questions because it just makes me nuts.
I want to love my children equally, but what if I don’t? Is that even possible? I mean, really… I have no idea. This is new territory for me.
I’m so all over the place about this stuff that I can’t even put all my thoughts into words.
I look at my Dawson and the love I have for him makes my heart swell. He’s still my baby and always will be. I just want him to know I love him very, very much, and that he will forever have a place in my heart. I want the new baby to know that, too.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who worries about this. I’m starting to feel crazy.
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June 30th, 2009 at 9:25 AM, The Redheaded Lefty Says:
Boy howdy, you’re not the only one. You know I haven’t managed to even BE pregnant and I’m already worrying about being a good mother to TWO.
June 30th, 2009 at 9:36 AM, Dana Says:
I think pregnancy makes my neuroses come out times ten. UGH!
Dana´s last blog ..Anxiety
June 30th, 2009 at 10:54 PM, Headless Mom Says:
Dood, totally normal. However, when #2 comes along you’ll have more than enough for both of them, equally, but in different ways. The baby will need time-diapers, bottles, whatever. Dawson will need ‘big boy’ time, reading, ice cream dates, bedtime talks about school. You’ll do great! with both of them!
July 1st, 2009 at 11:07 AM, Jannie Funster Says:
You will love Dawson more than you love any little boy in the world. And you will love the baby more than you love any baby in the world!!
You are Totally Normal to wonder.
Jannie Funster´s last blog ..Five Little Lightbulbs
July 3rd, 2009 at 11:29 AM, The Dana Files » Is Pregnancy Taking Over My Life? Says:
[...] No wonder I have anxiety issues. [...]
July 3rd, 2009 at 3:50 PM, Christina Says:
Deep breath. It’ll all be OK.
Here’s what I’ve learned so far: you will never be able to treat them equally and fairly in any one moment. One will always seem to have a more pressing need than the other. But when you look at it over time, they’ll both get exactly what they need and a lot of what they want. It all works out, I promise.
Christina´s last blog ..Haiku Friday: Red, White and Boom!
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:39 PM, Dana Says:
Thank you all for the good advice. I’m feeling less crazy about it now. I don’t know what I’d do without you all!