May 9, 2009
Power Struggle
Today is the first Saturday in which I have nothing planned. No errands to run, no weekend obligations, no appointments or family visits. It’s the first Saturday that I can spend at home doing whatever I want.
As I try to do just that, I realize the house is out of order again. It’s nagging me.
- Dawson has toys scattered across the living room floor and I’m trying to fight the urge to pick them up.
- The mail is piled up on the side table, waiting for me to sort through it.
- My craft corner is so disorganized and it’s driving me crazy.
- Dawson’s room looks like the aftermath of a tornado.
- My bathroom counter is cluttered with cosmetics and hair products (which I’m not using because I’m too tired to care what I look like these days. Sad but true.)
- The kitchen is actually clean, but dishes are still in the drying rack waiting to be put away.
Last Saturday I spent the day in a cleaning frenzy, but it was all in vain. I came down with a nasty virus the next day and did not have the energy to maintain the house.
But you know what really ticks me off? The fact that my husband didn’t even bother to step in while I was on my death bed. (Okay, I’m being dramatic. I know.)
I just don’t understand why it’s so hard for him to actually help me. Sure, he’ll do dishes and laundry, but he never puts the stuff away. It’s so half-assed.
When he gets home from work he does what he wants to do. Lawn care, gardening, puttering in the garage, whatever — and I don’t complain. But when I ask for help he gets bent out of shape. Sometimes I think he thinks that because he works outside the home he shouldn’t have to do anything else.
This is total crap. While he’s doing his stuff, I’m the one parenting Dawson and trying to get housework done at the same time. This is like building a house during a tornado. It cannot be done. Dawson can be very demanding. He’s an only child right now, and he’s gotten his parents’ undivided attention all his life. I can distract him for short periods of time, but when he’s bored he lets me know.
To be honest, I feel like my husband and I are in the middle of a power struggle; each one of us is trying to be in control. We’re not working together. We’re both very stubborn, too.
It shouldn’t be so hard to communicate and cooperate. It should be easy to just hash it out and come up with a plan to get stuff done. But, why do I feel like I’m the only one willing to change? Why do I feel like the this burden will forever be on my shoulders? Why do I feel like my husband just doesn’t get it? Why do I feel like he doesn’t appreciate all that I do?
Knowing myself too well, I’ll start cleaning like crazy. I’ll be crabby and resentful the rest of the weekend. Knowing my husband, he won’t understand why I’m mad. And I won’t tell him because I hate confrontation. We’ll continue this power struggle until the end of time.
Should I just suck it up and do what needs to be done? What would you do?
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May 9th, 2009 at 10:36 AM, Jean M. Says:
I’m in the same power struggle boat to an exact tee. The hubs believes I “have nothing better to do all day” and that I’m his personal assistant when it comes to things he needs done but wants me to do. Of course he also feels entitled that since he works all day and I do “nothing” but keep house, take of 3 kids, and blog that nothing else is required of him.
I find it strange that it’s even harder since not working out of the house to keep up with the house. I guess since we’re here all day there’s no down time for the house to remain actually clean.
Hang in there cause I’m hanging along with you.
May 9th, 2009 at 11:15 AM, Dana Says:
I think you’re right, Jean! We’re home so we do what we can. I can clean and five minutes later a toy is on the floor.
Dawson will pick up his toys, but then he’ll bring something else out.
Add to that being pregnant and tired and holy crud I can’t do it all.
May 9th, 2009 at 12:38 PM, Write From Karen Says:
This sounds all too familiar. In fact, it got so bad that things came to an ugly head about seven years into our marriage and we nearly ended it.
Because we really didn’t want to see that happen, we sat down and we aired our grievances. What exactly was bugging us? For example, I learned that it absolutely makes my husband crazy when he comes home to a dirty kitchen. He hates this. He also really hates when I leave my shoes lying around.
He also learned about a few things that absolutely drive me crazy about him.
We concentrated on making those areas of our lives better. And quite frankly, we also agreed to chill out on the other stuff. You can’t do it all, he can’t do it all. It’s all about balance. Seriously. My husband now knows that I clean house once a week, period. I simply can not see the point of cleaning a bit every day – it’s like taking two steps back and one step forward. He has relaxed about having a less-than-stellar house and as a result, I have more energy (because I’m not cleaning my damn house all day long) and I’m happier because I get to do what I want to do instead and when he comes home, I’m more receptive to spend time with him.
Seriously. You guys need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart (pick a time that you guys are relaxed, not stressed and rushed for time, and try to be kid-free, also). What is really bugging you. Compromise. Come to an agreement, and then stick to it.
This is coming from a woman who’s been married 19 years and has seen some NASTY curves in her marriage … and survived.
Remember, you’re also hormonal. Everything is like sandpaper when we’re hormonal. *smile*
Good luck, kiddo. You can do this.