April 16, 2009

What A Pregnant Girl Wants

I’d sell my laptop for a plate of fajitas right now.  No joke.  I would.  Okay, I’d sell my old laptop…

This low/no salt diet sucks.  I have dreams about salt.  I woke up this morning and asked my husband if it smelled like salt in the room.  He stared at me as though I had just been released from a mental hospital, as if he was trying to measure my sanity.  Or insanity?

I want all the things I’m not supposed to have.  Fajitas, French Fries, Dill Pickles, Bratwurst, Chunky Chicken Noodle Soup, and Coke.  I want a glass of good old Coca-Cola.

Instead I get to eat lettuce and strawberries (not together of course) and other healthy foods.

I had a prenatal appointment on Tuesday and my fabulous doctor, whom I adore, gave me the lowdown about my weight.  I’m not allowed to gain more than 15 pounds, but he’ll let me go to 20 if necessary.  Anything more than that and it’s a blood pressure disaster.

So I’ve given up every salty, fatty thing I love and it’s not much fun.  Especially when I have dreams about fajitas and salsa and warmed tortilla chips.

Le sigh.

Off to eat more rabbit and bird food.

April 12, 2009

3 A.M. Insomnia

It’s 3 a.m. -ish and I got up to pee (as per usual these days), now I can’t fall asleep again.

I laid awake for twenty minutes worrying about bills that need to be paid, taxes that need to be paid (we owe the IRS this year, to the tune of $2,500, and it suuuucks), and other various things.

I kept tossing and turning, listening to my husband’s snoring and then I thought, “If I have to hear one more minute of this,  I’m going to kill him in his sleep.”  So, I decided to see what this blog looked like in the wee hours of the morning.  The conclusion?  It looks the same as it does at 3 p.m. and I’m just a crazy pregnant woman.

I tiptoed over to Dawson (who fell asleep on the loveseat in his pajamas and we didn’t have the heart to move him) to kiss him three or four times and make sure he’s still breathing.  The passing of Maddie Spohr has caused me to cling a little tighter to my little guy.

I realized just a few moments ago that my stomach is aching from hunger pains, so now I’m eating a couple saltines (and trying not to get crumbs in the keyboard).

Which Mass time should I attend?  6:30 a.m. (because I’ll probably still be awake then)?  8:30 a.m. (it might be hard to drag Doug out of bed before 10 a.m. though…)?  10:30 a.m. (the busiest Mass time of Easter — everyone goes to that one, even the part-time Catholics)?

I’ve also been worrying about my Aunt Judy (my mom’s sister).  She has suffered from depression and schizophrenia for years (probably since her late teens).  It took a turn for the worse after Grandma Alice passed away.  On Holy Thursday my aunt tried to commit suicide and my mother drove out to the farm to handle the situation.  Her brothers tried to take care of things, but it’s hard to do farm chores as well as make sure your sister isn’t trying to kill herself.

My mother stayed overnight and Aunt Judy was restless and well, crazy, until 1:00 a.m.  I feel terrible for my aunt.  She goes through these spells in which she won’t take her pills because she thinks they make her crazy, when in fact they make her well, and so without her medication she has morbid, suicidal thoughts.  I know my mother is worrying about her sister, and she’s worried that my uncles aren’t getting enough rest because they’re trying to make sure Aunt Judy doesn’t hurt herself.

I suppose subconsciously I’m worrying about that, too.  I’d like to write more about this at another time, mostly because these mental illnesses are hereditary and it scares me to think about that fact.  Hopefully, I’ll be able to write coherently after I get some more sleep.

It’s 3:37 a.m.  Do you know where the Easter Bunny is?

I shouldn’t make such stupid jokes.  I don’t even find them funny.

I’m feeling guilty because I didn’t go to confession during Lent.  I kept putting it off, thinking I still had time.  It’s Easter Sunday…  I’m making a note on my Google calendar for next week:  “Confession:  Saturday — oh, yes, you’ll be serving major penance…”

Alright.  Time to try to sleep.  This post is making me tired.  Purpose served.

Good Night Good Morning, Y’all…and Happy Easter!

April 8, 2009

When I heard the terrible news that Madeline Alice Spohr died — Maddie, the beautiful girl with big blue eyes and perfect curls — I was in disbelief.  It can’t be true, I thought.

I read Heather’s (Maddie’s mom) blog almost every day.  One minute I’m reading about ice cream and the next moment I read those sad words.  Little Maddie, 17 months old, passed away suddenly…

I just couldn’t believe it.  I still can’t.  No parent should ever have to go through this.  My heart breaks when I think about Maddie.  I’ve shed a thousand tears for Mike and Heather.  I wish there was something I could do.  I wish that Maddie were still alive, here on Earth.  Instead, she is in Heaven.

I cannot imagine the pain that Maddie’s family is going through.   I can’t find the words…  There are so many thoughts swirling through my head.  The entire day has been somber.  I’ve cried more than I care to admit.

If my Dawson were taken away from me (It pains me to even think this…) I know I would never be able to go on with my life.  I’m not strong enough to endure such pain, such grief, such heartbreak.

I want so desperately to reach out to Heather and Mike.  I wish that I could wash away the heartache.

The only thing I know to do is pray.  The Lord’s Prayer.  The Hail Mary.  The Glory Be.  I want to ask God to wrap his arms around Maddie.  I want Him to comfort Maddie’s family through their grief.

Why did He take her home to Heaven?

God of all mystery, whose ways are beyond understanding,
lead us, who grieve at this untimely death,
to a new and deeper faith in your love,
which brought your only Son Jesus
through death into resurrection life.
We make our prayer in Jesus’ name.
Amen.

Sometimes, I don’t understand His ways.

I began to pray the Rosary for Maddie tonight.  And then I got to the part that always makes me cry…

“Eternal rest grant unto her, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace. Amen.”

God be with you, Maddie.  Now and forever.

Heather and Mike have asked that in  lieu of flowers, donations be made to March of Dimes in Maddie’s memory.

———————————————————

My grandfather, Adolph Landowski, passed away March 30, 1978.  Thirty-one years later, my mother still cries on the anniversary of his death.

My grandmother, Helen Jurgella, died April 8th, 2004.  It’s hard to believe it’s been five years since she passed.

In addition to praying for Maddie and her family, I pray for all the faithful departed and their families.

May God Keep You

If I could pray your tears away
arms hold you close while you cry
If I could make for you the brightest sunshine
send comfort for your sigh.

If I could blow the clouds clear away,
Then you would ne’er be cold,
If I could find the softest touch so true
Cherub sweet, for you to hold.

If I could sweep away all your lurking fear
For faith to bloom within your heart
Then you could know abounding joy
While walking on life’s path.

If I could fill your nights with peace
And bless your life with enduring love,
Tenderness would rain down upon you
From the heavens above.

If I could take away your sorrow
and put hope within your day,
That means God would be inside your heart
Where He will ever stay.

Eleven Weeks

I’m 11 weeks pregnant today.  I’ve got a long way to go until this baby is born, but I’m still amazed that I’ve made it this far into my pregnancy without killing anyone.

The morning sickness is beginning to subside and I’m slowly reintroducing food to my diet.  Because I wasn’t able to eat very much these last few weeks, I’ve lost a couple pounds and that scared me.  I worry about the baby and whether or not he or she is getting all the nutrients needed to grow.

I’ve been doing my best to take it easy and not over do it.  Thankfully, the huz is doing his best to help me with housework and child rearing duties.

Work is a welcome distraction from first trimester woes.  I admit I’m waiting patiently for the second trimester to begin.  I can’t wait for October.  I mean, I don’t want to wish my life away, but I can’t help but wonder about the little one growing inside my belly.

I really want to know if we’re having a boy or a girl, but Doug doesn’t wish to find out this time.  I told him I’d try to keep it a surprise, but the curiosity will kill me.

Only 29 weeks to go…