December 16, 2008
Feeling Blue (And Red, Too)
I’ve spent the day moping around the house. Partly due to the depression of my infertility, partly due to the immensely painful menstrual cramps that are plaguing me. Oh, the pain. Not only is it physically awful, it’s emotionally draining. Sucking the life out of me.
In between bouts of crying, yelling and fists to the wall, I’m trying desperately not to lose sight of the big picture. I can always try again next month. I’m rolling my eyes. The frustration is just too….oh I don’t know…too much to deal with.
I’m so sick of sulking, and yet I feel better when I let these emotional bursts ooze out of me.
Did I tell you I prayed two rosaries this week? I did. And the whole time I was fighting the urge to yell at God. I know it’s all up to him. I know I can’t let this consume me. And yet, all I want to do is tell someone or something to go straight to hell. But that would be very un-Catholic behavior so I refrain, being the season of Christ and all.
Oh, the sarcasm. I can’t stand it myself. I’m thinking I just need to attend a penance service and cleanse my soul of all the angry thoughts. That might help. For awhile, I mean. Until the next disappointment, you know? And then I’ll be in the same hole of emotional suckage that I’m drowning in right now.
And the thing that really gets me, is that I know I’m being ridiculous. This wallowing isn’t healthy, but it’s all I can do to not lose it. I’m grasping at straws here, trying so hard to keep my composure…trying not to make my problem someone else’s problem, too.
I’m trying to be kind to my husband, but really, all I want to do is blame him. He’s done nothing wrong, but I want him to take the blame for our infertility problems. I want him to carry the burden, I want him to erase this deep emotional scar, the one that fills my uterus where a baby should be.
And he looks at me and says, “You look tired, Hon…” And I know I’m tired, and all I can do is shrug, force a half-smile and grieve. Grieve over a loss that isn’t really a loss. I mean, how can you lose something you never had to begin with?
I look at Dawson and I cry. He’s so beautiful. He is so kind and sensitive, too. He sees me crying and asks, “Mumma, why are you so sad?”
And I don’t know what to tell him. What can I say that his 4-year-old mind will comprehend.
“Mumma wants to have another baby and it’s just not working out right now.”
“Don’t worry Mumma, you can have a baby in two days,” he says, as he hold up his two little fingers. Oh, how I wish it were that easy.
For so long, Doug and I have talked about babies and pregnancy and made “dates” to do the BD (baby dance, I know it’s a funny term). When things were more optimistic we’d ask Dawson if he wanted a sister or brother and he’d reply, “I want a baby brudder. I want to feed him and change his diaper and share my toys, too.”
It breaks my heart.
This morning he decided he no longer needs to use his little potty chair. He pushed the step over to the big toilet and after doing his business he said, “I’m a big boy, now. That baby potty will be for my brudder.”
And last week in church during the petitions, Father Trempe said a blessing for all the prayers in our hearts. Dawson says, “I pray for a baby, Mumma!”
Through tear-filled eyes I said, “That’s great, Dawson.”
“Lord, have our prayer!” he said. I couldn’t stop crying. I was thrilled that he was so excited over the possibility of being a big brother.
I think that’s why this week’s disappointment is especially difficult for me. I feel like more than just my hopes were shattered.
I don’t know where to go from here. Right now, the mourning is all I can do….
——————————————
Just after I wrote this post, I read a blog post titled “Christmas IS a Time for Miracles” or something like that, in which the author revealed she was pregnant. At least someone’s miracle came true, I thought. And then I read the part where she said pregnancy was the last thing she and her husband wanted. And I found myself shouting at my computer screen.
“Fuck you. Fuck you! Fuck you!”
Sure, I felt better for all of five seconds. Then the guilt set in, because it’s not fair of me to be so angry at someone I don’t even know.
I realized that I set myself up for this let down. I did. When we were tracking my ovulation with OPK’s and found the most fertile day, I kept thinking this was the month. I had dreams of conceiving and taking the pregnancy test after I missed my period — my test date would have been tomorrow — and seeing that word “Pregnant” appear on the stick. I envisioned not telling Doug until Christmas, with a surprise card signed, “Love Dana, Dawson and Baby.”
Oh how naive I was. How stupid I am. How utterly freakin’ stupid. It’s my own fault…..
To distract myself I went outside in the cold Wisconsin weather to get the mail. Christmas cards were crammed inside and I was delusional in thinking they would cheer me up.
The first card I opened was from our neighbors and it was signed “A, M, J & The Twins”. My friend is pregnant and her twins are due next May. She decided to announce this in her card… Surprise!
I broke down into a fit of tearful rage. Everywhere I turn I’m reminded of the fact that I’m not pregnant. God, what am I supposed to learn from this pain? I just don’t get it!
My head hurts from all the crying, my eyes are red and swollen, and I just can’t take this anymore….
And then I clicked on this blog post and I realized I’m Full of The Angry, too….
And that’s just the way it’s gonna be for awhile. No sense in fighting it.
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December 17th, 2008 at 11:24 AM, Mrs. Wilson Says:
I’m so So sorry! I’m a “fixer” and I hate seeing people hurting and not being able to do something about it. I’m so sorry you’re hurting.
Mrs. Wilsons last blog post..Snot Freezing
December 19th, 2008 at 12:20 PM, The Dana Files » And It’s Not Even Friday the 13th… Says:
[...] see, things haven’t been going well lately. I’ve dealt with infertility issues. I got the period from Hades (complete with monster cramps that were just crabulous, really). I [...]
December 24th, 2008 at 4:25 PM, Lisa Says:
I have a 4 year old too. He was an IVF baby…we tried for approx. 3 years. We got pregnant with a second IVF baby and lost it. After that, we just weren’t willing to go through all the difficult emotional and physical stress of IVF, and decided that it was finished for us. We filed to adopt this year, and ALAS! At 43, I am 6 months pregnant…a completely natural pregnancy. Soooo, it’s amazing how things go. It may happen when you least expect it. Take heart and know that the universe is good!
December 24th, 2008 at 5:00 PM, Dana Says:
Thank you, Lisa. Your words of wisdom and hope are much needed, and greatly appreciated.
Danas last blog post..Kneed An Update?