November 30, 2008

I’m the One

I am a woman above everything else. — Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

———-

Wife.  Mother.  Daughter.  Sister.  Friend.  As a mother I wear many hats.  Too often, I must fulfill many roles and expectations in any given day.

I’m the one who primarily takes care of the child.

I’m the one who does the grocery shopping and bill paying.  I’m the one who sorts the mail and files the important papers.

I’m the one who kisses boo-boos and makes the macaroni and cheese.

I’m the one who works all day and still feels like nothing is ever accomplished.

I’m the one who loses her mind more than once a day.

I’m the one who takes the child to preschool and picks him up each day.

I’m the one who makes frequent trips to the public library for children’s books and to allow said child some playtime.

I’m the one who plans fieldtrips to the Children’s Museum, YMCA and various parks to keep life with a child interesting.

I’m the one who wishes she could have just one day — one entire day — all to herself.

I’m the one who yearns to do things she enjoys instead of sacrificing her wants and needs to those of a 4-year-old.

I’m the one who longs for her husband to say just how much he appreciates everything she does for him and their child.

I’m the one ensures her child spends quality time with his grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins.

I’m the one who tries to take care of everything because it is expected of her.

I’m the one who sometimes cries at night because those expectations are too high.

I’m the one who feels she must be in control ALL THE TIME, because losing control would mean failure in her mind.

I’m the one who feels that motherhood has stolen her identity.

I’m the one who wants ME back.

It might sound like I’m complaining.  It might sound like I don’t like being a wife and mother, but that’s not at all true.  I love my husband.  I love being a wife.  I love my son.  I love being a mom.  I just didn’t realize it would be this hard sometimes.

How do I balance it all?

After more than four years of mothering, and more than seven years of marriage, I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

And maybe I’m not supposed to “know.”  Maybe it’s just something you “do.”  Maybe I’m just supposed to go with the flow and hopefully learn the ropes along the way.  Like on-the-job training or whatever.

I started thinking about all of this over the last few weeks.  I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m becoming physically fit that is making me want to be spiritually, emotionally and mentally “fit” as well?

How do I do that?  How do I achieve that balance?

I’m the one who strives for balance.

November 29, 2008

Black Friday Gone Wrong

I didn’t go shopping on Black Friday.  I have no patience when it comes to navigating the throngs of crazy shoppers to grab the latest HOT DEAL! at Target.  I get very annoyed with crowds, long lines and chaos.  I have enough chaos in my life.

Instead of enduring the pushing and shoving, I stayed home and watched a few episodes of Beverly Hills, 90210.  I have the first six seasons on DVD (no, I didn’t buy them all at once, too expensive) and currently I’m viewing Season 5.

It’s hilarious to watch my former favorite show, now, as an adult.  Not only do I reminisce the crazy 90s fashions, but I get to laugh at the fact that I swore I would marry Luke Perry when I grew up.  Oh, yes I did!  I’m not afraid to admit it.

After I got bored with the show I went over to Amazon.com to check out the sales.  I found a few things to add to the Christmas wish list, but nothing that I really needed.  With the economy as it is, I’m afraid to spend even one dollar on anything that isn’t an absolute must.

Even though I’m not worried about mine or my husband’s job, because we’re finally (somewhat) financially stable, I do realize the future can change in the blink of an eye.  Losing my old job last February has taught me a valuable lesson in frugality, and I’ve learned to appreciate things I once took for granted.  Also, I don’t feel content about spending money compulsively.

Yesterday, when my parents came to get Dawson for the day, my father told me about the Walmart employee who was trampled to death in Long Island, NY.  I’m appalled.  Has our society become so greedy, and so focused on consumerism?

It makes me sick to my stomach.  Someone died because people no longer give a shit about anyone but themselves.  People no longer care about the lives of others.  Instead, they worry about getting the newest digital camera, iPod, laptop or what-the-fack-ever at the best prices.  Who cares if they kill someone, so long as that present is purchased, gift-wrapped, and placed under the tree!

Is this what it has come to?  (Heavenly Father, I hope not, because this is a depressing thought.)

Have we forgotten what Christmas is about?  Christmas isn’t about gadgets, toys and electronics.  It’s about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ.  If we’re not celebrating the birth of the Son of God, then what on Earth are we doing?

Now before you get all goofy on me for voicing my opinion, please hear me out.  I know that not everyone who goes shopping the day after Thanksgiving is crazy.  Many of you are very kind and considerate and would never harm another person over a Black Friday sale.

I’m just sad because it’s become clear to me that the true meaning of Christmas has been lost.  It’s time to for us to find it again.

I’m Bringing Christmas Back.  Stay Tuned.

November 28, 2008

Serenity

My parents just left my house.  They took Dawson with them.  It’s grandparent/grandson bonding day.

It is so quiet here.  No annoying Spongebob and Squidward voices emanating from the television.  No shrieking.  No jumping.  No crashing or banging.

Only the sound of the fish tank aerator. It’s rather tranquil.

Murphy is sitting peacefully on the sofa, enjoying the solace.  Dawson is not pulling on his ears.  My dog is in Heaven.

As am I.  I can complete an entire thought process without being interrupted by the demands of a 4-year-old.

Serenity.  Sweet, sweet serenity.

The Christmas Photo Challenge

Now that Thanksgiving is over my thoughts are focused on Christmas and all the things I have to do this holiday season.

First on the list?  Getting our family photo taken for our Christmas cards.  Every year I stress over this task.  I want the picture to be perfect.  Can I just say how difficult it is to get all of us to smile at the right time?  Do you have any idea how hard it is to get the kid and the dog to look at the camera at the exact same moment?

We tried to get this done last night before we had Thanksgiving dinner.  One hundred takes later and we are no closer to snapping the perfect pose.  This is the best shot we got and I don’t really care for it:

Here is the color version:

It looks as though Murphy’s ears are connected to Doug’s goatee.  He claims he was just trying to hide his second and third chins. Such a funny guy, that one.

I ordered a sample of this photo from Walgreens, just to see how it will turn out.  I’m positive we’ll have to take a new picture.  I might kill myself.  I have no patience when it comes to using the self-timer and remote.

What do you think?  Use one of those photos or try, try again?