October 7, 2008
I Give Up
Can’t do it. Anymore. Too painful.
Every month, I pee on ovulation predictor kits (OPKs). I get the signal that ovulation is near. Every month we “plan” baby making around those days. Every month, period is not on time, I get that hopeful feeling. Every month I pee on a home pregnancy test (HPT) and get that big fat negative (BFN). Every month, I cry.
Every day I feel angry. Angry because I know every acronym and abbreviation and all the vocabulary used in the world of infertility.
Every day I do what the doctor tells me. I take the Metformin. I eat healthy foods. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink. I exercise.
Every week, I listen to someone tell me to “just relax.” Every week I hear someone say, “It will happen, don’t fret.”
Every day I read a blog or twenty, about pregnancy and babies. Every other day I read a new announcement of another blogger’s pregnancy or delivery of another blogger’s sweet baby.
Every day I try not to let it affect me, because it’s not about me, it’s not personal.
Every day, I feel resentment and jealousy. Every day, I feel guilty for feeling the way I do.
Every night, I dream of babies and pregnancy and holding another child in my arms.
Every night, I cry just a little.
And every day and night, I pray.
But I can’t do it anymore. Won’t do it anymore. It hurts too much.
Every month I say that I’ll give up and I never do. It’s a vicious cycle.
I won’t do this to myself any longer. It hurts too much.
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October 7th, 2008 at 10:35 AM, Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah Says:
**hugs**
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarahs last blog post..These Germs Are Making Me a Bad Friend
October 7th, 2008 at 11:34 AM, PunditMom Says:
I’m so sorry. I have been there and know it is difficult, especially the comments about ‘just relax, it will happen.’ We ultimately decided to adopt … if we hadn’t, but this is such a individual decision. Thinking about you here.
xo
PunditMoms last blog post..Why the Keating Five is More than Relevant
October 7th, 2008 at 2:20 PM, feefifoto Says:
Oh, I am SO sorry for your sadness. People can say such insensitive things and there’s really nothing correct to say to people fighting infertility than “I’m terribly sorry.” I hope you can feel better soon.
feefifotos last blog post..When I Have Nothing New To Say, I Repeat Myself
October 7th, 2008 at 4:25 PM, Headless Mom Says:
(((hugs)))
I don’t know how this feels, but know that I feel crappy for you. I know that there is nothing I can say. Just hugs.
Headless Moms last blog post..BFL-WEEK 5
October 8th, 2008 at 8:50 AM, Fat Chick Says:
((HUGS)) I wish there were something I could say/do to make things better for you. Unfortunately there is not. So, allow me to offer you the one thing I can ((HUGS)).
~ FC
Fat Chicks last blog post..New To Work
October 8th, 2008 at 9:21 AM, Dana Says:
Oh Dana, I sometimes think secondary IF is worse than primary. When we tried I didn’t know how it felt to carry a baby, to give birth or see their fingers and toes the first time. I longed for that. With secondary you know it and I think it brings the hurt into sharper focus.
It doesn’t always just get better. I had to stop and find other things for it to feel better each month. But the hurt didn’t go away all the time. Baby showers, stories of babies being left. It all hurt so much.
Sort of depressing as a response but sometimes to just know that it’s ok to want to scream at the moon and run away for a weekend to have a pity party is not only ok but so normal helps.
Danas last blog post..And some face time
October 8th, 2008 at 3:48 PM, Amy Says:
I know exactly what you’re going through. My husband and I have tried to get pregnant for two years. We had many painful tests and surgeries. We ultimately decided to adopt, but we still have people say things to me if they notice I’m not drinking wine at dinner or when I say I’m tired. It gets old. Just know that there are others out there who know what you are going through. It does get better.
Amys last blog post..Pumpkin Squares
October 9th, 2008 at 10:44 AM, Ashley Says:
Oh, sweetie. I want to drive up there just to give you a bear hug. Damn it. I’m thinking about you.
October 12th, 2008 at 12:19 AM, Liz@thisfullhouse Says:
**more hugs**
Liz@thisfullhouses last blog post..When A Mommyblogger Goes Hollywood, Puke Happens, No Doubt!
October 16th, 2008 at 4:40 PM, The Dana Files » It Happens Every Time, But This Day Is Different Says:
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