July 27, 2008
Apparently, I’ve Got Junk in My Trunk
I promise to continue my BlogHer conference recaps, but first I must tell you about my visit to the gym today.
Many of you know that I’m not satisfied with this body of mine. It’s not suiting me the way it once did. I have too many pounds to take off (I’m not revealing how many, but I’ve broken it down into ten pound increments. Smaller goals are easier to tackle, than say, a hundred pounds all in one shot, right?) and I’m doing my best to change my overall health because I do want to become pregnant one of these fucking days (I’m bitter about that subject, and boy, oh boy, do I have a fertility post in the works for you, lucky readers). Holy fricken run-on sentence. Did that even make any sense? I sure hope so.
After attending the conference and being surround by beautiful, healthy women, I realized how unhappy I am with my body and I’ve restarted my insane workout regimen with a personal trainer who should really be called The Drill Sergeant. Anyway. Back to my story.
So I got up this morning and did my BlogHer work, and then I told the Hubs that I wanted to go to the gym. I got my workout clothes on, laced up my sneakers and drove to the YMCA.
My favorite training machine is the elliptical. Perhaps this is because when I first started using it I could only survive 7 minutes on it. Over the last year, I’ve built up the stamina and I can now do 60 minutes, no problem.
That’s right. One whole hour. And I’m addicted. I confess: I’m addicted to the elliptical trainer (ET).
The high I get as I visualize my ass melting off is unbelievable. The rush of adrenaline and endorphins, combined with the rockin’ music on my iPod, makes me want to work my body to the max on that beautiful machine. I’d kiss that damn thing but knowing that many, many people have left their sweat all over it keeps me from doing so. Thank God.
I love the ET so much that I often forget I’m working out in public, and sometimes the music streaming through my ears distracts me. Many times, it doesn’t even feel like I’m working out, because I’m having so much fun. I know I’m insane. You don’t have to remind me.
Often when I’m working out, the music practically transports my own heart and soul out of my body. I can’t resist the urge to almost, sort of, dance while on the ET. I know, that’s a visual almost impossible to imagine. But I’ll do my best to describe it.
Certain music makes me want to sway my hips, so as I’m jamming along to Joss Stone (and fighting the urge to sing along, out loud), my behind is kind of rocking in an almost unnatural, yet cheeky, kind of way.
I was pushing myself to the max and suddenly one of my earphones popped out. The words I heard from male voices behind me almost caused me to fall off the ET.
“Daaaaamn, dude. Check out the ass on that white girl!”
I nonchalantly tried to put the earphone back in my ear, but quickly pushed the pause button to hear the rest of the conversation. Then I angled my neck in a way that allowed me to catch a glimpse of the two handsome black men pumping iron at the row of weight machines behind me.
“Ooooh, yeah. She’s got somethin’ goin’ on back there.”
I was desperately trying to fight back the laughter. Then I wondered, which white girl are they talking about?
I casually turned my head to the left to see a young gentleman on the treadmill next to me. Definitely not a white girl. Then I craned my neck to the right and smiled politely at the thin blond with the tiny waist and practically invisible behind. Not the girl they were speaking of, I imagine.
Oh. My. Gawd. Are they referring to me? They can’t be. I’m wearing three year old yoga pants and an old man t-shirt. Not exactly one of my most attractive gym outfits.
I turned my iPod back on and resumed my workout, trying to ignore what I thought was going on. When my hour was over, I went to get the rag and disinfectant to clean my sweat off the machine. When I turned around, the two guys were standing in front of me. I felt my cheeks flush with color (the ones on my face, duh).
“I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but your ass is fiiiine,” the first guy said.
“Daaaaamn baby,” the other chimed in. “If you keep working out like that, your ass will be non-existent.”
I started to stutter. I have never, ever in my life been approached in this way. So I said, “Ummm….well….thank you? I ummm…don’t know what to say. This the first time I’ve been complimented on my butt.”
“Well, big asses are in, girl…” the first guy said.
Did he just say I have a big ass? Oh, my gawd. My butt must be HUGE.
I honestly had to fight the urge to look over my shoulder to see just how big my butt really was. I think they sensed my freak out because, the second guy said, “Don’t be shy, girl. This is a good thing. Don’t hide it! Flaunt it.”
“Ummm, okay….I will.”
What did I just say? Oh my God. Get out of there, Dana. You’re making an ass of yourself. Oh cripey, bad choice of words. Bad, bad, BAD!
I was so nervous that I’d say more stupid things, so I politely excused myself, cleaned off the machine I had used, then ran to the women’s locker room. I took my time changing into my street clothes and when I exited the locker room, my two admirers where chatting and smiling in the hallway.
I tried to be cool and casual as I walked up the steps to the main floor of the gym.
“Take pride in that behind, girl!” one of them called out.
“Okay….thank you!” I called back.
When I got home, I told Doug all about my compliment and he replied, “Well, you do have a cute butt. Big, but cute.”
“Is my ass really that big? Jeepers. What the hell?” I shouted.
Doug laughed.
“Had I known this was my greatest asset I would have had it insured. Like J-Lo.” I continued.
“J-Lo…now she has a great ass.” Doug replied.
“Better than mine?” I asked, half-joking.
“Ummm…errrm..” Doug stumbled.
“Hey now….” I started laughing. “Watch what you say, because if you don’t like my butt, I know two gentleman that do!”
Suddenly, my husband bursts into song.
“What you gon’ do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk?”
Yes, apparently, I’ve got junk in my trunk. Who knew?
Posted by Dana @ 11:48 pm • Bedlam, Health, Wellness, Fitness, Exercise
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July 28th, 2008 at 7:25 am, sassymonkey Says:
hahahaha! That’s awesome.
sassymonkeys last blog post..Why Do I Blog?
July 28th, 2008 at 10:47 am, Ashley Says:
Love it! That is the best gym story EVA. Good for you for committing to doing this for YOU.
July 28th, 2008 at 1:36 pm, sadira Says:
Oh…I LOVE that!! I am darned jealous that you can go that long on the ET, but I’m thinking no matter how much junk is in your trunk at the moment, it’s got to be lifted (in only the way an ET can do that…I keep complaining that I don’t want my tush to be on my shoulders…I want it smaller!!) I am glad they paused to tell you how good you look…Now you can represent. Word.
July 28th, 2008 at 5:09 pm, Cheryl Says:
Hell yeah!
Cheryls last blog post..Once Upon Ben’s Potty
July 28th, 2008 at 8:27 pm, Zip N Tizzy Says:
You go girl!
Nothing like having two guys talk about how good you look to make your day.
I love how they just kept adding to it to make SURE you knew you were lookin’ good!
July 28th, 2008 at 9:50 pm, Wifey's House Says:
You gotta love that! Go J-Lo, I mean Dana! Smiles!
Wifey’s Houses last blog post..School is Back and So is My Sanity
July 28th, 2008 at 10:32 pm, Karen Sugarpants Says:
OMG that is so funny! p.s. I’m moving THERE.
Karen Sugarpantss last blog post..Don’t Be Fooled
July 28th, 2008 at 10:45 pm, jennster Says:
LMFAO- that rocks! work it girlfriend.. i love my ASSets
jennsters last blog post..some totally awesome pics
July 28th, 2008 at 10:45 pm, Headless Mom Says:
LoL-You go, Girl!
Headless Moms last blog post..Little Alouette
July 28th, 2008 at 11:10 pm, Dana Says:
Y’all are hilarious. I’m cracking up. Doug is still teasing me about it.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:25 am, Suebob Says:
The way you swerve, and curve
It really wrecks my nerve!
July 29th, 2008 at 3:03 pm, Wisconsin Mommy Says:
Too funny! I have also recently gotten on a workout kick (something to do with not wanting to look like a dork at Taekwondo class). I worked out with such gusto, I actually injured a tendon in my foot. Ugh!!
I need me some inspiration like those guys - haha.
Wisconsin Mommys last blog post..It’s a Whole New World…
August 1st, 2008 at 1:51 pm, lizriz Says:
OMG, that’s hysterical! Good for you for getting to the gym. BlogHer has killed my entire workout schedule. Hoping to get back on track this weekend.
lizrizs last blog post..The men in my life are people.
August 4th, 2008 at 11:42 am, nonlineargirl Says:
What body sizes and shapes are valued differ by group - when I lived in Chicago I had black guys tell me I was too skinny, even as white people saw me as kind of average. A friend used to get called Gordita by her Mexican co-workers, and they meant it as a compliment. You should still aim for the body that you want, but it is nice to know that what you see in mostly-white media isn’t the only body type that is valued!
nonlineargirls last blog post..Beach Photos (or) If one picture is good, three are better