May 20, 2008
Sadness, Anger, Frustration: An Update, Comments Open
I have been going through something the past few months and it’s a subject that I always feel uncomfortable blogging about. I worry that in the midst of my vent I’ll spew something that will offend others and I don’t want to do that. I’ve experienced the repercussions of “blogging out loud” and it doesn’t feel good at all.
Thing is, I’m frustrated and angry and sad and I have to get it out. Stuffing all the emotions to the pit of my stomach isn’t healthy, and maybe just getting down to it and letting it all out will allow me to refocus on the situation.
You see, I want another baby. Doug and I have been trying to get pregnant since last fall. Actually we began trying much earlier than that, a year ago really, but we didn’t focus too hard on it because we didn’t want babymaking to become stressful. Add to that my nagging family members, constantly asking when baby number two would arrive and I was in no mood to put extra pressure on myself.
Month after month I would chart my cycles, pee on ovulation sticks, have sex at the “right time” and wait as patiently as possible hoping that when I took a home pregnancy test, positive lines would appear.
And every month as the big fat negative would stare me in the face, mocking me, the sadness would set in. Followed by anger, frustration and a loss of hope.
Oh, how I try to stay positive. Oh, how I try to not let this bring me down. I pretend that it doesn’t hurt deep inside when others announce their pregnancies. Even when I’m genuinely happy for these women, who deserve to have beautiful babies as much as anyone, part me wants to run away and not think about it. Sometimes I don’t want to go through the congratulatory motions because I feel like I’m creating more hurt for myself. Sometimes I want to scream and yell and curse. But I don’t.
I think about how ridiculous it is. I don’t want to be a jealous woman. I’ve blogged about this subject only a few times before and I feel shitty for doing it. I hate ripping open the wound for all to see. But then the anger sets in and makes me think I have the right to express how I feel.
I keep thinking that my “turn” will come again. That it’s not in the cards at this moment in time, but you know what? That pisses me off even more. And there’s no one to talk to about it. People will never tell you, but they are sick of hearing about the poor girl who can’t seem to get pregnant. I’m that girl. And when I confide in some of my pals, they nod and smile, but I can tell they don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear about it and it’s me. Yet it’s eating me alive.
And what’s worse is there’s nothing that can be said or done to make me feel better. It’s pathetic, really.
This isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with conception issues. It took two years to conceive Dawson. I’ve been diagnosed with every fucking female problem imaginable. Fibroids, PCOS, blah, blah, blah. I’ve been going to the gym to distract myself from this frustration, thinking that losing weight will help. And then I start to cry, because how much weight do I need to lose to get pregnant? Dawson will be four years old in September. Will my kids be ten years apart, because I couldn’t get pregnant?
I feel awful thinking and worrying about this crap. And I know it doesn’t help matters. I know that. I’ve been through this before. It still hurts.
My period is due tomorrow. I jumped the gun and peed on the stick today. Negative. I don’t even feel pregnant. Yet I keep holding on to this small glimmer of hope. Through the tears, I keep hoping. But it doesn’t make me feel any better.
I just had to get it all out….
(Comments are closed for now. I’m just not ready to hear what everyone is thinking. I’m sure many will think I’m crazy. I probably sound like a nut job. I know that.)
Updated - Comments are now open. After I stopped dwelling on it, I realized that I need to stop blaming myself and it’s okay to let others support me.
So many of you have sent me e-mails sharing your stories. I’ve discovered my story is not unique and some of you have felt the exact same way that I do. It’s okay to let it out. Scream and yell and curse if you need to. Use the comments as your forum. I admit, just writing my post yesterday was therapeutic and I’m somewhat clear headed today.
Thanks to everyone who e-mailed me. Words cannot express how grateful I am for your support. That alone is helping me to remain hopeful. Thank you.
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May 21st, 2008 at 1:49 pm, Lisa's Chaos Says:
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I hope things look up for you soon.
My daughter also has PCOS and I believe that’s why they decided to try for the second baby so quick. You see you may feel judged for waiting so long and she feels judged for going to quick but the doc told her sooner the better her chances would be. We have baby #2 due in Dec and I hope you have news like that soon.
I don’t tell you this to make you feel worse, hoping it gives you hope. XO When I get back from vacation we need to get together.
May 21st, 2008 at 2:29 pm, motherofbun Says:
Oh Dana. I know how you feel. (This would be why I don’t hold babies anymore. It hurts my heart too much.) I completely understand. You are genuinely happy for a friend or family member who announces their pregnancy. But you start to wonder when your turn is coming. It is frustrating and heartbreaking.
I don’t know if we’ll have more. I doubt it, due to not just infertility but other issues. But I’m still cheering you on and am hoping you find yourself with a healthy little baby within the next year or two.
motherofbuns last blog post..Of mice and meat heads
May 21st, 2008 at 7:53 pm, Wifey's House Says:
Hang in there! It sucks and you’re allowed to feel that way - smiles! Vent, then try to stay positive and pray for the best!
Wifey’s Houses last blog post..The Sexiest Thing About Your Husband
May 22nd, 2008 at 8:24 am, dana Says:
LC, thank you. That does give me hope. Believe me. We tried a few years after Dawson was born, but the doctor advised me to wait because of other reproductive issues I was having at that time.
Lisa (MOB), I’m sad that you have gone through this same situation. But selfishly, it’s nice to know you understand. -hugs- I’ll keep the faith for you.
WH, thank you! -hugs-
danas last blog post..The Working Woman’s Pregnancy Book
May 22nd, 2008 at 2:22 pm, Wisconsin Mommy Says:
Hang in there and don’t ever apologize for how you feel. You are perfectly normal for feeling that way and trying to stifle it just makes it worse.
I hope you have good news soon!
Wisconsin Mommys last blog post..Eeeek!
May 22nd, 2008 at 4:01 pm, Roxanne Says:
Hugs to you, Dana. I’m going through my own crisis right now, too, as I try to heal from the vasectomy my husband had last summer (against my wishes). Sure, I have a lot of kids already, but it still hurts to hear that my friends are pregnant when I never will be again. I want another baby so badly that it hurts.
If it helps to talk about your pain, then do it! This is your blog, and as you can see, others want to help you feel better.
I hope you get some good news soon!
Roxannes last blog post..The road to Notre Dame
May 22nd, 2008 at 9:38 pm, Elizabeth Says:
Sweetie, I just want you to know that I am here for you. I know you are starting a new job and things are going to be busy for a while, but if you have a minute and need to chat, I’m a really good listener
love you bunches!
Elizabeths last blog post..Photos and Muppets and Minivans, oh my.
May 22nd, 2008 at 9:39 pm, Christina Says:
Oh, Dana, I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through. It sounds like you’re doing everything right, and yet there is always that extra factor we seem to have no control over. It’s frustrating.
I can’t even begin to know what it must be like, but I hope that soon you’ll be able to get pregnant again.
Christinas last blog post..A Birthday Party Quandary
May 24th, 2008 at 8:00 am, Leslie Says:
Dana, I’m so sorry.
Dave and I went through months of trying and a miscarriage before we got Lucy. I know it’s agonizing right now, but when you do get pregnant (and I have faith that you will), I suspect that you’ll feel that the timing was just right. Things have a way of working out.
June 7th, 2008 at 4:13 pm, Nicole Says:
We were TTC for 8 years before finally successfully giving birth. I endured a lot of anguish along the way and have often tried to blog but it is difficult. I applaud your ability to lay it out for everyone to hear and help.
Just know that you’re not alone. You can blog about it when you need to or you can email myself (or any of the other caring women) when you need to vent a little more privately.
Nicoles last blog post..Upgrading My Thumb
October 16th, 2008 at 4:52 pm, The Dana Files » It Happens Every Time, But This Day Is Different Says:
[...] the devastation and disappointment set in. The crying ensues. The frustration and anger sweep in and take over. The bitter jealousy follows closely behind. The vicious cycle continues [...]