May 7, 2008
Attack of the Pod Preschooler
It was bound to happen. I should have expected it. No sooner than I wrote this post, praising my adorable, loving child did he turn into the spawn of Satan and launch a direct attack on his mother, in the form of a full force temper tantrum.
It was a meltdown to beat all other meltdowns. Nothing I did seemed to please him. And I suppose it was I who triggered this grand tantrum. My offense? Saying “no” when Dawson demanded to watch another episode of Spongebob.
I’m well aware of the fact that this absorbent, yellow, porous fellow is child crack. I understand how much Dawson loves him. But I couldn’t take it anymore. After he made me replay the same episode for the fifth time, I put my foot down and told Dawson he had two choices. He could go outside to play with his Momma or quietly read a book in his room
“MOMMY! I WANT TO WATCH SPONGEBOB AGAIN! I WANT TO WATCH SPONGEBOB, AGAIN, MOMMY!” he yelled and threw himself to the floor.
And then the Earth shook and a huge crack in the ground swallowed me whole. Or so I wished. Anything would have been better than what ensued after I said the awful, horrible, infuriating N-word: NO!
As my precious one continued kicking and screaming and throwing toys, I held firm. I ignored him. I left the room to let him vent. He followed me from room to room, making damn sure I knew he was having a fit.
Tears streamed down his face, his eyes were as red as tomatoes and he was beginning to hyperventilate. Could Spongebob be sending secret messages to my child? Is this like Helter Skelter all over again? If I play the DVD backwards will Squidward proclaim, “Paul is dead?”
Ten minutes into this insanity I lost my shit. I blew up. I said a naughty word. I took the Lord’s name in vain. I couldn’t take it anymore.
“That’s ENOUGH, goddammit. If you don’t shut the funk up, I’m going to jump out the fricken window! Do you HEAR ME? Your mother is going to kill herself and Daddy will marry a very mean woman who will become your step-MONSTER! And if you think I’m so awful, wait until she makes you clean the chimney and wash the floors with your spit!”
The screaming continued until I myself was in tears. All this? Over freakin’ Spongebob? I grabbed Dawson by the arm and dragged him into my room and tried to reason with him.
“Dawson, sweetie. Mommy can’t take it anymore. Let’s lay down and take a nap.” Another awful N-word.
“NO! I….(sniffle)…don’t…(sniffle)….wanna….(sob)…NAP…(screech, sniffle sob)!”
It was at this moment of weakness that I began to curse myself. It’s all your fault. You spoiled him by letting him watch cartoons so you can get work done. You’re a bad mother. You created this monster. And then my husband came home from work.
“Dawson, why is mommy curled into a ball on the floor?” Doug asked.
“Daddy! I wanna watch Spongebob and Mommy said NO!” Dawson whined.
“You want Daddy to take you outside to play baseball?”
“O-kay.” Dawson said reluctantly.
I couldn’t believe it. I offered to go play outside with Dawson, but that wasn’t good enough! What the hell?
I could have dwelled upon this all evening but instead I put on my workout clothes and drove to the YMCA. An hour on the elliptical might do me some good. Maybe I could sweat off all the craziness.
It was just what the doctor ordered. No screaming kids. Just an exercise machine, my iPod and me. It was heaven compared to the hell I had experienced just moments before.
When I got home an hour and a half later I was shocked to see Dawson in a great mood; as if no tantrum had happened that day.
“Hi Mumma!” he ran over to hug me. “How was your Y, Mumma? Do you feel better?”
Argh. How can I stay mad at such a cute little smarty-pants?
“Yes, I feel better.” I said. “But the real question is, who are you and what did you do with Dawson?”
———-
If you have a moment, click over to Stuff Reviews, where I have a review of Pizza Hut’s new Tuscani Pasta. Pizza Hut is giving away an order of the pasta to one lucky reader!
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May 7th, 2008 at 11:15 am, Nicole Says:
Dana - You’re a better woman than I am. I would have walked in the door and ask hubby if he let Dawson watch another episode of SpongeBob! (Not realizing that you had already said no.)
As for SpongeBob itself, it’s strictly banned in our house. I can’t stand that show! If a show goes off and SpongeBob comes on, the kids know to let me know or to change the channel themselves!
May 7th, 2008 at 11:39 am, Dana Says:
I admit, Spongebob can be funny….for adults. But for kids….I swear it teaches them bad behavior. I don’t know how to create a happy medium — where he can still watch it (and I don’t have to censor it) and still be a good little boy like he should.
May 7th, 2008 at 7:07 pm, Ashley Says:
I hope you know this is not good for me, being that I will BE THERE soon. And my girl’s got spirit. Ahh, well. I wish you lived next door, so I could help take care of you, too!
May 7th, 2008 at 8:17 pm, Wifey's House Says:
I feel your pain. My four year old diva, I mean daughter, is putting me through it right now! I posted about it on Monday … she got me good at her brother’s tennis lessons! Hang in there - Smiles!
May 8th, 2008 at 12:24 pm, Liz Says:
Mommy loses her shit, over preschooler going ape shit, while daddy comes home and makes it all better.
Gosh, but I hate that.
Hang in there. Pretty soon, they’ll both think you’re full of shit and it won’t really matter that much, anymore.
Niiiiice, right?
Next week, I’ll tell you about the time my husband told me, “Not tonight, I have a headache,” and I swore he was having an affair with the television.
May 8th, 2008 at 1:10 pm, Dana Says:
Liz, that sounds hilarious. Can’t wait!
May 8th, 2008 at 2:32 pm, White Hot Magik Says:
Hey I was just checking out MochaMomma’s commentluv. Nice feature.
I can’t help but leave a comment, I have a three year old boy. I know this scenario all too well.
White Hot Magiks last blog post..More Hummingbird Jewelry
May 8th, 2008 at 2:51 pm, RubiaLala Says:
I swear that I have checked under the bed and looked in dark closets to try and find my actual kid because I’m convinced he’s been cloned and only the evil genes made it to the clone. How else do you explain such drastic change in behavior?!?
RubiaLalas last blog post..Does Anyone Know What This Is?
July 1st, 2008 at 5:42 pm, Yemek Tarifleri Says:
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