May 5, 2008
Missing My Baby
Lately, I’ve been in a bit of a funk about motherhood. Little Dawson isn’t really so little anymore. He is only three years old, but my son is growing more independent every day. He wants to do everything by himself. He doesn’t want his mother to open the door for him, or pour milk into a cup for him, or help him get dressed each day.
“Mommy, I want to do it!” he declares emphatically, and I can’t help but feel abandoned. No longer needed.
It’s difficult to grasp the reality that Dawson is growing up. That he will continue to grow up, and that someday, he’ll leave this house to start his own life, separate from mine.
From the moment he was conceived, Dawson became a part of my life. That precious baby grew inside my womb. Every decision I made revolved around this tiny being that took over my physical and emotional selves. With every kick in the ribs, I grew to love that child and anxiously awaited for the day he’d make his debut in the world.
Then Dawson was born and life has been in fast forward ever since. Except, it never feels as fast when you’re in the thick of motherhood. I remember how difficult it was to wake several times a night to nurse a baby. How desperately I wanted to sleep, how often I wished for my baby to “get a little older” so parenting would “get a little easier”.
I don’t know if it ever gets easier, only better. While my baby was learning and growing, I was, too. The bond between a mother and child is unbreakable, and the moments that Dawson and I share are so precious. I often feel like I’m struggling to hold onto these memories, these moments. I fear that I may forget them, and someday he’ll ask, “What was I like when I was a baby?” I worry that I will not remember, and won’t be able to tell him.
When I look at Dawson now, I keep asking the question, “Where did my baby go? Who is this child in his place?”
This boy is the lover of all things Spongebob and monster trucks. He is a little boy who lives to be outside, loves dirt and swings and slides and the beach. He loves when his mommy reads to him, even if it is the FleetFarm catalog. He wants to grow up and be a race car, just like Lightning McQueen.
He wants to ride his bike until his little legs cannot pedal any longer. He wants to take his dog for a walk “like a big kid” and hold the leash all by himself. He is kind and loving and never forgets to tell his mother he loves her, even in front of others. He finds beauty in even the ugliest of things, like worms and grubs and centipedes. He is curious. He is cautious. He is smart. He is witty. He is the spitting image of his father, but he has my father’s eyes.
It feels like just yesterday that I held baby Dawson in my arms. There are days when I sit next to his “big boy bed” while he is sleeping and try to remember the baby. I gaze at his hands and remember the first moment he grasped my thumb. I kiss his feet and remember his first steps. I kiss his lips and remember the first time he latched on to my breast to nurse. I pat his belly and remember the first time he giggled after giving him a raspberry. He may no longer resemble an infant, but if I look long and hard I can still see my baby boy.
While it’s hard to watch my son grow up, I know it’s inevitable — he’s been gearing up to leave me since the day he was born. This is one of the hardest parts of motherhood. Instead of grieving over the loss of the baby years, I try to focus on the joy of watching him become the little boy he is meant to be. And, most importantly, I savor every “Mommy, I wuv-a you,” because someday I know it will be uncool to tell your mother you love her. That’s one of the hardest parts of growing up.
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May 5th, 2008 at 4:19 PM, Cheryl Says:
It is crazy how quickly time flies. I keep praying for strength to weather through the 3-feedings-a-night thing (you mean she hasn’t grown out of that yet?). I remind myself how different she’ll be in just a few months. She’ll be crawling and pulling herself up and becoming a toddler. I’m trying hard not to begrudge her extra mommy nummies now.
May 5th, 2008 at 4:48 PM, Leslie Says:
Oh Dana. This was beautiful. As trite as it may sound, they really do grow fast. Julia feels especially grown up now that Lucy is here. I just look at her and think, “When did she get so big?” It’s wonderful and heartbreaking, all at the same time.
May 5th, 2008 at 5:41 PM, dana Says:
Cheryl, I know this sounds corny, but I miss the middle of the night feedings. The extra bonding time. When I was going through it, running on no sleep, it was the last thing I wanted to be doing. It’s just so unreal.
Leslie, I’m sure Julia appeared to have grown inches after you came home with Lucy. Sometimes when I see mommies with babies, I think, “I don’t remember Dawson being that little!”
May 5th, 2008 at 7:22 PM, Nicole Says:
That was beautifully written. Yes, they do grow up fast! I was just telling DH the other day that I’m amazed at how much our first has grown. Having a real conversation with her about whatever. It’s cool. It’s amazing. It’s also very sad – because she’s not little any more.
May 6th, 2008 at 9:48 AM, RC Says:
Thanks for stopping by my site. And I totally know where you are coming from.
Little Dude is growing much too quickly, and although I cheer each milestone, I also grieve the loss of my baby. I look forward to what he will be come, but miss what he has been.
I try to just live in the moment and enjoy every step of the way. But motherhood is just full of conflicting emotions, isn’t it?
May 6th, 2008 at 10:00 AM, Allison Says:
That was beautifully written. I still have a “baby” but it’s shocking to see him turning into a real person.
That picture of him sleeping as an infant is wonderful. What a great photo.
Thanks for sharing.
May 7th, 2008 at 9:41 AM, The Dana Files » Attack of the Pod Preschooler Says:
[...] was bound to happen. I should have expected it. No sooner than I wrote this post, praising my adorable, loving child did he turn into the spawn of Satan and launch a direct attack [...]