November 4, 2007
Embarrassing Sex Moment
I originally wrote this as a guest post for Vodkarella’s blog. But in honor of NaBloPoMo, I thought I’d post it here, too. And it’s Sunday. I’m sure you are all very busy today, and have no time to read this dull post. Heh.
Also, November 4th is Waiting For The Barbarians Day. (That’s just too funny.) Enjoy today’s post.
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Hi, I’m Dana from The Dana Files. I’m guest posting on Vodkarella’s blog today and let me tell you I am very excited about this! Except, I have to confess I was freaking out about what to post here.
I had all these ideas flowing through the rushing river that is my brain, but none of them really were fascinating. And then I started to panic, thinking I wouldn’t have anything good to write about.
But then Wednesday night, the Blog Gods heard my prayers and gave me some great material. And it’s hilarious. And something I could never post at my own blog because my Catholic mother reads me even though she denies it.
Are you ready?
I’m taking a big, bloggy breath.
Inhale. Exhale.
Here goes:
My toddler walked in on my husband and me having sex.
I’m hiding under the desk. I’ll be out after the shame disappears.
Okay. I know it’s not a big deal. Dawson is not quite three years old. He probably, I sure as hell hope, has no idea what sex is. And even though this episode is flashing in my mind, I know I’m not Charlotte York and I know that sex is not dirty. Despite what all those “good” Catholics say to discourage their teenagers from pre-marital relations.
I know you’re wondering how this happened.
It was 9:00 p.m. on Wednesday night. Dawson was still awake because we regrettably let him take a late nap at 4 o’clock. I tried my best to get The Doodlebug to bed because The Hubby and I…umm…made a date…to fornicate. I know bad choice of words, but it rhymes!
Yes, a sex date. What can I say? We both work full-time, we have crazy, conflicting schedules and it had been awhile. If I didn’t put this on the calendar it never would’ve happened. And considering I’m the one doing all the initiating these days (entirely different story there), nothing was getting in the way of our rendezvous. Plus, I was really in the mood.
What? Don’t give me that look.
I may be Catholic, but I’m not dead from the waist down. And we’re married. It’s all good. Besides, I’ve already revealed what’s in my goody drawer, and I even did a sex-themed radio show with the Mominatrix. And it could have been worse. This could have happened to us. That is if we lived with my in-laws. Ewww. I don’t want to think about that.
Back to my sex talk, shall we?
So, as I was saying, Dawson refused to go to bed. I gave him a bath, dressed him in his jammies, grabbed his favorite blanket and put Peter Pan into the DVD player. I waited twenty minutes for Dawson to become mesmerized by the movie and then grabbed The Hubby and headed for the bedroom.
“I think we have to make this quick, you don’t mind do you?” I asked.
“Whatever. I guess I’m just your sex slave, huh?” he said with a laugh.
Ten minutes later we were in the middle of our business. I can’t even name the position we were in, because suddenly I’m really embarrassed. But I was on my hands and knees if you catch my drift. I’m blushing as I type this.
I didn’t even hear the door open. Who knows how long the Doodlebug had been standing there.
“Dawson! Get out! Get out!” my husband shrieked.
I looked up and saw Dawson’s silhouette in the doorway. Thank God the lights are off, I thought.
I rolled over so quickly that I fell off the bed and started to laugh and cry at the same time. My husband tried to shoo our son out of the room as Dawson spanked his father on the leg.
“Stop spanking my Mumma, Daddy!” Dawson yelled.
(What!? A little spanking never hurt anyone. Okay, wait. That’s not what I meant. Shutting up now.)
“Dawson, go back to the living room.” The Hubby said.
“Don’t hurt my Mumma!” Dawson yelled back.
At this point I was laughing so hard I snorted. I couldn’t take it. I didn’t know what to do. The Hubby put on his shorts and took Dawson back to the living room. He gave Dawson a bowl of ice cream, thinking this would make up for the trauma we caused. I figured it would keep him occupied in addition to the movie so we could continue.
When Hubby returned to the bedroom he was not as amused as I was.
“This really isn’t funny, you know.” He started to put his shirt on. “He’s probably scarred for life.”
“What? Nah! He doesn’t know what we were doing!” I said, still laughing. “You’re gonna let this get to you? Looks like we’ll never have any more kids!”
We finished our business quickly and afterwards, I put on my nightgown and went to check on Dawson.
When he saw me he said, “Daddy’s naughty, Mumma. He can’t jump you.”
I started to snicker, trying desperately to gain composure. I found it funny that he omitted the word “on”, as in “jump ON you”.
“Doodlebug, what do you think Daddy and Mumma were doing?” I asked.
“Daddy, touched Mumma’s butt.” he said. Apparently he can see very well in the dark.
“Yes, he did, but we were just playing.” I said.
“Daddy spanked Mumma? Mumma is naughty?” he asked.
Choking with laughter, I said, “Yes, Dawson. Mumma is naughty. She forgot to lock the bedroom door.”
Three-year-olds don’t have good memories, right? I mean, I don’t think I remember anything before age four, anyway. I can only imagine the therapy this child is going to need if he doesn’t forget this incident quickly!
Posted by Dana @ 11:39 am • NaBloPoMo
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November 4th, 2007 at 12:15 pm, Amber Says:
Talk about my worst nightmare.
And what sounds like some rough sex.
November 4th, 2007 at 1:12 pm, patois Says:
Oh, I am laughing, laughing, laughing. Sorry, but I am still laughing.
November 4th, 2007 at 5:43 pm, mammacheryl Says:
Laughing my ass off over here, too. It could have been worse. “Daddy, why was Mumma praying so loud?” *oh god*
November 4th, 2007 at 7:46 pm, Jennifer Says:
I think all kids witness there parents having sex. It is part of the initiation of life. You shouldn’t be to hard on yourself.
November 4th, 2007 at 11:37 pm, Violet the Verbose Says:
Hey Dana, Omigod, that is so funny! Don’t worry, as he gets older even if he does remember that he sure as heck won’t want to talk about it with you and Doug. ha ha ha! Just kidding - I doubt he will remember it. That is just too funny, though.
November 5th, 2007 at 12:53 am, Mama Loves Baby Says:
Funny shit. soooo funny.
November 5th, 2007 at 9:56 am, Dana Says:
Okay. I can’t believe y’all came by on a Sunday to read this!
Hehehe. I still laugh when I read this post back. It is kind of funny. Of course Doug doesn’t think so. He actually shudders whenever I mention it to tease him. Heh.
November 5th, 2007 at 1:52 pm, Julie Says:
For a moment I thought Peter Pan was in the DVD player for you and the hub. And I was very, very curious (and a little bit sad for you, honestly).
Funny story!
November 5th, 2007 at 10:01 pm, Dana Says:
-gasp- Julie! You silly girl. You’ve managed to make me laugh and cry at the same time. Hehehehe. Just teasing. I imagine that would be a little weird!
November 5th, 2007 at 11:39 pm, Dawn Says:
Perfect Sunday post!
November 18th, 2007 at 2:41 pm, Weekly Best Blogs - Jen’s Blog Roundup « Jen’s Genuine Life Says:
[...] Sex gone wrong story I think I would die if this happened to me. [...]
May 3rd, 2008 at 2:50 pm, John Carson Says:
One embarrassing moment was I pulled down this girl’s pants named (BETH) She had a tampon in her, but didn’t tell me. I didn’t know what to say. She just pulled her pants up and it was over. Why the hell wouldn’t a girl warn you?
August 31st, 2008 at 11:20 pm, John Says:
well one time.. when i was younger, i walked into my parents bedroom with a girl planning to have sex, (my bed was tiny) and my parents were having sex,i thought they were still out, and we all jsut stared at eachtoher, but no one could say anything because we all had the same intention, most akward moment of my life, thats forsure.