October 30, 2007
Negative
I’m a complete idiot. You all were right. I looked at the stupid test again, too late after the initial reading. It’s a false positive. I knew it in the back of my mind. (I took the other post down because I can’t stand to look it. It reminds me of how dumb I am.)
But still, I held on to that little particle of possibility. A dust mite of hope.
I had a blood test done during my lunch hour yesterday. Just because I couldn’t bring myself to wait any longer. I wanted a second baby so badly, even my body was “acting pregnant”.
The doctor called back several hours later to say, “The hCG levels in your blood stream are not consistent with pregnancy.”
I knew that all along.
He gave me the usual blurb about waiting until I’ve missed a period and testing again, but I’m afraid I’ll be disappointed for the second time. Why bother.
I’m just not one of those women who can get pregnant by breathing the same air as her partner. It took three years to conceive Dawson. I should have known the same would be true with all future attempts to have another baby.
I’m so confused. My body is screwed up. I really felt pregnant, even before I peed on that stick. I had the nausea, the exhaustion, the loss of balance, the high temperature.
Apparently it was all psychological. The medical term for what I have experienced is “phantom pregnancy”. How fitting.
Happy Halloween.
Posted by Dana @ 8:23 AM • Pregnancy
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October 30th, 2007 at 8:43 AM, sam Says:
Don’t be so hard on yourself! *hugs* I am so sorry!
If you haven’t gotten AF yet, that’s a good sign!
October 30th, 2007 at 9:12 AM, ~JJ! Says:
We’ve all done it to ourselves….
I’m sorry.
October 30th, 2007 at 10:06 AM, mammacheryl Says:
*hugs* Wish I could run down there today and bring you some cake or a piece of pie. We could commiserate over a cup of coffee or something. Luv ya kiddo.
October 30th, 2007 at 10:17 AM, dana Says:
Thanks, Sam! I’m just going to call it a bad month and move on. I have to let it go, or I’ll never be able to get pregnant.
JJ, thanks. I know I’m not the only one who’s been here. I’m just feeling depressed and foolish. It will pass eventually.
Thanks, Cheryl. Kiss Anna and Ben for me. -hugs-
October 30th, 2007 at 10:45 AM, biodtl Says:
I’m de-lurking to say that I have been there. I did the same thing month after month with my second. I was convinced I was pregnant so many times – nausea, sore boobs, implantation spotting, etc – that the even the negative tests barely convinced me I was not. And it’s such a cliche, but the first month that I didn’t think I was pregnant, I was. In fact, I had the symptoms and thought I had the flu or something and actually went to the doctor. You’re definitely no the only one who has made herself crazy over it!
October 30th, 2007 at 11:00 AM, dana Says:
Thank you so much for delurking! I’m so glad to know I’m not crazy. Because I really thought I was losing my mind!
You have no idea how much I appreciate your comment!
October 30th, 2007 at 11:28 AM, Mocha Says:
Oh, Dana. You must be feeling a whirlwind of emotions and I’m sorry about that. Take care of yourself. Ben & Jerry’s works wonders, you know. Have a pint.
You’re not crazy and if you are it’s the good kind. All the cool kids are doing it.
October 30th, 2007 at 11:38 AM, dana Says:
Thanks, Kelly!
If anything, I just feel foolish. Isn’t that a kick in the pants! heh.
October 30th, 2007 at 11:58 AM, dinky Says:
I’m right there with you Dana, I had a 49 day cycle a couple months back (WTF)… two weeks of thinking I was pregnant, and not getting a positive PT. FUN.
Hang in there, I’m tryin to.
October 30th, 2007 at 12:17 PM, Dana Says:
Thanks sweetie! I’m glad I’m not the only one! I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you, too!
October 30th, 2007 at 1:02 PM, Julie Pippert Says:
I’m so sorry. I dealt with infertility both times I tried to conceive, and thanks to a clever doctor have my great girls. But oh I remember too well still those EPT days. Hang in there.
Julie
Using My Words
October 30th, 2007 at 1:29 PM, Dana Says:
thank you, Julie. I have a feeling things will work out when I least expect it.
October 30th, 2007 at 6:08 PM, Suzanne Says:
Don’t give up yet. When I was 9 weeks pregnant with my #2 I thought I miscarried so I went in for bloodwork and it came back with the same outcome – HCG levels aren’t consistent with pregnancy. After 2 days I went in for an ultrasound to confirm it and there was a little bean with a heart beat! My miracle baby. She is a healthy 1 year old
So to make a long story short – don’t give up – think positive and it will happen 
>
October 30th, 2007 at 7:43 PM, Dana Says:
Suzanne,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I didn’t want to think negatively, I just felt it was easier than going through that pain. But the fact that you shared your success story, makes me feel like I can still hold on to that hope.
Thanks so much!
October 31st, 2007 at 9:30 PM, Dawn Says:
guh, it makes me hurt for you ….
November 1st, 2007 at 8:35 AM, Dana Says:
Dawn, I’m actually feeling better.
I cried about it for a day or two and then I realized I can always try again. Or maybe things will turn out in my favor. Who knows. If I don’t get my monthly “thing”, I’ll just test again!
November 1st, 2007 at 9:07 AM, patois Says:
I’m sorry, Dana. I am glad you’re feeling better. Hang in there. You’ve got lots of us rooting for you.
November 1st, 2007 at 9:14 AM, Dana Says:
Thanks, sweetie! I appreciate you all so much. I can’t even put it into proper words without tearing up a little. -hugs hugs hugs-
October 16th, 2008 at 4:51 PM, The Dana Files » It Happens Every Time, But This Day Is Different Says:
[...] I knew in my heart that it was just another phantom pregnancy, that I was just obsessing about it all and therefore my body was playing tricks on [...]