October 4, 2007
Flashback: One Year Ago
Last year, at about this time, I was experiencing some kind of depression. I look back on the words I wrote and I wonder if I’ve overcome my uphill battle. Here’s the post I wrote last year on October 6:
“This time Lord, you gave me a mountain. A mountain I may never climb. It isn’t, Lord, a hill any longer. You gave me a mountain this time.”
Some of you may be thinking I’m listening to Elvis Presley. Well, not currently, but on my way to work I sometimes pop in the King’s music to get me revved and awake for work. There’s something about “All Shook Up” that livens me up a little.
But this morning, I listened to the words to the song “You Gave Me A Mountain”, the chorus which I’ve typed above, and realized it rang true for me. I’ve got a mountain to climb and I don’t know if I can do it.
Lately, my life is calm, unusually calm. My marriage is solid. I’m happy and content and more in love with my husband than ever before. My son is beautiful and healthy and learning and growing right before my eyes. My dog is ever faithful. My relationship with my mom is stronger than I ever remember it. Even my sister and I are getting along like never before.
Sure, I haven’t been happy with my job lately, and I’ve thought of walking out one day and never coming back, but I realized that no job is perfect and it’s up to me to make it better. Since my attitude adjustment about my professional life, things have been looking up.
I have finally come to terms with the fall out with former friends, too. I thought I would miss them terribly, and while I’m still saddened by the events that took place, I’m content with the fact that we parted ways. Now that the barrel of emotions, both sadness and anger and heartbreak, have subsided, I’m happy in my life and I wish them the same; happiness and good fortune. I can’t hold a grudge forever.
So, yes, my life is unusually calm. No drama. No chaos. No day-to-day stress. The worst things that have happened in the last few weeks have been dealing with toddler temper tantrums and thankfully, these end quickly!
But even amidst this calm in my life, I can’t help but feel depressed. I know that many others often have these moments of despair, uncertainty, worry, doubt, [insert emotion here]. Are these emotions new for me? No. Are these emotions I can control? I think so. Then why do I feel helpless? I don’t know.
Last month at my annual pelvic exam, my doctor asked me several questions about my “mental health”. Studies show, he said to me, that women are more prone to depression and that Rice Medical has seen an increase in cases of depression among women, mostly mothers, who are suffering from delayed PPD or seasonal depression. Because of this increase they are taking measures to make female patients more aware of these conditions. I mentioned that I was concerned about this, because of my family’s history of these types of illnesses.
He asked me to keep a journal. This should be a journal of good days, okay days and bad days. It was in that moment that I realized it’s better to be safe than sorry. Yes. I would document my days.
After I had given birth to Dawson, I had my hormonal/emotional days of crying uncontrollably, even over happy things. I remember those days. They soon passed. Or at least I thought they had passed. It wasn’t until Dawson was 18 months old that I started having “symptoms” of depression. But I denied that it was depression. I didn’t think I had a problem. I still don’t believe I have a problem. Even though depression runs in my family. I don’t think there is a problem.
But lately, I think there’s a problem and I want to fix it. I want to fix it so badly. But I don’t know where to begin. I know that I’m not always happy. But I don’t know if I’m always sad. My brain has been working overtime, analyzing and re-analyzing whether or not I’m crazy. And I hate the word “crazy” because it’s so negative, but this is what keeps running through my mind.
Am I crazy? And if I were crazy, would I really be sitting around wondering if I am crazy? Do I need medication? Do I just need to relax? Exercise more? Change my diet? Spend more time with family? Will that make these negative feelings go away? Will happy thoughts replace bad thoughts in my brain? What should I do? Should I see a therapist? Again? Can I go through that? I didn’t do so well the first time and that was experimental for me. I really didn’t think I need to go then and I did. Should I go back? What will Doug think? Will he support me? What will Dawson think when he’s older? Maybe I’m just overreacting. Maybe this is normal, to feel this way.
See what I mean? I don’t know what to do. I have this mountain in front of me and I don’t have the ropes and guides to climb it.
What if I fall? What if I get to the other side and realize I didn’t accomplish anything at all? But, on the other hand, what if I make it to the other side and things are better? How will I handle the outcome either way?
“This time Lord, you gave me a mountain. A mountain I may never climb. It isn’t, Lord, a hill any longer. You gave me a mountain this time.”
But damn it…I’m sure going to try. I’m going to do my best to climb this mountain. And I hope to see you on the other side.
———-
I’ve changed a lot in the last year. In November of 2006, I did walk out of my old job and I never looked back. The job I have today is amazing and I like to think God gave me the strength and courage to take such a big risk and it worked out for the better.
As for that situation with my old friends, I’ve reconciled with one of them and things are well.
I think it’s amazing how much more grounded I feel today than I did one year ago. I still have ugly days where I want to yell (Tuesday was one of them) and then I realized this is normal. I am normal. (Although if the all of the world thinks they are normal I sometimes think it’s better to be a little nuts. Ha ha.)
I’m going on a work/leisure trip tomorrow and I won’t be back until Monday. I’m bringing my laptop and I’ll try my best to blog from Green Lake, Wisconsin (where the family and I are heading). Have a great weekend everyone!
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October 4th, 2007 at 11:50 AM, Dawn Says:
There’s no shame in realizing things have gone gray – realizing it is the first step to correcting it.
It gets DARK in Wisconsin in the winter (Okay, it did in Minnesota, so I assume Wisc is the same) – I put Blues Buster light bulbs in a lamp in the bedroom and set a timer so the light would come on before my alarm – just having that light in the morning helped me get started on a slightly more positive note.
I had another friend… actually a former friend (which I am finally okay with too) who says the winter she went tanning once a week was the one winter she didn’t get depressed in the winter.
October 4th, 2007 at 12:02 PM, Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah Says:
Have fun in Green Lake!
October 4th, 2007 at 4:49 PM, Leslie Says:
It’s amazing to look back and see that you’re no longer at the foot of that mountain. That’s got to be a great feeling.
Have fun on your trip!
October 4th, 2007 at 6:17 PM, mammacheryl Says:
Have a good time, Dana dear.
October 4th, 2007 at 9:21 PM, mom2amara Says:
Have a good trip!
And thank goodness you’re normal. That means I’m normal too.
October 5th, 2007 at 3:18 PM, Wisconsin Mommy Says:
Good for you! And it sounds like you have a good Dr too – my Dr was so clueless, I had to diagnose myself with PPD, then he prescribed Zoloft for me over the phone and never did any follow up. I couldn’t stand the way it made me feel and took myself off of it after a couple of days (not the best move – but I wasn’t really thinking clearly at the time). Needless to say, I have since gotten myself a new doctor!!
October 5th, 2007 at 3:18 PM, Wisconsin Mommy Says:
meant to add – have a good trip!
it’s hard to type with this stinking bandage!!