September 20, 2007
And So It Goes…
I was going to write this clever, witty post about how I might be pregnant. I wrote all my thoughts and hit ‘publish’ only to delete the post seconds later. I just didn’t feel like being funny. I felt like spitting out all the jumbled words in my head.
So, here goes:
When I was pregnant with Dawson, I knew before I took the test. It was instinct. I was still surprised when the little pink line appeared, but I think my shock was the result of all the years I tried to conceive but couldn’t. This time, it was true. I was going to have a baby.
As of today, I don’t feel pregnant. My breasts do not hurt. I’m not experiencing morning sickness (I know, it’s still early), I don’t have any other signs of pregnancy like I did with Dawson. The logical part of my brain tells me I’m not, and this makes me sad because I do want another baby. For the last year, I’ve been strategically planning the conception of Baby Number Two.
The Hubs and I do not use contraception and we’ve stop the rhythm method months ago. We had the plan of “whatever happens, happens…” but it’s not happening.
Technically, my period is not late. It’s not due for 4 or 5 more days. But even that guess could be wrong because my cycles are anywhere from 30-42 days long. It varies so much that I have no idea when I’m ovulating. I can guess based on cervical mucus and other gross crap like that.
So, we’ve been having sex on the days I think are the “right days” and based on those cervical signs, I think we might have hit the right day. But yet, I know we didn’t. I just know it. But like a masochist, I keep beating myself up about it. I still hang on to that tiny sliver of hope that it might be true. Even though this feels like a repeat of the three years of disappointment before finally conceiving Dawson.
Then, last Thursday, I had my annual pap/pelvic/breast exam. I arrived at my appointment and filled out the required paperwork:
Do you have any health concerns? If yes, what? I’d like to know how to eat like a horse and still lose weight.
Do you feel safe in your current relationship? I think you should be asking my husband if he feels safe.
Is domestic violence a concern for you? You mean other than when I call my husband an asshat-mother-fucker, during my period?
Are you practicing any methods of birth control? No. We’re trying to have another little alien someday.
The nurse called me back and weighed me. 980 pounds today. Down 5 from last month. Yay me! She measured my height. Five feet, five-and-a-half inches. I grew half and inch somehow. Then she took my blood pressure. 168/100. Not good. Bad actually.
Dr. A came in and gave me an ultimatum. Lose 25 pounds by January 1st, or suffer the consequences. His exact words? “Your blood pressure is too high. It’s been high for the last three years, since your son was born. It may not kill you today, or tomorrow, or even next week — but in 15 years you’ll be dead.”
Thanks for scaring me, Dr. A. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
So, once it is confirmed that I am not pregnant, I will need to take a medication for my blood pressure. And it is advised that I do not conceive until the BP is under control. My mother has HBP, so did my grandmother. They both took several medications for it. I understand it’s hereditary. But I’m too young. I’m only twenty-eight!
The next test was a skin punch biopsy. WhyMommy has Inflammatory Breast Cancer and some of the symptoms were so familiar to me, such as the itching of one breast and nipple. I decided to have a test done. Like a complete fool, I didn’t research this procedure. Instead I had visions of a big paper punch taking a chunk of my breast. When the technician came in with a needle and syringe I got a little nervous.
I received the results of the test on Monday afternoon. Negative. I cannot tell you how thrilled I was. But also sad. I began to cry. I cried harder than I ever imagined I could. I cried for WhyMommy. I cursed the fact that she has to fight this terrible disease. I worried about her, her family, her babies.
I cannot fathom having cancer. A disease that kills. So many women die from this. I hate writing those words because I pray to God that WhyMommy beats this. But I’d be kidding myself if I didn’t say it. IBC kills. Women die from this disease and many of them leave this world. And their children are innocent victims, just like them.
Dear God, please give us a miracle. Please rid her body of this vicious cancer. Please, please, please.
While I’m sitting here, writing about babies and pregnancy, like a blubbering idiot, another woman is going through chemotherapy and struggling to fight an illness. Struggling to cherish every single day with her children. This isn’t right.
I can’t even write anything else. The tears are falling into the keyboard.
I promise that when I find out what’s going on (if anything) inside my uterus, I’ll let you all know.
Until then, please visit WhyMommy. Put up a button, showing your support. Send her your prayers and good wishes. She needs them more than I do.
Posted by Dana @ 11:16 am • Bedlam, Health, Wellness, Fitness, Exercise
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September 20th, 2007 at 11:40 am, ~JJ! Says:
Oh Dana.
I’m sorry.
I hope it happens for you now…
I’ll be thinking of you.
September 20th, 2007 at 2:19 pm, Miss Says:
I’m sorry you are in this place right now. But believe me when I say that people are hoping and praying (or whatever they do) for you and your family right now. You are an awesome person. Dont forget that!
September 20th, 2007 at 10:11 pm, Eric Says:
After our oldest, we had some trouble conceiving too. Having babies alters a mom’s metabolism and all sorts of things about her body. I’ll pray that you don’t have any form cancer and that you’re either pregnant now or soon. Don’t give up!
*HUGS*
Eric
September 20th, 2007 at 10:13 pm, Dawn Says:
I have always had crazy cycles. Always. Got told by 4 doctors that it would take drugs to get me pregnant. I documented my cycles for 3 years, they ranged from 30 ish days to 364 days. I learned about the fun egg white check (I have a hand gesture for it that involves putting my middle finger and my thumb together and whooshing them apart).
And then we became the assholes who got pregnant on the first month of actual trying. Talk about an OMGWTF in our world. It was like OMG sex ed actually was true?!? Followed by Scout going pale and realizing how close we could have come to being pregnant many, many times. (We pretty much figured we were never getting pregnant and would go buy a convertible instead.)
This rambling brought to you by the “How bout them Cubs” committee of trying to soothe you somehow… and not really knowing what to say.
September 20th, 2007 at 11:59 pm, A Whole Lot of Nothing Says:
I went straight to WhyMommy and put up the banner. Thanks for spreading the word.
I wish you all the best and will be checking back in with you.
September 21st, 2007 at 6:01 am, Liz Says:
Hang in there, Dana - I am sorry for all the chaos - I’m heading over to WhyMommy, right now.
Hugs.
September 21st, 2007 at 7:54 am, Elizabeth Says:
Oh sweetie. I’m heading over to WhyMommy right now to grab the badge code. Email me if you want to chat. And, 25 pounds by January 1st? Mind if I join you in that? Daily exercise and the WW CORE diet, and it should totally be do-able for me.
September 21st, 2007 at 9:58 am, dana Says:
I want to thank each and every one of you for being so kind to me. Even when I was whining and crying over something so ridiculous. And thank you for getting the button for WhyMommy. I’m so honored and lucky to have you all as friends. It warms my heart! -hugs to each of you-
September 21st, 2007 at 10:43 am, amanda Says:
You know what? The doctor used the tact of an ogre, but at least you can cut through the image bs and do this in the name of your health, as your promise to your family that you’ll be around. Whymommy is going to kick cancer’s ass and you can kick 25 pounds, you really, really can. Remember, you created life, 25 pounds is nothing. My bet is you lose 7 and you’ll find yourself good’n knocked up.
Going to give Whymommy more love. HUgs.
September 22nd, 2007 at 8:34 am, Julie Says:
I can’t decide if I think your doctor is awesome for his bluntness or if, to steal your own words, he’s an asshat motherfucker. But I’m leaning towards the latter. Mostly because I thought he was an asshat motherfucker a few weeks ago when you were sick.
Hang in there, though. You’re a strong woman and you will lose the weight, get the blood pressure down, and conceive an alien. I just know it.
September 23rd, 2007 at 4:05 pm, Leslie Says:
Hang in there, Dana. It’s going to work out. It will.
September 24th, 2007 at 8:54 pm, mom2amara Says:
Dana, what’s with the whack job doctors lately? I know we’ve talked about it before…love our docs, hate their sometime bedside manner. But dear heaven!
Just know I’m right there with ya. Primary doc thinks I should lose some weight just because so now I’m meeting with a trainer. And OB says if I even want to consider conceiving, I need surgery to have fibroids removed. So my two years between children pipe dream became five and now with the prospect of surgery has pushed it to most likely six. So girl, if you need words of encouragement, I’m here for ya!
September 24th, 2007 at 8:55 pm, mom2amara Says:
Oh, and as I’m trying to catch up on blogs, I almost forgot - if you’re interested, I tagged you…