August 31, 2007

Balloon Boogie

Every night at 7 p.m. CST, Dawson and I watch reruns of Mama’s Family. I know many of you will find this funny and others will find it strange.

I love the show because it reminds me of my grandmother, Alice. Whenever we’d visit Grandma, if Mama’s Family was on, the entire house was quiet so we could laugh at Vicky Lawrence in her old lady get-up. And whenever Carol Burnett was guest starring on the show, we’d crack up because she was dressed to look like Lucille Ball circa I Love Lucy.

So now as an adult, I turn on these old reruns and I can feel my grandma’s presence as though she’s watching them with me. It’s kind of crazy, but you just have to understand Grandma. She got me hooked on The Golden Girls, too. My mother didn’t want me to watch the show, but Grandma would sneak me into the living room anyway. Good times.

So, the other night I turned on the channel and Dawson said, “Grandma’s on T.V.!”

He jumped off the couch and started dancing with his yellow balloon to the theme song of Mama’s Family. I couldn’t stop laughing.

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August 30, 2007

“Sick-Up”

So, it’s Day 6 of “The Virus Overtaking My Body”.  I’m feeling fifteen percent better, but my head feels like it’s stuck in a vice, my chest is congested, my nose won’t stop running and I’ve tried 5 different decongestants, a cough syrup and a generic Sudafed that couldn’t dry up a tear drop, let alone my nose.

I’m back at work today.  Actually, I went back yesterday only to leave a few hours early because I was utterly exhausted after being awake for a straight 7 hours.  It’s a miracle I’m not on my death bed, the way I feel.

Dawson is back to healthy again.  It’s making me mad.  Not that I want him to be sick, I just wish he wasn’t so full of energy when I’m drained of every ounce of mine.

Doug has discovered he didn’t really have a cold, probably just a bad allergy attack after mowing the lawn, and my neighbor told me to consume loads of Vitamin C and take some Zinc, especially in middle of my menstrual cycle because that’s when a woman’s body is more susceptible to  a cold.  Go figure.  My period ended two days before this virus attacked me so this would be mid-cycle.

My neighbor is a retired nurse and she loves to fill my head with random facts like this.  Once she told me to take a swig of cough syrup when I’m ovulating because it thins the cervical mucus which can aid in conception.  Well if this cold lasts until September 5th, (Dear God, I hope not!) then I can continue taking cough syrup and I’ll have no problem getting pregnant.

I currently have the hiccups as I type (hiccup) this, and they (hiccup) hurt.  It (hiccup….hiccup) sucks.

No, I’m not drunk.  I’m (hiccup) starting to wish I (hiccup) were.  Anything to (hiccup) take the head cold (hiccup) pain away.

Okay.  I have to stop (hiccup) writing.  Until these (hiccup) you-know-what go away.

August 28, 2007

Sick Day

Everyone in my house is sick.  Dawson brought home a terrible cold virus and Saturday night I started feeling sick.  I slept all day on Sunday.  I tried to go to work yesterday but left after only three hours.  Today I could barely get out of bed without feeling like an arthritic elderly woman.

Doug is miserable, he got his share of this disease yesterday.  We’re all coughing, hacking, honking like geese and we’ve gone through nearly 3 boxes of tissues.

And Dawson?  Well he had his bad days on Thursday and Friday.  So just as he’s starting to feel better, Doug and I feel like jumping out the window.  I told him I want to go first.  This is how sick we are.

And so, while we’re recovering, here’s a photo of Dawson.  Isn’t he cute:

I decided not to take him to a studio for his 3-year-old portraits.  I’m just going to take them myself.  This is one of the photos that’s in the running.

Along with this one:

Okay…I’m going back to bed.  I hope everyone is healthier than me and my family!

August 27, 2007

Before and After Photos

Here I am before I turned into a cartoon:

And here I am with sallow skin, Simpsonized:

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Not bad…I don’t really look any different!

August 24, 2007

Flirty Ford Focus To Enter Rehab

Dear Frances,

I’m starting to worry about you. You’re out all night, drinking heavily with that sexy, red Mustang (who happens to be named Reddy) across the street, and then the next day you wake up with hot pipes and drink nearly ten gallons of gasoline. I’m starting to go broke supporting your habit!

Do you remember the time I let you sleep in the garage because it was raining something fierce and you complained your tires would get soaked? And the next morning as we back out of the garage, you were so excited to see Reddy that you slammed into the door frame and broke your side view mirror? The cast made of duct tape still hasn’t come off, and frankly I’m too scared to take you to the Car Wizard to fix it. Until that Mustang moves away, I fear you’ll forever be a klutz.

And what about the time you and I were driving home from a job interview! You were flirting with that big dump truck and he whistled at you and a rock flew out of his mouth. Your windshield doesn’t look the same with a huge crack across the top. That conversion van who parks next door was gossiping about you and I think he called you a slut. But don’t get any ideas, like crashing into him in the middle of the night.

And then there was the time you were hung over after a long night of drinking Premium Unleaded. We were driving in the dark and I tried to put your high beams on, and they got stuck! Or so you say they got stuck. I think you just like flashing the oncoming Envoys and Escalades.

I just don’t know what’s gotten into you, Fran. But if this awful drunken habit continues, I may have to admit you to Rehab.

I know you’ll say, “No! No! No!”, but I hear Lindsay Lincoln, Paris Porsche, and Britney Beamer have all completed the program.

And I was told that the Betty Ford Focus Rehabilitation Clinic is one of the finest in the country.

Love,

Your Faithful Driver

P.S. If you don’t tune up your act, I’m gonna have to Ask Patty what to do. I’m sure she has great advice!

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