July 11, 2007
Death Is On My Mind
After attending my friend’s funeral I began to ponder my own mortality and that of my husband. It isn’t something I really thought about before.
It’s not that I think I won’t die, someday, it’s just that the thought of leaving this world before I’m ready terrifies me. I cannot imagine leaving my son, my little boy, to grow up without his mother.
At the visitation, or wake, it broke my heart to see Aaron’s six-year-old son hugging his mother and asking, “When will Daddy come back? Why can’t I see him when I wake up tomorrow?”
The tears started flowing and didn’t stop. I started to think terrible thoughts about dying and began to worry about my husband dying unexpectedly.
What would I tell my son? How would I explain death to him? Sure, I could ask him to remember the movie Bambi and how his mother died, but a movie and life are very different.
How would I survive without Doug? I don’t think I’d make it as a single mother. I don’t think I would be able to afford our home or to pay for Dawson to go to college.
When I got home I asked Doug about wills and funeral plots and life insurance and any other thing that came to mind.
The poor man looked frightened, as though he thought I was going to kill him. I had to explain my fears and his response was, “We’ll worry about all that in a couple years.”
“But what if I die tomorrow? What if YOU die tomorrow?” I asked. “What will we do then?”
The blank look on his face told me he had never thought about death or he chose not to think about it.
I know I can’t live in fear, because someday (hopefully when I’m 85) I’ll be gone. But isn’t it smart to have some sort of plan. Something to prepare ourselves for the what-ifs?
The more I dwell on this, the more depressed I become. Yesterday, all I wanted to do was hug my baby and keep him close to me.
I know this is irrational, but God help me, I’m a woman. I get that way.
Am I overreacting? Am I worrying about something out of my control?
I think I need to lay down. I feel sick.
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July 11th, 2007 at 3:29 pm, ~JJ! Says:
All of your questions are mine too…I understand. All of what you have written!!!
hugs.
July 11th, 2007 at 3:34 pm, yoshi Says:
I don’t think you’re overreacting. everything you are wondering about and want to plan for are very valid things.
I get that way too. Actually oddly enough another blogger, Dizzy was talking about this and wondered about her blog and how would any of us readers know?
You just have to come up with a plan, stick to it, then never worry about it again. As long as your plan is solid it should be fine.
July 12th, 2007 at 7:37 am, jenn in holland Says:
It’s not irrational Dana, it’s completely understandable. Give yourself lots of space to breathe and grieve.
And yes, think about the eventualities and plan for them, but try not to overthink them, you know?
Blessings on wing.
July 12th, 2007 at 7:54 am, Cheryl Says:
My heart is with you on this one. It’s something I worry about too every once in a while… and I know it’s something my husband has worried about as well. I think it’s normal to have your thoughts turned to stuff like this. When my dad was in his crisis/ICU/cancer stage a couple of years ago, all of my siblings discussed living wills, funerals, insurance, etc. Sure, it’s not something we like to think about while we’re still so young, but it’s worth planning out and then letting it go. “What ifs” are horrible to contemplate, but they serve a purpose. Love you sweetie.
July 12th, 2007 at 12:54 pm, Violet the Verbose Says:
Hey Dana, I’ve finally been catching up with you on your blog again and my goodness! Happy belated birthday to Doug, for one thing. Next, I am so sorry to hear about your friend Aaron’s death. It is so shocking when people die young and like you I cannot imagine what his wife and kids must be going through. We have a friend whose dad died when he was 10, and that affects him to this day.
After reading this post I had to go upstairs and settle the sick & teething baby and while laying there in the dark I completely freaked myself out thinking about leaving my children motherless if I should die young (something I also worry about sometimes), thinking about how I keep wondering where the bruises came from on my arms and then going one step further and wigging out because my mom told me a story about a young man who went to her church who was working, getting married soon, etc. and started to notice bruises on himself. He eventually went to see the doctor about it, was diagnosed with leukemia, and died just a couple months later. I know a few other folks who have suddenly found out as adults that they have leukemia too, so it sort of freaks me out anyway.
Later I rememebered that I carried about five heavy moving boxes upstairs last week… I hope that’s where the bruises came from.
I hope that you are feeling better today. Your post reminded me that we, too, really need to write our living trust and set up college accounts for our girls. Eep!
July 12th, 2007 at 3:54 pm, Stefanie Says:
Don’t mean to be giving advice if you don’t really want it…but…you should absolutely have life insurance!! Like today! It’s very simple to get - call a broker and they will get you the best rate. The company takes care of everything. They send a doctor to your house to take a few basic tests and then after they process it, the company will give you a price. I’m sure you can get very reasonable insurance. Death is a fact of life and there’s no reason you should ever have to lose your house or not be able to take care of your child due to your husband passing away. Also, living wills can be done online with special software. Just google it. It’s totally cheap and will make sure everything is accounted for. Do it today!
July 13th, 2007 at 10:03 am, Leslie Says:
This is something I think about, too. For the past two years, Dave and I have been saying that we need to draft our wills (but we have yet to do it).
You aren’t overreacting. You’ve suffered a loss; you need to grieve and this is a part of it. Give yourself some time.
July 13th, 2007 at 5:57 pm, Nancy Says:
We got all of this settled before my oldest daughter was born — but the reason is that I was 6 months pregnant and in DC on 9/11, and so I couldn’t NOT think about it. My husband and I drew up our wills and appointed guardians for our baby-to-be and future children.
So no, I don’t think you are overreacting. It’s easy and normal to put it off (because it’s SO SCARY to think about death), but it’s definitely a relief when you get it all figured out and formalized.
July 17th, 2007 at 9:31 pm, amanda Says:
Any one of us could die tomorrow. Death is a normal part of life. You’re doing the right thing to prepare your family for your departure.