July 31, 2007

We Interrupt This Blog…

…to bring you The Best of BlogHer 2007 Awards. 

The Mominatrix herself graciously awarded me as the Most Unlikely Blogger to Share a Sex Story that Involved Dildos.  You can hear all about it here.

Yes, tis true.  I conceived the Doodlebug (with help from my husband of course) after a night of good vibrations with the Blue Dolphin and the Matador.

(Please dear God, do not let my mother read this.  And if a certain 16-year-old brother is reading this blog today, so help me I’ll kick your butt if you tell Mom.  The last thing I need is a Catholic-girls-don’t-use-vibes talk, mmmkay?)

And so, Mom-101 requested an acceptance speech (I’m assuming because of this?).  Here goes:

I’d like to thank the Academy (most notably Mominatrix, The Hottie Who Had Sex with Danny Bonaduce, The Queen and Her Bad Mother) for all I’ve learned about hot and sweaty sex.

I’ve discovered that Good Girls Have Pubes, a vacuum can get you off, not to use KY that sounds like a douche product (and slippy-slidey sex is best!), I really need to get the Cone, and it’s okay to let your inner super-freak out once in awhile.

And so, as I stand before you all on this awards ceremony stage, holding this Glass Phallus Statuette, I must give credit to the women who have shown me that Catholic conservatives can be raunchy in the bedroom and it doesn’t have to be for the sake of the procreation of this already over-crowded planet.

Because I’m so thrilled to receive this honor, I promise to give back to the community by donating my time to teaching other shy Catholics how to use whips and handcuffs.

Holy shit.  Was that lightning that flashed next to my head?

BlogHer Adventures Part II: Coffee Equals Narcotics

After all I went through at the Green Bay Greyhound depot, one would think the rest of my trip would be problem-free. 

Not.  The.  Case.

When I arrived in Milwaukee, we had to get off the bus for twenty minutes and the Milwaukee security guards had to check our carry on bags for “unsafe items” and other things.

When the security guard checking my bag found the delicious coffee I was bringing along to give to my friend Mocha, he asked me what it was.

“It’s coffee, sir.  I’m giving it as a gift to a friend in Chicago.”

“When did you buy it?”

“Wednesday evening.”

“No, I said where did you buy it?”

“Oh, sorry, I bought it at Emy J’s in Stevens Point.”

“Steve Point?  Where’s that?  That even in Wisconsin?”

“Yes, Stevens Point is in Wisconsin.”

“You got anything metal in your bags?”

“Other than my curling iron and car keys?  No.”

“How do I know you don’t got narcotics in this ‘coffee’?”

Now I was angry.  First I’m dicked around by Mike the Monkey and now Stanley Security thinks I’m a drug dealer.

“Sir, do I even look smart enough to put cocaine inside a package of coffee?”

This must have been the wrong thing to say to a security guard (who had the words “off-duty police” embroidered on the sleeve of his uniform). 

He opened the sealed package and dumped the entire contents, all those precious beans, into the garbage.  I was sick.   Such a waste!  Such a crime!  Mocha would have killed him.

After it was over, I got no apology, and instead Stanley Security went on to the next “suspect”.

I began to have a mini nervous breakdown and thought I was never getting to BlogHer!  But the second I got to the Chicago greyhound station I hailed a cab and high-tailed it out of there before I was frisked for the knife in my bra.

Anyone want to take a guess at how exhausted, nervous, angry and frustrated I was after this? Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post on pre-conference fun!

July 30, 2007

BlogHer Adventures Part I: Monkeys and Buses

I spent Wednesday evening getting all my last minute tasks for BlogHer completed.  I tried to go to bed early because I chose to take a Greyhound bus to get to Chicago and my departure from Green Bay (an hour and forty-five minutes from my house) was scheduled for 5:40 a.m.   Also known as the ass crack of dawn or insanity in the making.

I set my alarm clock for one o’clock in the morning so that I could gas up, grap some coffee and hit the road.  Greyhound advised me to arrive at the station no later than an hour for my departure.  My internal alarm clock went off at 12:30 a.m.  I loaded my luggage into my car, had a hardboiled egg for breakfast, and kissed my husband and my Doodlebug (they were fast asleep) and hit the road.

Halfway to Green Bay I got caught in an awful thunderstorm, with lightning, thunder and hard rains that even the fastest setting on the windshield wipers couldn’t handle.  I was terrified.  I love T-storms but I hate driving in them.  I have this irrational fear of lightning striking the car and causing a terrible accident.

I got to the bus depot at 4 a.m.  and waited patiently for the bus to arrive.  At 5:40 the bus was not there.  At 6:15, I began to worry.  Did I fall asleep in the car and not realize it?  No.  I was awake.  It may have been dark in the wee hours of the morning, but I had the radio on and I was watching for that bus.

At 6:45 I was getting angry.  The bus depot didn’t open until 7:30 and there was no one to ask about late buses.  I didn’t know which phone number to call for information.

When the depot attendant finally arrived I went in to ask about the delay.  The man working was the same one I met when I picked up my bus tickets over a week ago. 

“Sir, the 5:40 bus never showed up.  Can you please check the status of this?”

“Lemme see your tickets.” he replied.

I handed him my tickets and he scanned them over.

“This isn’t a Greyhound this is an Indian Trails bus.  I can’t help you with this.”

“Excuse me?  I bought these tickets online at the Greyhound website.  I picked them up last Saturday with you and you never mentioned this wasn’t a Greyhound.”

“There’s nothing I can do.  It’s not Greyhound.”

At this point, I was hot.  I was madder than a hornet.  I felt my cheeks getting red.  I was now two hours late for my trip and I was going to miss my connection in Milwaukee.

“Sir, I paid for a Greyhound ticket and I didn’t get what your company sold me.  What are you going to do for me?”

“Tickets are non-refundable.”

“No.  NO.  You did NOT just say that to me.  I expect a full refund AND I need to know when the next bus departs because you’re going to fix my tickets.”

The guy, who I found out later is named Mike, looked at me with a blank yet sassy expression as though I had no right to demand anything of him or the company he worked for. 

“Fine, I’ll refund your credit card the $58.00.”

“Great, but I still need a new ticket for the next bus.”

He reluctantly agreed to correct the ticket, but told me he needed to call the Indian Trails bus line and find out why the bus didn’t show up.  He insinuated that I missed the bus and it was my fault.  As I listened to him speak to the person on the other end of the line, Mike said into the phone, “He just didn’t show up?  Okay.”

After he hung up and changed my ticket he gave me a long spiel in a very rude tone about buses breaking down all the time and it’s not his problem.  I hit the roof.

“Sir, you just repeated that the driver didn’t show up.”

“Ma’am, it’s and Indian Trails bus, I’m not going to say it again.”

At this point I was so mad I started to tear up.  This happens whenever I’m angry.

“I don’t care if it’s a Happy Trails bus.  I bought tickets with Greyhound, I didn’t get what I paid for, and you’ll need to yell at whoever you need to for this fuck up.”

When Mike gave me my new tickets, he failed to give me the refund receipt for the credit he promised.  When I confronted him, he completely denied, TO MY FACE, that he said he was giving me a refund.  He then told me that he just changed the new tickets because they are non-refundable.

The other passengers waiting for the 8 a.m. bus had heard the entire exchange.  One woman stood up and told me that what Mike was doing to me was wrong.  I asked for the manager.

“I’m it,” he said.

“I want the number for your supervisor.”

“Lady, there ain’t nothing they are gonna do for you, the ticket is non-refundable.”

He gave me the number for Greyhound’s accounting/refund department and said sarcastically, “Good luck.”

Since I was already late to Chicago, and missing the White Sox game with Deb, I didn’t feel like fighting anymore.  I took the number and said, “Thanks for nothing, you ape.”

(An aside:  This guy looked like he belonged on Planet of the Apes.  I so wish I had a camera phone just to post his photo here.  I also wish I’d have given him my business card and told him I was blogging this.  And, I know I stooped to his level but at least I didn’t call him a fucktard like I wanted to.)

When the 8 a.m. bus finally arrived, I got on board and tried to relax.  Soon I would be in Chicago enjoying the company of smart women who would give great advice on how to deal with beligerent Greyhound attendants.

That is until I got to Milwaukee.  Did you know you can’t take coffee on a Greyhound?

See what happens tomorrow in Dana’s BlogHer Adventures…

July 28, 2007

BlogHer: Day Two

It’s Saturday morning and I can’t begin to tell you how exhausted I am.  Even though I went to bed early last night, I still feel like I’ve been ran over by a truck.

I’m still having an excellent time.  I’ve attended several sessions and learned so much.  Yesterday’s session The State of the Momosphere was productive and a great way to see how other Mommy Bloggers feel about blogging, advertising on blogs and privacy when blogging.  I’ve got some thoughts jumbling in my brain that I hope to blog later.

The cocktail parties have been so much fun, but remind me not to drink too much tonight.  The headaches each morning have kicked my ass.

My roommates are a ton of fun and the Navy Pier is gorgeous.  It’s in my plans to take some more photos tonight.  Head over to flickr to see pics from yesterday and this morning!

July 27, 2007

I’m Here and It’s Amazing

I know I haven’t blogged yet, but I arrived in Chicago yesterday at about 2 p.m. There was a gigantic fuck-up with the Greyhound bus not arriving on time, so I missed attending the White Sox game with another BlogHer CE.

I attended so many cocktail parties and have met so many people. It’s absolutely overwhelming and wonderful and exciting wrapped up in a bow!

Flickr photos here.

Conference is beginning!