June 13, 2007
Showered with Questions
Sunday, I attended a baby shower for my high school friend.
Her first child is due in mid-July. It was very nice to see my friend, her parents and her sister again, as well as several other friends and acquaintances.
Doug had to work and my parents were busy so I had to bring Dawson along to the party. I must admit that he was well behaved most of the time. When they brought out the cake but did not cut it right away, Dawson had fit. He just didn’t understand that he had to wait.
A few other mothers and I exchanged the routine child stats. You know, how old is your child, what’s his favorite TV show, do you have any other children, any plans to have anymore, etc.
I always try to avoid these questions because I feel as though I’m being compared or graded.
I always say the usual blurb, “He’ll be three in September, he loves Blues Clues and Dora, he’s my only child and no plans for another just yet.”
The looks on their faces were priceless, and I found some of the responses very funny. For example:
“You mean he’s three years old and you aren’t having any more?”
“Wow. Three? If you have another they’ll be so far apart!”
“Oh, my daughters love Blue’s Room. They’re two years apart, that’s how I wanted it. Close in age so that I can enjoy my life when they’re off to college.”
“You should really think about trying for a baby now. You don’t want your kids too far apart, they’ll grow up to hate each other.”
“Does your husband want anymore kids? Did you decide on just one from the beginning?”
“You should try for a girl. A boy and a girl are the perfect fit for any family.”
“My daughter is nearly 8 years old and I’m due at the end of the month. I wish I’d have had another child a lot earlier.”
At the end of the party my head was spinning. All the unwanted advice, all the judgment.
Thankfully, I just smiled and nodded and ignored all the stuff I didn’t care to hear. I was actually very proud of myself for being able to tune out the “shoulds”.
When did it become such a bad thing to have children 3-4 years apart? My brother and I are four years apart, we fought like crazy because we were siblings. I don’t know any sisters and brothers who do not argue.
Since when is it mandatory to have a boy and a girl because it’s the “perfect family”? That’s offensive to parents with two daughters or two sons.
And if I have three kids, will I be considered crazy because two is ideal these days?
I have to laugh. It really is funny.
Doug and I made the decision to start trying in August. We thought it would be nice to enjoy our summer and take Dawson on as many mini-vacations as possible. We’ve got a full summer planned and lots of fun things to do.
Granted, I wanted to have a baby a lot earlier, but the timing was never quite right. Our lives are busy. I’ve only been at my new job for six months. We just finished paying off our medical bills and my car will be paid off at the end of the year. For once, the timing is appropriate.
As I was bombarded with questions and remarks, I began to wonder where people get the idea that it’s okay to impose their opinions on others.
Perhaps it’s just a way to make conversation or to ease the awkward silence between people we just met by the cheese & sausage tray.
I suppose I could have just told people, “We plan to try this fall, we do want more kids, we just wanted to enjoy our summer with Dawson before bringing a new baby into our lives….”
I felt it was more important to focus on my friend’s happiness. People love to give advice, heck I’m one of those people. The only difference is, I wait until I’m asked.
I’m surprised they weren’t asking the Mommy-to-Be when she plans to have her next baby!
“It’s never to early to plan the next one!” one woman told me.
Seriously? Do people do this? Are there woman out there who plan their babies on a calendar?
I can hear it now.
“It’s June, our daughter is 9 months old. If I get pregnant now our kids will be 18 months apart. I’ll mark March on the calendar for baby #2. Baby #3 should arrive in late 2009 and then we’ll be set. What do you think, honey? Does this schedule work for you?”
I’m not organized enough for that. Count me out.
Posted by Dana @ 7:58 AM • I Often Wonder
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June 13th, 2007 at 11:15 AM, Leslie Says:
Since my miscarriage, I’ve found questions like this a little harder to deal with. What do I say? Usually, I just make a joke and say, “Well, we’re waiting for Julia to be old enough to raise the second one. I’m a little tired.” Or something about getting it right the first time and not needing to try again. Deep inside, it hurts though. I want another baby. I wish I could plan it. The fact is, there may never be a second child in our family. I realize that people don’t mean any harm by asking, but now that I’m in this situation, I’m much more careful about what I say in regard to family planning.
June 13th, 2007 at 11:25 AM, Dana Says:
Leslie, I hear you loud and clear. I feel the same way. I have had fertility troubles for years. It took me three years to get pregnant with Dawson, and I suffered a miscarriage when he was a little under a year old.
It’s devastating and hard to answer questions and people just don’t understand. And I’m not the type of person who wants to blurt out my whole fertility history.
Hang in there sweetie. You’re in my thoughts!
June 13th, 2007 at 1:32 PM, Colleen Says:
Those same people probably make comments about people who can’t afford to have multiple children and still do and yet, aside from the tragedy of a miscarriage (and I truly am sorry for that), you have tried to be realistic about when a good time to have another child would be. My son is 9 and my daughter is 3 and it’s awesome the way it’s worked out. He loves her, she worships him and the age difference makes it so much easier because I ony had to keep a vigilant eye on one toddler at a time. Plus? Yes, he’s a HUGE help to me.
June 13th, 2007 at 1:42 PM, Debbie Says:
It blows me away that people actually ask these questions…out loud. I have a hard enough time asking a semi-friend if they’re going to have any more kids, let alone a stranger and more personal questions. My family has made comments to us about when the next one will arrive, and I just laugh it off. I actually am a planner, and thankfully, the last two have worked out. Will it definitely happen next time? No, but at least I can try!
I’m glad that you were able to ignore the comments and stay secure in your decision!
June 13th, 2007 at 2:01 PM, Dana Says:
Colleen, thanks for the good advice. I think it’s adorable when I see the parents with two kids close in age, but yet I wonder how they parent without going a little crazy.
I’m kind of happy to have Dawson on the verge of potty training before getting pregnant. I don’t know if I could handle two children in diapers at the same time.
Debbie, isn’t it amazing what people say without thinking? It always makes me want to ask uncomfortable questions right back to them. Thing is I’m not bold enough to overstep those boundaries!
June 13th, 2007 at 2:30 PM, Nadine Says:
OMG. How rude is that! People clearly don’t think before they open their mouths.
I actually know a woman who waited 9 months after giving birth. She is very much like the woman you described at the end of your post.
June 13th, 2007 at 2:36 PM, Dana Says:
Nadine! Serious? There really is a woman out there like this! Man oh man!
June 13th, 2007 at 3:46 PM, Violet the Verbose Says:
GAH. It took us 21 months to get pregnant with Sweet Pea and I was in tears plenty of months when my period started. I could not believe the advice I would get as a childless married woman. People would ask if I wanted children and when I responded “yes,” they would say, “well you’d better get going,” the insinuation being, “you’re not getting any younger.” Some people really don’t think before they speak. I never did tell any of them how many months we had been trying, but I guess it would have shut them up. But once they bombard you with that sort of unasked for advice, you really don’t want to offer them any personal details.
June 13th, 2007 at 8:15 PM, Dana Says:
Caroline, I know how you feel. Sometimes people can be very insensitive and they may not realize it, but it still hurts.
June 14th, 2007 at 7:48 AM, Cheryl Says:
I get mad when I hear people ask questions like that for the simple reason that some people can’t plan out their families so precisely because of fertility issues. As a pissy pregnant woman, I’d butt into the conversation for you and say, “Wow… you’re right. How about you come to Dana and Doug’s house tonight and give them pointers on the best positions for conception… OR… you could mind your own business.”
June 14th, 2007 at 8:16 AM, dana Says:
Cheryl! haha! that’s the best! I love it!
You rock!
June 14th, 2007 at 8:59 AM, Daisy Says:
Mine are 5 years apart. There is no perfect “spread”, despite what the pop psych people say. Hang on, mama, and keep tuning out those “shoulds”. “Shoulds”, as I’ve said before, are bogus.
June 14th, 2007 at 9:46 AM, Carla Stream Says:
Plan away but babies come exactly the right moment they are supposed to. After two miscarriages before and between the four I now have-I keep my yap shut! Mine are all 2-3 years apart and people are so happy for me that I “planned” it right. HA! I used to get offended when people would ask if we were “trying.” Then I just started saying, “Um, yes I am having sex with my husband as many times a day as we can-thanks for asking!”
June 14th, 2007 at 1:50 PM, Dana Says:
Daisy, I agree, shoulds are bogus!
Carla, you are funny! That’s a good answer. I will have to remember that one next time!