June 12, 2007
Jumping the Hurdle
Several posts ago, I described my struggles with depressing thoughts and the expectations I feel are put upon me, by others and myself.
I received excellent feedback and began to really think about where this idea that I have to be perfect derived from.
I started to reflect on my school years. I was never a brilliant student. I had classes I disliked and struggled with (Biology, Physics) and classes I always aced (English, History, Creative Writing, French, Business, Geometry and Psychology).
As the daughter of a former teacher, I got an early start to learning. My mother spent countless hours teaching me to read and write before kindergarten, and she loved her flashcards. I was a mini-mathematician and novelist by second grade.
There was always this silent expectation to do better than my peers, and to make my parents (read: mother) proud. My mother comes from a family of teachers. My grandmother was a teacher, and three of her daughters became teachers. It was expected that I’d become a teacher and for many years I contemplated the idea.
As the school years went by, I began to resent my mother’s expectations of me. I always felt this constant push-pull feeling. I’d strive to succeed, but at the same time purposely tried to slack a bit; just to prove to myself that I was in control and not my parents. It’s a crazy mentality and I realize this now, years later.
I never got terrible grades, but I didn’t always bring home straight A’s. There were several B’s and a few C’s on that report card and I even got my first F in Biology because I refused to dissect worms and frogs. The disappointment on my parents’ faces was enough to make me feel terrible about myself. I never wanted to feel that way again.
So when I started college, I chose a major that made my parents happy, even though that choice didn’t necessarily suit me. It’s no surprise that I switched emphasis 4 times and eventually dropped out after 3 years. Again, my parents were angry and disappointed.
My wedding was the one thing I had control over, and the one thing my parents approved of. I chose a Polish-style wedding reception because I loved the tradition I grew up with. They were so happy and for once, I felt like earned their approval.
Fast forward to my pregnancy and all the expectations I “thought” I had to meet. Whether it was regarding my pregnancy diet, weight gain, etc.; I always thought my mother was pressuring me to do things the same way she did.
After Dawson was born, I felt like her attempts to give advice were instead little bouts of constant nagging.
My mother would say things like: Is he eating enough? Is he warm enough? When I had you, I did this… You should try this…. Why don’t you try that?
I always felt those “silent” expectations. I always felt the need to please and yet wanted to fight that urge. I wanted to do things my way and at the same time do things perfectly; to please my mother, to shut her up and to show her up.
And then I realized there is no A+ when it comes to motherhood. There is no amount of studying one can do to ace that test. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. I don’t have to please my mother. I have to please myself. “Good enough” is good enough.
All the underlying pressure dissipates when I do things my own way.
I’ve learned, and I’m still learning, how to tune out all the outside advice. It still irritates me, but smiling, nodding and ignoring work wonders. In one ear and out the other, my grandmother once told me. Practice makes near-perfect.
It may have taken me 4 years to figure this out, but it’s better late than never. I’ll just consider it a new age college education. In the school of motherhood, passing satisfactorily is so much better than failing miserably.
But also, I can’t be afraid of failure if I want to be successful. I will never know what is right for me when it comes to parenting if I never make mistakes. Mistakes are the lessons we learn. I’ve learned many lessons and I’m still discoverig the methods that work best.
I’m learning the ropes to parenthood as I go. With each day that passes, I realize the kind of mother I am and the kind of mother I want to be. I know I’m doing a good job as Dawson’s mom and that’s all that really counts.
Posted by Dana @ 6:39 am • Confessions
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June 12th, 2007 at 7:38 am, Debbie Says:
My mother is the same way. I never felt like what I did was ever good enough. And she still continues on with the parenting things. She makes fun of things that try to do (like keep the kids clean) and tries to give me 27 year old advice (which of course has been proven to be wrong in the last 27 years). I don’t know what happened, but having kids gave me self-confidence, and I’m no longer afraid to tell her “no” or to worry that I’m not meeting her expectations.
June 12th, 2007 at 7:59 am, Cheryl Says:
Works for me. Luckily, my parents don’t nag their adult children about choices. As long as we’re contentedly employed and not living on welfare, they’re happy. In school, as long as they could tell that we were interested in our school work and tried hard, the grades themselves didn’t really matter.
Where I fail my mother? I’m not a born-again Christian. Neither are any of her kids, and that upsets her a great deal. We used to get preachy lectures about it about once a month, but she’s mellowed a bit and now it’s usually once a year. I hate to disappoint her, but I have to be my own person and I’m not going to adhere to a faith simply because my mommy told me to. So it’s my job now to prove to her that I’m still a good person and that I can raise polite, loving children.
June 12th, 2007 at 10:26 am, Leslie Says:
It’s true - the person you need to please first is yourself. There will always be someone out there that will disapprove of what you do and some people are never pleased.
The best mother for your child is you. I have to remind myself of that when I get overloaded with advice or perceive that someone else is more equipped for this parenting thing than me.
June 12th, 2007 at 5:47 pm, Dana Says:
Debbie, it’s amazing how much we despise our own mother’s attempts at parenting us in adulthood — I hope I don’t become as bad in the nagging dept. when my kids are older!
Cheryl, I can only imagine the way your mom talks about religion. My parents never really nagged about that. Everything else? Yes.
Leslie, thanks for the good advice! I am the best mother for Dawson!
June 12th, 2007 at 8:05 pm, Nancy Says:
I think the silent expectations from my parents were one of the factors in me becoming such a perfectionist (although my mom says it was really innate from the beginning — like when I learned to write and I took so long to scribe even one letter because I didn’t want to make a mistake.)
But, like you, I’m trying to give myself a little more leeway with motherhood. There is no 100% solution, it’s not possible to be perfect, and I really do better when I don’t push myself too hard or try to live up to others’ expectations.
And thanks for reminding me.