May 31, 2007
The Hurdle
I’m exhausted. Tired. Depressed. Ready to crawl into bed and sleep for days.
I barely get any rest these days. I have no energy. It’s a miracle I managed to organize some areas of my house last weekend.
I feel like I’m expected to go, go, go, nonstop; and I have to be perfect, because people look up to perfection.
- Do this, do that, be here, be there.
- Clean the house, weed the flower beds, do laundry, argue with my husband about not doing the laundry.
- Get frustrated with Dawson when he leaves his toys all over the place, then feel guilty for feeling frustrated with Dawson.
- Resent my husband because he can take off on a whim, no guilt, and I’m jealous.
- Go grocery shopping, stick to the budget, pay the bills, argue with cable company about unnecessary charges.
- Go to church, volunteer my time to charity organizations even though I’m swamped at home. Feel guilty for missing church because I am so damn tired and stressed. Realize that church is the only quiet place I can go to reflect and pray and think.
- Always keep a smile on my face, even when difficult, because it’s not good to show people your weaknesses, they’ll hold them against you.
- Worry about my son; is he eating enough, is he well-rounded, is he smart, is he too skinny, but then feel stupid for worrying and try to stop. Then feel worse for not worrying enough.
- Don’t tell my husband how I’m feeling because he may think I’m nuts or he won’t understand. He doesn’t get that I’m overburdened and I’m not supposed to tell him because I’m Super Mom and I wanted this life, so now I have to be the alpha parent and deal with it.
- Cry about things that I can’t explain. Cry about people having babies. Cry about the dog and whether he’s loved enough. Cry about the future and what it will bring. Cry about my friends, and worry about whether or not they’re happy. Cry about things that are so stupid it makes you cry even more.
Sometimes I have these moments of depression and I can’t explain them. I always manage to climb my way out of the chaos, but I worry about the next episode.
The funny thing is, I’ve tried the anti-depressants. It just made me more out of synch. My doctor doesn’t think I need the drugs because the things I worry about are normal. Most mothers experience these feelings. Normal. Hah.
“It’s how you choose to handle what’s thrown your way,” he said.
I’m feeling like a crazy person, but I know I’m not crazy. Crazy people don’t sit around and wonder if they are crazy, they just are.
My stomach is churning. I might be hungry, but the thought of food is nauseating.
I’m….
I don’t know.
And, Erin. Dear sweet Erin is experiencing some of this. I want to reach out and hug her. I want to tell her that she’ll get past this. And she will. But she doesn’t need me to tell her that. She knows. It’s just a bit cloudy when you stop the medication. It’s a hurdle. I’ve tripped on the hurdle so many times. One day I will jump it. Just not today. Maybe not tomorrow. Or next week. But when the day comes, I’ll know. I will know.
Posted by Dana @ 9:01 am • Confessions, Uncategorized
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May 31st, 2007 at 11:18 am, Karen Says:
Questions for you to ponder:
1. Why do you have to have people look up to you?
2. Why can’t you take off on a whim?
3. Why does the garden have to be weeded, house cleaned? Take a day off.
4. Dawson is able to clean up his own toys.
5. Who is holding your weaknesses against you? Why are they important to you?
6. Why do you have to volunteer?
7. Why do you have to keep this from your teammate? Your reasons mean you aren’t communicating enough with him.
Dana, darling…question your perception of society’s standards, question your ideas of what other people’s reactions might be. Chances are, you’ll find most people feel the same way you do.
And? Read this: http://www.troll-baby.com/2006/08/28/selfish/
Love,
Karen
xoxo
May 31st, 2007 at 11:38 am, Dana Says:
Oh Karen, those are just some of the thoughts I experience — I’m not saying these thoughts are how I feel every day. I’m not saying they are right or wrong.
I was just showing what I go through. I deal with each situation when it occurs. I find a way to overcome the problems and fears. But I know it’s okay to say it’s tough and I don’t always get over the hump like I want to. Sometimes it takes time.
I know my perceptions and realities are not the same.
Thanks for the feedback.
May 31st, 2007 at 12:25 pm, Elizabeth Says:
Dana my friend, I apologize for letting myself get so caught up in my own life that I forgot to stay in touch. I’m sorry you are having this tough time. Call me ANY TIME if you want to talk, or vent, or whatever. If you don’t have my phone number, email me.
xoxo
May 31st, 2007 at 12:47 pm, Suebob Says:
I think people look up to honesty more than they do to perfection. The people who truly love you want you to be happy more than anything. They don’t want Perfect Dana. They want Real Dana, Dana who is doing things that support her and make her well and joyful.
High standards are good, but if they are so high they make you miserable, what good are they? I know plenty of children who have grown up perfectly happy in messy houses, poor houses, houses that don’t look great - as long as there was love and nurturing there. And I know others who grew up in houses that looked perfect from the outside, but they grew up with an empty spot because they were missing out on having a real family because the parents were too busy working, cleaning, shopping and making everything look great.
I just started reading your blog and I can tell that you are a good person, a conscientious person, a smart person. All you need is the courage to treat yourself as well as you deserve to be treated, then everything else will fall into place. Good luck.
May 31st, 2007 at 12:48 pm, TB Says:
Whew! That is a LOT of stuff to worry/think about in one day. No wonder you’re exhausted!
Seriously though, when it comes to perception versus reality, sometimes it’s hard to know the difference when you’re in the middle of it.
My advice, which is really assvice considering I’m a brand new mom and have no reason to tell anyone anything, take care of yourself first. Do what you have to do to make sure that you’re not feeling too overwhelmed. Whether that’s taking some time to yourself while your husband watches Dawson each day, or talking to someone about your feelings (which I highly recommend for moms or anyone really, or lowering your standards for yourself a bit and letting some things slide, or writing it out here if that makes you feel better.
We’ve all been there and I’m pretty sure we’ll all be there again. It’s a part of being a woman and especially a mother in the world today.
Take care of yourself!
May 31st, 2007 at 1:06 pm, Dana Says:
Thanks Suebob and TB, I appreciate your advice.
I remember a time when I felt like I had to do everything better than my mother.
While I’ve been to therapy to overcome this irrational thought, I think it still lingers sometimes.
I know I’ll never be perfect. I know that perfect doesn’t exist. But when you’re emotions and hormones are all over the map, it’s tough to figure out what’s really going on.
I know I’ll need to be mindful of all of these things for the rest of my life. Once I stop making a conscious effort things fall apart.
May 31st, 2007 at 1:10 pm, Dana Says:
I was telling Karen in an e-mail earlier:
I was just showing what I’ve been through and what I sometimes still go through.
I deal with my perceptions and situations as they occur, but I didn’t always do so before.
After I had Dawson I went through a mess of emotions and really thought I was nuts. I thought I was crazy.
I used Lexapro for several months. But it didn’t seem to really help me. I started thinking of myself as two different people: happy, medicated, fake Dana — and slightly neurotic, real, raw Dana. Then I knew I needed to stop the drugs.
I guess I wasn’t very clear in my post.
I do find that putting this out there is good for me. I don’t normally talk about it or blog about it. I’m always afraid to really say this stuff because it’s so personal.
But Suebob is right honesty is best. And I’m trying to be honest about those feelings. My husband is aware, my parents are somewhat aware (but they don’t quite ‘get it’).
I had never told anyone else.
June 1st, 2007 at 8:10 am, Janet a.k.a Wonder Mom Says:
I am so there with you gals.
Hugs.
June 1st, 2007 at 8:16 am, Dana Says:
Elizabeth! I’m okay. It’s just nice to get this off my chest and to listen to other women and their experiences. -hugs tight-
Don’t worry, doll. I’m working on my “issues” every single day. It’s what I do.
Janet, I know. I know! It’s a good thing to just be. Yenno? Thanks for the hugs.
June 1st, 2007 at 6:21 pm, Leslie Says:
Writing about your feelings can be so good for you - and good for all of us. It helps to know you’re not alone.
I’m thinking of you, Dana. You’re going to be okay.
June 12th, 2007 at 8:12 pm, Nancy Says:
Oh, do I hear you… in fact, one of the reasons I’m reading several of your posts at once is because I took an unintended blog reading break. It just got so overwhelming to try and keep up with everything in real life and online. But I realize I really need this time for my own sanity!
((hugs)) to you. Hope you’re feeling better by now.