May 3, 2007
Husbands and Wives: Is there really equality?
On my drive to work this morning, I caught the tail end of a local radio conversation about feminism and marriage.
I don’t know how this conversation began, but I listened intently as the male deejay argued with a female caller about the expectations of men and women in marriage.
It seems the female caller was ranting about men’s demands of their wives. She fumed about how men expect their wives to be patient, kind, understanding, offer blow-jobs willingly and still be modest and good mothers.
She went on to say that this is a new millennium and women should not be pressed to work outside the home if they have children, and that men are responsible for providing the women with a beautiful home, a brand new mini-van and an allowance for nice clothes. The children should have a well-rounded upbringing, great education and all their needs should be met, she said.
I actually pinched myself to make sure I was really driving in my car and hearing these words.
The male radio personality asked this female caller several questions.
“Isn’t the feminist movement about making your own choices? Women have fought for equality in the workplace for years and now you’re saying that once you have children you should no longer have to work? Isn’t this a bit hypocritical? You fight and fight for what you think you want and now you’ve got it and don’t want it any more?”
“What about helping support your husband and family financially? Is that null and void because you’re a woman and men should pay for the mistakes of the 50s and 60s?”
“Because I’m a man, I’m expected to buy my wife a big house, a new car, let her stay at home and I can’t have any expectations for her? If I tell her she can stay home, should she not at least clean the house and do laundry and cook meals for me and our children? I go to work and she does what?”
“And if my wife doesn’t agree with these tasks, and she doesn’t like it, she can divorce me and she keeps the house, the cars and the kids and her new boyfriend can move in and I’m the guy paying for it all? Is that fair?”
“When did our society become so anti-men? Men want to stay home with their children, too. We’d like custody of our kids after divorces. We want these feminists to pay us alimony and child support.”
The woman was bent out of shape. She went on to quote feminists Gloria Steinem and Naomi Wolf.
I found myself thinking that perhaps this man was on the right track. Just a little. Before you get crazy on me, hear me out.
In the 1950’s it was rare for a woman to work. It was rare for a household to have two cars. Women were homemakers and mothers and men were the bread winners.
Images of Leave It to Beaver come to mind. While this show is somewhat too perfect to be real, it’s the reference I think about when discussing the “olden days”.
The 1960’s brought forth the Sexual Revolution and the Women’s Liberation Movement. Women fought for equal rights in government, in the workplace, in choosing when and with whom to have children, and deciding whether or not to get married or to be single.
I often think of the Mary Tyler Moore Show. Mary was a single woman and she didn’t seem to mind. She loved the freedom to do what she pleased and date the men of her liking.
Over the course of forty years, women’s lives have changed. We know what we want and how to get it.
We stand in no man’s shadow. We hold no man in power over us. If we want to have a career we can. If we want to stay home with our children we can. If we want to practice a religion we do. If we choose to be atheist it’s okay.
We hold the power over our lives. We are in control of our futures.
We detest when someone comes along and tells us we can’t do this, we can’t do that, we should do this, we shouldn’t do that. We don’t like to lose our control. We fight for our rights. We stand up for what we believe in, because the many women before us did so, and taught us to never give up the fight.
But in the Women’s Movement, did we somehow alienate the men? Has our society really decided that men are no longer important and women rule the roost? Is this what feminists were fighting for? Instead of equality, we have a shift in power?
Is it now our turn to make the men suffer? Will there, someday, be a men’s movement? Will men fight for the right to stay home with their children while the wives head off to ABC Corporation?
My thoughts about this subject are like a tornado in my brain. I’m surprised I managed to blog them all.
I think back to my friend Joel and the rough divorce he went through. His ex-wife, Mindy, was domineering, manipulative and somewhat hostile. She refused to give up any control in the raising of their daughter Alexa, now 8 years old.
Mindy was a nurse until she became pregnant. Before the baby was born, Mindy agreed to work part-time. Once Alexa arrived Mindy refused to work. While this was her choice, Joel had a rough time making ends meet on his income alone. He had to get a second job.
Ultimately Joel believed Mindy’s change of mind was a breach of the contract they agreed upon and grew upset. Understandably, so. But as their marriage fell apart and divorce grew near, Joel began to see a side of Mindy he never knew.
She insisted on making all decisions about Alexa. Mindy often grew angry and during the divorce demanded alimony in addition to child support and she got it.
Since Joel’s is the sole income and must hold a job to pay child support, he didn’t get custody of Alexa and only sees her every other weekend. Holidays are a fight because Mindy believes she should have their daughter at every holiday gathering.
And so, I wonder: Has our society given men the shit end of the stick?
Sure, we have deadbeat dads in this world. We have fathers who have done nothing when it comes to childrearing, and would sooner sign off paternity rights than help to raise their children and pay child support. Sperm donors, my neighbor once called them.
But what about the wonderful fathers out there who have to fight tooth and nail just to be there for their sons and daughters? What about them?
Do we as women really believe we are entitled to the lifestyles we want just because we are female? Do we feel the world, the patriarch, owes us something? Are we defending a movement that we had almost nothing to do with?
Our mothers fought these injustices. They were the first feminists. Are we just following suit because it is expected of us?
When I look at my own marriage I see the following:
My husband and I both work. Dawson is in daycare four days a week. Doug stays home with him on Tuesdays and I’m home on the weekends.
We compromise in our roles as parents and as husband and wife. We each participate in cleaning the house, yard work and other tasks.
While I am the primary decision maker about Dawson’s health and welfare, Doug is the primary decision maker about our finances.
However, when one of us has input for the other, we make it our duty to listen and come to an agreement before making a decision. Not one of us is more in power than the other. We are equally responsible for our family and our future.
If I were to stay home and Doug were to continue to work, would I really be put off if he expected the house to be clean and dinner to be made? Probably not, simply because I would want to feel like I am contributing to our marriage and family. But do other women feel this way?
The female caller claimed that women have been controlled for years and it’s time for us to stand up and tell men where to go. The male deejay went on to talk about the gripes of women, and made a reference to the “glass ceiling in business”.
He said that this wage war in the workplace, women vs. men, is not nearly as common as the inequality men have when it comes to raising their children. That’s when I began to see his point.
Yes, women are underpaid in the workforce. I agree with that. But I also believe that men are left hanging in the rafters when it comes to fatherhood. I know many men are in the shadows of their wives when parenting.
I know it is difficult for me to let go of the reigns when it comes to parenting. I like to be in charge of Dawson’s well being. In my mind I know that my husband is fully capable of parenting our son and his decision making skills are more than adequate. But it is true that I like to be in control. Is that really so wrong?
The radio guy eventually asked his lady caller if she was married.
“Yes,” she said. “I’m married and my husband knows his place.”
“Not for long,” he replied. “With an attitude like yours, you won’t be married for long.”
Instead of Mommy Wars, we now have the new Gender Wars.
*Updated - I have also cross-posted this at BlogHer.
Posted by Dana @ 8:05 am • Uncategorized
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May 3rd, 2007 at 12:04 pm, Debbie Says:
Times have definitely changed…and I often find myself on the other side of the feminist movement. I work outside the home, and I’m a realist…I know men still make more money than I do, and I know that it is harder for me to climb the corporate ladder than them. So I take it all in strides. I don’t fight battles unless they are truly worth it. At home, hubby and I have a very balanced and respectful relationship. If I want to stay home, fine. If I want to work, fine…it’s my decision. But I’m smart enough to know the consequences of each decision I make. I love my husband for who he is, not how much money he makes. So if his job wouldn’t be able to support us, I would in no way expect him to support our family alone…that’s not fair.
As for the not working part…I truly believe this deejay is a little sexist assuming that watching children all day is not work and that the wife would have the better end of the deal and would still need to “keep up the house.” At least my husband recognizes that watching kids is HARD! So even if I stayed home I’m sure we would still have our cleaning service clean our house because I would be following two little ones around all day!
May 3rd, 2007 at 12:18 pm, dana Says:
Debbie, you are exactly right. He was being a bit sexist, because I find it tough to get any housework done when my son is constantly making a new mess.
But this woman made it sound like women shouldn’t have to do anything if they don’t want to and I was wondering if she was an extreme feminist. I so wish I could have heard the beginning of this conversation so I’d know how it began.
May 3rd, 2007 at 1:05 pm, Laura Says:
It seems to me that if men want to be a part of parenting, they have to step up to do it … just like women have to in the workplace.
Are men getting the “shit end of the stick”? I don’t know. I see men running the governments and the major corporations. If they have the “shit end,” did they give it to themselves?
Just wondering.
May 3rd, 2007 at 1:39 pm, Dana Says:
Laura, that is another excellent point. Men may have created their own problems.
If there are some men out there, who do want to be more involved in their marriages and their children’s lives why aren’t they out there lobbying for better laws for child protection. Or for longer and paid maternity leaves for mothers AND fathers.
It is something to think about. I’m glad you’re wondering like I am.
May 3rd, 2007 at 2:32 pm, Lia Says:
I found this article at BlogHer, and I wanted to congratulate you. Excellent article, and excellent point. I’ve wondered for a long time about the feminist movement. It never seemed to me about feminism; it seemed about achieving rights for women to do what men can do. Nothing about extending that to encompass the entire gamut of rights and roles: do men have equal treatment in what were traditionally women’s rights?
This is a subject that should receive a lot more thought and discussion than it usually does. Thanks.
May 3rd, 2007 at 3:00 pm, dana Says:
Thank you, Lia, for your kind remarks and compliments.
I think there’s a lot more to be learned and research about this. And yes, we really should think and discuss this more.
I’m interested in hearing what everyone has to say.
May 3rd, 2007 at 3:15 pm, grace Says:
I find it odd and strange,and rather unmanly that a man would want to stay at home and watch the kids all day. Hmmm… I’m not saying that they cannot do it,afterall it shouldn’t really matter what sex watches their own kid, but what happen to doing it on the weekends or in the evenings. What has role reversile done to some of our men? It has made them wimps!
I know…. it’s only an opinion.
May 3rd, 2007 at 3:25 pm, Laura Says:
I had another thought. There’s always talk about how “feminism” is not about equality and all this stuff. But the Equal Rights Amendment doesn’t say “women” or “feminism” anywhere in it, but there was a late but effective push back against it nonetheless by leaders who now call feminists “witches” and worse. So why did the ERA fail? What’s so threatening about “Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex”?
May 3rd, 2007 at 3:38 pm, dana Says:
Laura, good point!
I think some men are becoming threatened by women who are assertive and powerful.
Do you think some women are afraid to fall into the stereotype of wife/mother/homemaker if they choose to stay at home? Because they don’t want their partners/husbands to feel superior because they have a job outside the home?
I wonder if this caller wants to be home with her kids but also wants to make sure her husband doesn’t “rule her”? I might not be making my point very clear, please forgive me.
May 4th, 2007 at 12:01 am, Violet the Verbose Says:
Wow, what an interesting thing you heard on the radio! I think that both the caller and the deejay were a bit off - perhaps they both felt defensive. The caller sounds like she just wants to be taken care of and that doesn’t sound the least bit feminist to me - just lazy and demanding. That’s crazy to say that men should be expected to be the sole breadwinners and provide their families with everything the woman wants. That’s just ridiculous.
Feminism is not about the woman ruling the man - it’s about the man *not* ruling the woman.
I could very well be wrong about this, but I like to think that most of us in this generation have a more equal view of things and don’t break everything in our marriages, homes and families into “men’s work” and “women’s work.” AND that most of us are realistic enough to figure out what each partner in the marriage needs to do to make ends meet and best meet the other (non-financial) needs of the family.
I always wanted to be able to stay at home to raise my children, but I never actually believed that would happen because I figured my husband and I would both have to work to make ends meet. As it turned out I got very lucky and I *am* able to stay home with the kids - but while my husband does not fully understand the difficulty of raising these girls alone every day while he is at work for 12 or so hours, he sure as hell doesn’t expect to come home to a spotless home with dinner on the table. Often he picks dinner up on his way home (if he’s actually going to be here at that hour), other times he cooks for the family when he gets here.
We both do what is needed to give our girls and ourselves what we need. Yes, it is stressful to be the sole breadwinner. Yes, it is stressful to be the sole childcare provider. There *are* definite inequalities because men and women see things differently, and we probably both have expectations of the other that are unrealistic.
But to expect one partner in the marriage to provide everything and not have any other input than to bring home the bacon? That’s utterly ridiculous. I am very surprised that that caller cited feminist writing in her argument, because from what you wrote I can’t see how what she’s asking for has anything to do with feminism.
I do think that MANY people who call themselves feminists have gone off the deep end and become man-haters, and that has given Feminism a bad name. People often lose sight of the true point of feminism.
May 4th, 2007 at 7:59 am, dana Says:
Caroline! I think you are very, very right. I agree with the point you made that it is very difficult for each person to fit into their role and we shouldn’t be designating men’s vs. women’s tasks when it comes to family and household.
There are some women who proclaim themselves feminists and really just hate men. I suppose it is their right, but yes, it does ring terribly for the rest of the women.