April 30, 2007
All This Talk of Babies
Before I continue with my regularly scheduled post, please visit the Baby Shower and wish the mommies good luck! Also, check out the sponsors and advertisers. There are some really great baby products. I have a baby shower to attend in a June and I’ve already found THE gift. And if you have time, take a peek at my ass & advice. No, wait. I’m not talking about my actual ass. I was trying to say “ass-vice”, a new term that totally has Motherhood Uncensored’s trademark on it. I can tell.
It’s confession time. I’ve had this little (not so little?) topic stewing in my brain for nearly 3 weeks and I’ve had difficulty blogging it. Partly because I’m sure by now my readers think I’m losing my ever-lovin’ mind and also because my dear husband hates when I blog about really personal things. He never reads me, but his co-worker does and I’m sure this bothers Doug more than I realize.
Suck it up, honey. This is my blog. No one really cares about how you feel.
Several months ago I cried and whined and blathered on about my fertility troubles and overall mental health regarding motherhood and pregnancy and the possibility of another child. My doctor prescribed birth control pills to “reset” my body.
I was all set to follow this regime and then realized I was ovulating two weeks ago.
Doug and I had unprotected sex. We were fully aware that pregnancy could potentially happen. We didn’t care. I should rephrase that. I didn’t care. He was worried sick.
I started to think that maybe God decided that birth control pills just weren’t for me and was going to toss a baby in my belly instead. I got really used to the idea. Even though I promised myself I wasn’t ready for Baby #2. Even though I had plans to party it up at BlogHer. Even though I was concentrating on weight loss and healthy eating. Deep inside, I wanted to be pregnant. I told you all how I thought I’d have two children by now.
I even felt pregnant for a spell. My mind was playing tricks on me. But then later I knew I wasn’t. Yet I had hope. For just one moment I willed it to be true.
And so we played the ring around the stick game and two negative tests and a (very late) period later, I now know that Baby #2 is not in the cards this time.
But, why am I sad?
I had plans. It’s not like we were actively trying to have another child. Still, this reality kind of hurts. It makes me wonder if I’m supposed to bring another child into this world.
Prior to today, Doug and I did not practice any birth control. We didn’t feel we had to. We’re Catholic, we’re married and we can support another baby. And Dawson could surely use a sibling. He talks about his imaginary baby sister all the time.
What is the big picture that I am missing? Is there something else in store for me right now? Is God waiting for the “right time”? When will that be?
And so, yesterday I got my period and started birth control. It was a tough pill to swallow. Pun intended.
Motherhood is unpredictable. These little emotional rollercoasters are flipping me and spiraling me. Is it just not “my turn”, as Dawson would say?
I can’t help but wonder if this is just the way things are.
Enough depressing drivel. Things are are fine. I’ll be fine. I feel good. This is just another hurdle to jump over. Right?
Posted by Dana @ 8:36 am • I Often Wonder, Uncategorized
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April 30th, 2007 at 8:46 am, Cheryl Says:
Even if it’s just the way things are doesn’t mean it’s the way things are going to stay. I hope your body adjusts well to the pills. Love you!
April 30th, 2007 at 8:50 am, Dana Says:
Thanks Cheryl! It will work out. Someday.
April 30th, 2007 at 11:37 am, Janet a.k.a Wonder Mom Says:
And I know when its meant to be…it will happen for you…
April 30th, 2007 at 11:38 am, Dana Says:
Thanks Janet.
I know this. It’s just so hard to get comfortable with the idea.
April 30th, 2007 at 2:30 pm, Christina Says:
My husband and I have been very lucky, in that as soon as we were ready to be pregnant, we were, and when we didn’t want to be pregnant, we weren’t. (Even with birth control slip-ups.)
I’m a big believer that everything comes when it’s supposed to. Maybe now is not the right time for you, but maybe the right time is coming soon?
April 30th, 2007 at 3:08 pm, Dana Says:
Christina, I really don’t know. It took 2 1/2 years to get pregnant with Dawson so I guess I’m just expecting it to be as difficult as always. It just sucks.
But I don’t dare even worry about it because I’m not being fair. I don’t really even know how I really feel. That just didn’t make sense.
I guess I have to leave it up to the higher powers.
For now, I will do what the doctor says and we’ll just see what happens.