April 30, 2007

All This Talk of Babies

Before I continue with my regularly scheduled post, please visit the Baby Shower and wish the mommies good luck!  Also, check out the sponsors and advertisers.  There are some really great baby products.  I have a baby shower to attend in a June and I’ve already found THE gift.  And if you have time, take a peek at my ass & advice.  No, wait.  I’m not talking about my actual ass.  I was trying to say “ass-vice”, a new term that totally has Motherhood Uncensored’s trademark on it.  I can tell.

It’s confession time.  I’ve had this little (not so little?) topic stewing in my brain for nearly 3 weeks and I’ve had difficulty blogging it.  Partly because I’m sure by now my readers think I’m losing my ever-lovin’ mind and also because my dear husband hates when I blog about really personal things.  He never reads me, but his co-worker does and I’m sure this bothers Doug more than I realize. 

Suck it up, honey.  This is my blog.  No one really cares about how you feel.

Several months ago I cried and whined and blathered on about my fertility troubles and overall mental health regarding motherhood and pregnancy and the possibility of another child.  My doctor prescribed birth control pills to “reset” my body. 

I was all set to follow this regime and then realized I was ovulating two weeks ago. 

Doug and I had unprotected sex.  We were fully aware that pregnancy could potentially happen.  We didn’t care.  I should rephrase that.  I didn’t care. He was worried sick. 

I started to think that maybe God decided that birth control pills just weren’t for me and was going to toss a baby in my belly instead.  I got really used to the idea.  Even though I promised myself I wasn’t ready for Baby #2.  Even though I had plans to party it up at BlogHer.  Even though I was concentrating on weight loss and healthy eating.  Deep inside, I wanted to be pregnant.  I told you all how I thought I’d have two children by now.

I even felt pregnant for a spell.  My mind was playing tricks on me.  But then later I knew I wasn’t.  Yet I had hope.  For just one moment I willed it to be true.

And so we played the ring around the stick game and two negative tests and a (very late) period later, I now know that Baby #2 is not in the cards this time.

But, why am I sad?

I had plans.  It’s not like we were actively trying to have another child.  Still, this reality kind of hurts.  It makes me wonder if I’m supposed to bring another child into this world. 

Prior to today, Doug and I did not practice any birth control.  We didn’t feel we had to.  We’re Catholic, we’re married and we can support another baby.  And Dawson could surely use a sibling.  He talks about his imaginary baby sister all the time. 

What is the big picture that I am missing?  Is there something else in store for me right now?  Is God waiting for the “right time”?  When will that be?

And so, yesterday I got my period and started birth control.  It was a tough pill to swallow.  Pun intended.

Motherhood is unpredictable.  These little emotional rollercoasters are flipping me and spiraling me.  Is it just not “my turn”, as Dawson would say?

I can’t help but wonder if this is just the way things are.

Enough depressing drivel.  Things are are fine.  I’ll be fine.  I feel good.  This is just another hurdle to jump over.  Right?

April 29, 2007

My Advice for the Mommies

There’s a baby shower going on, in honor of Christina from A Mommy Story, T B of Soul Gardening and Liz of Mom-101.  To celebrate I am offering the best and worse advice I ever received when I became a mother.

Since I’m all for saving the best for last, here is the worst “ass-vice” given to me by my very own mother.

Dawson was born in mid-September, and the weather outside was fairly warm when I brought my precious baby home from the hospital.  My mom was available to hand down all the excellent parenting tidbits she received some 25 years prior when I was just an infant.

Since my mother had given birth to four beautiful children, I assumed she knew what she was talking about when she told me to dress Dawson as warm as possible because a newborn’s body temperature was “significantly lower” (her exact words) than an adult’s.  I put Dawson in a one piece sleeping gown and socks, yet my mom demanded that I put a hat on his head and then wrap my child in a blanket.

Needless to say, my child was sweating and crying for the first ten minutes of the drive home.  I made Doug stop the car just so I could undress him from his pre-winter wear.  I was completely pissed and I wondered how I managed to live as long as I did.

Mothers.  They think they know everything.  Myself included.

The best piece of advice I’ve ever received regarding parenthood came from my father.  He offered his wisdom after watching me suffer through my mother’s ruthless attempts at showing, telling, screaming, NAGGING  me on motherhood.

Dad sat down next to me and said, “You know…it is okay to ignore her when she thinks she know’s what she’s talking about right?  Because it is.”

I’ve never forgotten those words.  Now when Mom is telling me Dawson is too skinny, not warm enough, not tall enough and not eating enough, I just  roll my eyes, smile and nod.  She eventually stops her incessant lecturing when she realizes I’m just trying to appease her.

Congratulations Christina, Liz and T.B. on the very near arrivals of your little ones!

April 26, 2007

Blocked

I’ve tried to come up with something, anything, to write about today and I’ve consistenly drawn a blank at each attempt to sit down and write a blog post.

I start to write a sentence only to stop halfway to look at the garbage spewing across my page.  Blogger’s block is a mutha-you-know-what.

I wanted to write about my visit to a funeral home to pay my respects to my friend Peter.  Then I grew sad and weepy and I knew I couldn’t finish without red eyes and tear-stained cheeks.

I attempted to talk about Dawson’s new, and very much welcomed, attitude.  He hasn’t had a major meltdown in 24 hours.

I know.  I just shot that to hell.

I’d love to discuss women’s issues and politics but it seems to always get me into trouble with people who don’t agree with me.  So I scratched that out.

I was going to write about my plans this weekend, but I can only say so much about going to a Family Fun Fest with Dawson.  Oh yeah, and I could tell you there are train rides, games and face painting fun.  See?  Nothing earth-shattering or really exciting.

So, here I sit.  I’m at work.  I should really be working and not writing, but I needed a break from the busy day. 

Perhaps it’s time for me to find some topics to talk about, yes?

I know I’m looking forward to relieving the boredom that is called my blog.  Wish me luck.

If you have any topic ideas to throw my way, I’d be more than grateful! 

April 25, 2007

A Sad Day

I work in the Audiology field and one of the tasks of my job is to check the newspaper obituaries to see if any of our patients have passed away.  It’s something we do so as to send a sympathy card as well as update our computer system.  There is nothing worse than calling a patient only to discover the person has died.

Imagine my suprise when I opened yesterday’s newspaper and learned that a young man I knew had died. 

Peter and I went to the same high school.  He was two grades behind me.  We had spoken several times, yet we never really knew each other well.  I had a huge crush on his older brother my sophomore year, and his older sister kicked my tail at the Powder Puff (girls flag football) game that same year. 

My mother is a school bus driver and his house was a stop on her route.  I tried to call my mom to let her know what happened, but received her voicemail.  I didn’t leave a message.  I was still in shock.

Coincidentally, my mother came to visit me at lunch and I broke the news.  I watched my mother’s heart break.  She was in shock, just like me.  It was then that I began to cry.

It is so tragic when a life is lost.  Peter was a great guy.  He was always smiling in the halls at school.  He was a joker, too.

I remember a time when Peter, his brother and sister came into my father’s tavern for a Chucklehead (a special drink we served).  He was friendly and kind, willing to talk football with my dad for a few minutes and always said “please” and “thank you”.  I remember he had such wonderful manners. 

Isn’t it funny….?  The things we remember about a person….

The strangest thing about all of this is that I just recently saw Peter around the college campus.  It was only last week when I was taking Dawson to daycare.  I remembered smiling and waving and he waved back.  

Life is so precious and time is so short.

I can’t imagine the grief his family is experiencing.  I can only pray for Peter and his loved ones.

The visitation is tonight.  My mother and I plan to attend.  Part of me is nervous.  I can’t explain why. 

May God be with you, Pete.

April 24, 2007

Link Love - The Mom Edition

I’m at a loss for words today.  I have a lot to write about but my thoughts aren’t making it to the page properly.  And so, to take the pressure off of my brain today, go visit some of my favorite blogs, okay?

Christina is struggling with what to name her baby.  Any advice for her?

Crystal always makes me laugh.  Read her story about her mom babysitting little Harmony.

Mary shares five things she likes about herself.  Carmen started this meme as part of Mission Monday.  Here’s my five things:

1.  I’m a savvy grocery shopper.  I can coordinate grocery lists with my stack of coupons and what’s on sale in the flyers, and walk away with a dump-truck load of goodies for less than $150 every two weeks. 

2.  I can spend the entire day outside with Dawson and not go crazy.  (Indoors is another story.)

3.  I love that I love going to church.  Prayer and silent meditation are important to keeping me grounded.

4.  I’m getting better at yoga.  I wanted to quit at first, but the longer I stick to it, the better I feel.

5.  I feel healthier than I did ten years ago and that’s a great accomplishment.

Mom-101 is gearing up for the delivery of Baby #2.  Read about her third trimester language translations.

Elizabeth just finished a cleaning frenzy.  You’ve gotta read all about her whirlwind tidying.  I think I’d be exhausted for days after that!

Caroline had one of those inevitable mommy-moments.  Go give her some encouragement!

And last but never least, Erin goes to battle over pj’s with booze bottles on them.  Tell her what you think about this outrageous concept.  What are these marketers thinking?