March 9, 2007

Healing Power

I’ve looked back on my last two blog posts and realized what a downer I’ve been.  I can’t really explain what happened to make me all sad and yucky (yes, I said yucky — I can’t help it, I have a toddler), but I had a revelation that it’s time to recognize the good things in my life. 

Yesterday after work, I went to pick up Dawson at daycare only to meet Doug at his workplace to drop off Dawson so he could take him home while I went to the gym.  When I got there, my friend and former co-worker M. was there, ready to burn some fat.  I’ve been a member of this gym for a month and I’ve managed to sweat twenty minutes on the elliptical and weight train 3-4 times a week.  I also practice yoga on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

M. and I got on the side-by-side elliptical trainers and started talking, between breaths, about her upcoming wedding in June.  She’s so excited about her wedding dress and she’s happy to finally notice she’s lost weight and inches.  She mentioned she had a job interview and that it sounds promising but she’s nervous about the benefits and pay scale.  The interviewers hadn’t mentioned anything to her yet.  M. doesn’t want to take this new job if it means a pay cut and no health insurance.  I don’t blame her.  She also told me that Travel Guard has gone down the shitter.  Okay she didn’t say “shitter”, but she did say that morale is at an all time low.  They’ve cut pay in several departments and expect everyone to work mandatory overtime.  Yuck.

It dawned on me that I’m very lucky.  I left Travel Guard in just the right time.  Granted, we struggled financially for a month and a half (holidays are not the time to walk out of work), but I have an amazing job now and I actually feel anxious to get to work each day.  Doug says that I’m still in the new job honeymoon phase and he reminded me that I once felt this way about TG, but to be truthful, working at my new company is completely perfect for me.  I have no complaints.  I actually get to do my work and leave at the end of the day without headaches or dread about what’s in store the next day.

After our workout, M. and I talked a little more at the weight machines before I joined my yoga class.  Toni, our instructor is amazing.  She’s very helpful and she knows exactly how to make me feel calm.  During class she sensed I was struggling with some emotional things and stressed the importance of focusing on my breathing.  An hour later in shavasna (corpse pose) I was so relaxed.  I could almost feel every negative emotion flying out my nose and ears.  All the negative energy evaporated.  After class I had another epiphany.  Last week Yoga was cancelled both Tuesday and Thursday due to the bad snowstorms we had.  Perhaps I was feeling like a mental case because I didn’t take the time to breathe.  I didn’t take the time to focus on all the bad juju in my body and how to release it through my stretching.

When I got home from the gym, little Dawson was so happy to see me.  “Mumma’s home!” he said to Doug.  “Daddy!  Mumma’s home!”  He ran to me to give me a hug and then said, “Mumma, tiss?”  I love how he says kiss, with a ‘t’.  It always makes me smile.

We had a healthy dinner, grilled chicken salad, and watched a documentary on PBS called “Alone in the wilderness”.  Apparently it’s about a man who lived alone in Alaska for a year and built his cabin from the ground up.  I think it’s a museum now.  I was just fascinated at how this man made his own wooden spoon and his own door hinges out of wood.

When it was time to go to bed, Dawson crawled in with me. As he was lying next to me he squeezed my hand and said, “Mumma, I wanna hode joo.”

He curled up tight to me, his legs in my ribs, his beautiful face near my ear and he put his arms around my neck.  I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks.  It doesn’t get any better than this.  My little boy wanted to hold me.  He wanted to help me fall asleep.  The little boy who depends on me, the child I rock to sleep, the sweet baby I would hold just because I loved him so….now he was holding me in his tiny little arms. 

March 8, 2007

Another Blue Day

This morning I awoke to the sound of one lonely bird chirping.  There are several feet of snow outside and yet this little bird sang his song cheerfully as though Spring was arriving at any second.

I lay in my sleepy stupor, listening to the little sparrow (cardinal? robin?).  His joy to be alive rang in my ears.

What have I been so depressed about?  Why can’t I just get out of bed with glee?  With the same happiness to be alive? 

Why can’t I appreciate the good people and feelings in my life?  I have a kind husband, who does love me, even though I talk myself into believe he’s simply stuck with me.  I have a beautiful son who’s world revolves around my every move.  He craves my attention, my love, my hugs and kisses; and while I shower him with affection I sometimes feel like the little alien is smothering me. 

When did I turn into such a mess?  There are so many questions I have, but yet I can’t find the answers.  Have I always felt this way?  Why didn’t I notice it before?  Am I suffering depression or am I just underappreciated and tired?

Is this just seasonal because it’s winter and I hate the damn snow and cold weather?  Am I just anxious for life to perk up?  Perhaps I long for warm summer days when the sun is shining and the Vitamin D is soaking into my skin, making me feel more alive.

My mother will tell me to take Serotonin.  Or maybe she’ll tell me to pray the Rosary and I’ll feel better.  I will laugh at her quirky ways.  I will laugh at how she always “knows” what’s best for me.  Why don’t I know what’s best for me?

Instead I’m going to try to learn from the sparrow (cardinal? robin?) and sing a happy song of joy.  Joy that I’m alive.  And like my grandmother once said, “This too, shall pass.”