November 27, 2006
Double Post Monday
I’ve been dragging the last few days. I just don’t feel like doing anything. Today, I had errands to run around town and I managed to get all but one completed. I didn’t make it to the post office because I forgot the items I had to mail. I just didn’t feel like going home to get them and backtrack back to the post office.
I feel a little depressed. I really hate admitting this because I don’t want to be portrayed as a weak woman. I have a lot to be happy about. I have a loving husband. Sure, he gets on my nerves quite often the last few weeks, but this is normal. Right? I mean, there is no such thing as a perfect husband and if there was, I wouldn’t want him. The marriage would be miserable, because I myself am no perfect wife. But why do I sometimes want to smother him with a pillow? Internet readers, don’t take that the wrong way. I could never actually kill him. I promise. Does anyone else feel this way?
Another thing to be thankful for is my beautiful son. Dawson is growing, changing and learning so much. Every day he learns a new word. Yesterday’s word du jour was “ice” and today it’s “fart”. I think his father taught him that one. He things saying “fart” is the funniest thing. I believe this is because we laugh hysterically with him when he does it. (Says the word “fart”, not because he actually farts.)
I don’t know if being jobless has caused my recent bout of depression. I recognized some of these symptoms months ago and vowed to get over this mountain of troubles. Financial stress of bills and debts, the stress of not being the perfect wife and mother, and being so afraid of failure really make it difficult for me to get through every day. I am somehow capable of putting on my fake happy face and I think I’m getting away with this facade for the most part. But damnit, it’s really fucking exhausting.
Why is it so hard as women to ask for help? Why is it so hard for us to admit we are drowning? I know not everyone feels what I feel, but please tell me I’m not alone.
Sure, I read about others’ going through this stuff, but it never really sinks in. I always feel like I’m the only woman in the world who can’t crawl out of the hole she dug for herself.
I don’t want to bring everyone down with me with this sappy, wallowing post, but if I can’t express my thoughts and feelings somehow, I’ll burst. I’ll burst that delusional perfect bubble I created to hold me together.
Sometimes I think it’s the stress of the holidays that adds to my funk. But what if these are just excuses? Excuses to help me cope? And if they are excuses to help me cope, is it really wrong to keep using these excuses?
I think the one person helping me to keep my shit together is my little boy. He looks at me so adoringly that I instantly feel like I can’t let him down. I try harder. The more I try the more tired I become. Lately, Dawson has been very clingy to me. I often wonder if he has a bit of ESP. Maybe he knows when I’m feeling blue and instinctively comes to my rescue with extra hugs and kisses for his Mumma. He’s a little miracle. He really is.
I think it may be time to consult a physician about the big “D”. Maybe I need medication. Maybe I don’t. I’ll never know if I don’t do something about it.
So, I ask you, dear blog friends. Pray for me. Even a little one goes a long way.
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November 27th, 2006 at 9:56 pm, Beth F. Says:
Oh Dana. You are not alone. So not alone. I can completely relate with your feelings, when I feel down (as I do now…must be the holidays) I try to focus on what is right in my life, as I feel you are doing. Contine to focus on those postives, focus on your accomplishments, focus on the love in your life–which is plentiful and try to let that drive you. I know depression can be bigger than all of those things, though. Do not be afraid to speak with a doctor.
My prayers are with you.
November 27th, 2006 at 10:55 pm, becca Says:
Tis the season to be disorder syndrome. I think we are all feeling it, the end of the year and moms have a hard time balacing the world. Go see the doctor and get some info and then make choices. Nothing wrong with wanting to feel happy and good. Sending you a big hug, girl!
November 28th, 2006 at 5:43 am, Janet a.k.a Wonder Mom Says:
We all go there.
We find the little things that make us happy but sometimes even the most obvious reasons for happiness don’t always work. I have a hard time finding happiness in the everyday. I used to find it difficult to live in the moment and I’d look forward to big events then get disappointed and depressed when they were over. I always hated the holidays so these times are hard for me….I found help in therapy and medication for years. It’s not forever. It just helps you shed some light on things.
I wish you luck in whatever you decide. You are not alone…
November 28th, 2006 at 8:30 am, Mammacheryl Says:
Oh sweetie. You’re definitely not alone. I take a low dose of Zoloft for an anxiety disorder, and it helps with depression as well. A few times a year I start to get in a “hole” as you put it. I find myself curling up in a little ball inside and refusing to socialize with anyone, even close friends. Eventually, the days get brighter, and I always know that I could increase my dose of Zo if I needed to. (I used to be on the max dose, but switched to the lowest dose when I was preggers with Ben). If medication or cognitive therapy is what you need, I hope you’re able to take the first step and reach out beyond the blogosphere. Until then, of course we all will be praying for you.
November 28th, 2006 at 9:30 am, Caffeinated Librarian Says:
Hey, lady. Sorry to hear about the job…and yes, add that to this stressful time of year and just about anyone would start looking at their life with “the glass is half empty” glasses. It may pass, but if you’ve been dealing with it for a while talking to a doctor and getting some options is probably a good thing. Hang in there, it will get better.
November 28th, 2006 at 12:19 pm, Violet the Verbose Says:
Oh darlin’ I totally understand. Every day I feel like I’m drowning and will never have a clean house, be able to make dinner more than once a week (if even that), that I’m not giving the kids what they need from me… you name it.
A friend and I often talk about how unnatural it is to raise kids the way we do it - in single families. Without the help of the extended family (even if you live in the same neighborhood, most people don’t have their parents, etc. there every day) or “the village,” you know how they say “it takes a village to raise a child.” These days we don’t do it that way and I think it has made life SO much more difficult for everyone. If we lived in larger family units or had stronger communities we’d have a lot of help from other people, the way it used to be.
Yes, I am an idealist and probably a big ole hippie too. But wouldn’t it be great to be able to share the raising of the children across a larger group of adults than just two? I know I would feel a little more like I could get the things done that I needed to do (and maybe even some that I *wanted* to do, too!)
November 28th, 2006 at 2:00 pm, Kate O'Brien Says:
Dana
I can so relate to everything you wrote. I will be praying for you and your family. I have dealt with depression since I was 16 years old and have plenty of experience with meds and so forth so if you need someone to talk to please know that I am here for you! Hang in there!
November 28th, 2006 at 7:27 pm, Dana Says:
It’s friends like you all that make me feel so very much better! Thank you all from the bottome of my heart! I did make an appointment with my doctor. Just to check myself and make sure I’m really not losing it. And if I am, I’ll find a way to overcome it! Thank you again!