October 27, 2006
Motherhood Illusions
When I was pregnant, I had all sorts of pregnancy dreams. Fantasies really. I imagined that I would be one of those cute, coordinated pregnant women who looked as though the sun rises and sets in their eyes. I imagined that I would have an easy pregnancy, followed by an easy delivery and I also thought that I would have an easy recovery. I was blinded by pregnancy hormones that made me think it would be a piece of cake to lose all the weight from having a child. My rose-colored glasses fit perfectly. I saw through these tinted lenses, a life of bliss. I would be one of those organized mothers who had her shit together all the time. My child would be perfect, my house would be clean and my husband would be happy and content to help me when I felt like my brain was oozing out my nostrils.
What I’ve learned is that my perceptions of perfect motherhood were all distorted.
I had pre-eclampsia, 7 weeks of bed rest (almost eight really), the delivery was easy (waiting around for the doctor to break my water was the hard part), my stitches didn’t heal properly, I couldn’t catch on to nursing for several days, and my husband was MORE than happy to clean the house (it was helping with Dawson that he wasn’t so sure about).
And here I am, two years later and I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Sure, I pretend well, but in reality, I’m flying through motherhood by the seat of my pants.
I’m constantly worrying that I’m not raising my son right. I’m afraid that I’m losing my mind. I can’t stand working and putting him in daycare, but then some days I’m glad I have an outlet to be me and not Dawson’s mommy. But then I feel guilty for saying how I feel because it may not be accepted in today’s twisted society.
I worry about politics and the direction this country is going in. I don’t want Dawson to grow up in this disheveled country but I love America so much I wouldn’t want him to grow up anywhere else.
I worry that my husband thinks I’m not a good enough mother, even though he tells me that I’m doing the best job I know how to do.
I’m constantly self-examining my thoughts, my words, my actions. Making sure I really think, speak, and do what I know is right. I don’t like second-guessing myself, but I’ve become so accustomed to it that it’s all I know.
I sometimes think I suffer from depression, because I’m so prone to the symptoms. But yet, I know I’m okay, I just don’t believe I’m okay. Or do I?
My husband doesn’t really understand where this multiplication of feelings and emotions comes from. All I can say is that it’s a lot harder to be a mother than to be a father. At least in my family, it is. I’m the one who holds the three of us together. I’m mother, wife, woman, and friend all at once and it’s flippin’ exhausting.
My perceptions are no longer distorted they are blurry. And I just need to find the right glasses to see clearly again. What is the correct prescription for perfection? I know it doesn’t exist, but why do I think it HAS to exist?
Posted by Dana @ 10:26 am • Uncategorized
RSS feed for comments on this post.
TrackBack URI
October 27th, 2006 at 11:56 am, sj Says:
if you find those fantabulous glasses, let me know. welcome to mommyhood and wearing 12 different hats at the same time. i completely understand where you’re coming from in every aspect you wrote about. to be honest, none of us really have a clue what raising a child is all about these days. just be confident in your love and support for dawson. really, that’s all he ultimately needs, isn’t it? your time and love and affection and support for the little person he is and the boy he will become is all he’ll really ever need. and isn’t that what we’re all looking for anyway? give him as a son what you desire as a daughter and the rest will fall into place.
October 27th, 2006 at 1:47 pm, Dana Says:
Thanks SJ! I’m glad to have some reassurance! -hugs-
October 28th, 2006 at 8:56 pm, clair Says:
I’m a worry wart myself . This motherhood thing, I’m mostly figuring things out as I go along. It can get pretty overwhelming trying to be be all things to everyone. LOL I love the idea of mommy glasses though.
January 7th, 2007 at 2:20 am, Don Lapre Lenny Says:
Thanks for sharing your own experience with us…and by the by ,I like your sweet blog to go thorough…
Don Lapre Lenny
webmaster@katesoriginals.com
http://www.katesoriginals.com