October 6, 2006

My Mountain

“This time Lord, you gave me a mountain. A mountain I may never climb. It isn’t, Lord, a hill any longer. You gave me a mountain this time.”

Some of you may be thinking I’m listening to Elvis Presley. Well, not currently, but on my way to work I sometimes pop in the King’s music to get me revved and awake for work. There’s something about “All Shook Up” that livens me up a little.

But this morning, I listened to the words to the song “You Gave Me A Mountain”, the chorus which I’ve typed above, and realized it rang true for me. I’ve got a mountain to climb and I don’t know if I can do it.

Lately, my life is calm, unusually calm. My marriage is solid. I’m happy and content and more in love with my husband than ever before. My son is beautiful and healthy and learning and growing right before my eyes. My dog is ever faithful. My relationship with my mom is stronger than I ever remember it. Even my sister and I are getting long like never before.

Sure, I haven’t been happy with my job lately, and I’ve thought of walking out one day and never coming back, but I realized that no job is perfect and it’s up to me to make it better. Since my attitude adjustment about my professional life, things have been looking up.

I have finally come to terms with the fall out with former friends, too. I thought I would miss them terribly, and while I’m still saddened by the events that took place, I’m content with the fact that we parted ways. Now that the barrel of emotions, both sadness and anger and heartbreak, have subsided, I’m happy in my life and I wish them the same; happiness and good fortune. I can’t hold a grudge forever.

So, yes, my life is unusually calm. No drama. No chaos. No day-to-day stress. The worst things that have happened in the last few weeks have been dealing with toddler temper tantrums and thankfully, these end quickly!

But even amidst this calm in my life, I can’t help but feel depressed. I know that many others often have these moments of despair, uncertainty, worry, doubt, [insert emotion here]. Are these emotions new for me? No. Are these emotions I can control? I think so. Then why do I feel helpless? I don’t know.

Last month at my annual pelvic exam, my doctor asked me several questions about my “mental health”. Studies show, he said to me, that women are more prone to depression and that Rice Medical has seen an increase in cases of depression among women, mostly mothers, who are suffering from delayed PPD or seasonal depression. Because of this increase they are taking measures to make female patients more aware of these conditions. I mentioned that I was concerned about this, because of my family’s history of these types of illnesses.

He asked me to keep a journal. This should be a journal of good days, okay days and bad days. It was in that moment that I realized it’s better to be safe than sorry. Yes. I would document my days.

After I had given birth to Dawson, I had my hormonal/emotional days of crying uncontrollably, even over happy things. I remember those days. They soon passed. Or at least I thought they had passed. It wasn’t until Dawson was 18 months old that I started having “symptoms” of depression. But I denied that it was depression. I didn’t think I had a problem. I still don’t believe I have a problem. Even though depression runs in my family. I don’t think there is a problem.

But lately, I think there’s a problem and I want to fix it. I want to fix it so badly. But I don’t know where to begin. I know that I’m not always happy. But I don’t know if I’m always sad. My brain has been working overtime, analyzing and re-analyzing whether or not I’m crazy. And I hate the word “crazy” because it’s so negative, but this is what keeps running through my mind.

Am I crazy? And if I were crazy, would I really be sitting around wondering if I am crazy? Do I need medication? Do I just need to relax? Exercise more? Change my diet? Spend more time with family? Will that make these negative feelings go away? Will happy thoughts replace bad thoughts in my brain? What should I do? Should I see a therapist? Again? Can I go through that? I didn’t do so well the first time and that was experimental for me. I really didn’t think I need to go then and I did. Should I go back? What will Doug think? Will he support me? What will Dawson think when he’s older? Maybe I’m just overreacting. Maybe this is normal, to feel this way.

See what I mean? I don’t know what to do. I have this mountain in front of me and I don’t have the ropes and guides to climb it.

What if I fall? What if I get to the other side and realize I didn’t accomplish anything at all? But, on the other hand, what if I make it to the other side and things are better? How will I handle the outcome either way?

“This time Lord, you gave me a mountain. A mountain I may never climb. It isn’t, Lord, a hill any longer. You gave me a mountain this time.”

But damn it…I’m sure going to try. I’m going to do my best to climb this mountain. And I hope to see you on the other side.

Posted by Dana @ 10:03 AM • Uncategorized