October 31, 2006

It’s Official: I Spend Too Much Time With My Son

Spending time with Dawson is not a bad thing. In fact, I love my time with him. The occasional temper tantrum exhausts me, but I’m learning to take a breather and not get my blood pressure up too much.

However, I’ve noticed that my days with Dawson are spent watching Sesame Street, The Backyardigans and endless videos (that we borrow from the library) of Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends. Let me just say that I know the Thomas theme song (“….he’s the Number One!! Thomas the Tank Engine!”) by heart. And I often sing it even when the silly show is not on.

And not only that, but I’ve been listening to the Backyardigan’s Soundtrack in my car even after I drop Dawson off at daycare.

Heaven help me.

I’m turning into one of those mothers who lives and breathes children’s music and television shows.

When did this happen?

October 28, 2006

Visit Me at BlogHer

My very first entry is up at BlogHer.

Please visit me there and leave a comment. I’m excited, nervous and anxious all rolled into one.

Happy Saturday!

October 27, 2006

Motherhood Illusions

When I was pregnant, I had all sorts of pregnancy dreams. Fantasies really. I imagined that I would be one of those cute, coordinated pregnant women who looked as though the sun rises and sets in their eyes. I imagined that I would have an easy pregnancy, followed by an easy delivery and I also thought that I would have an easy recovery. I was blinded by pregnancy hormones that made me think it would be a piece of cake to lose all the weight from having a child. My rose-colored glasses fit perfectly. I saw through these tinted lenses, a life of bliss. I would be one of those organized mothers who had her shit together all the time. My child would be perfect, my house would be clean and my husband would be happy and content to help me when I felt like my brain was oozing out my nostrils.

What I’ve learned is that my perceptions of perfect motherhood were all distorted.

I had pre-eclampsia, 7 weeks of bed rest (almost eight really), the delivery was easy (waiting around for the doctor to break my water was the hard part), my stitches didn’t heal properly, I couldn’t catch on to nursing for several days, and my husband was MORE than happy to clean the house (it was helping with Dawson that he wasn’t so sure about).

And here I am, two years later and I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Sure, I pretend well, but in reality, I’m flying through motherhood by the seat of my pants.

I’m constantly worrying that I’m not raising my son right. I’m afraid that I’m losing my mind. I can’t stand working and putting him in daycare, but then some days I’m glad I have an outlet to be me and not Dawson’s mommy. But then I feel guilty for saying how I feel because it may not be accepted in today’s twisted society.

I worry about politics and the direction this country is going in. I don’t want Dawson to grow up in this disheveled country but I love America so much I wouldn’t want him to grow up anywhere else.

I worry that my husband thinks I’m not a good enough mother, even though he tells me that I’m doing the best job I know how to do.

I’m constantly self-examining my thoughts, my words, my actions. Making sure I really think, speak, and do what I know is right. I don’t like second-guessing myself, but I’ve become so accustomed to it that it’s all I know.

I sometimes think I suffer from depression, because I’m so prone to the symptoms. But yet, I know I’m okay, I just don’t believe I’m okay. Or do I?

My husband doesn’t really understand where this multiplication of feelings and emotions comes from. All I can say is that it’s a lot harder to be a mother than to be a father. At least in my family, it is. I’m the one who holds the three of us together. I’m mother, wife, woman, and friend all at once and it’s flippin’ exhausting.

My perceptions are no longer distorted they are blurry. And I just need to find the right glasses to see clearly again. What is the correct prescription for perfection? I know it doesn’t exist, but why do I think it HAS to exist?

October 25, 2006

Thank You!!

Thank you to everyone who commented on my post about my quest to stay home with Dawson. I’ve come to a few conclusions/decisions.

I will be posting them later today! The dreaded work has gotten in the way!

Thank you again!

Dana

UPDATED 10/27/2006: I’m not staying home yet. Some things have come into play for me and until I work them out, it is difficult to make a decision to quit my job.

But knowing I have a support system of other bloggers and friends to give me advice and to support my irrational thoughts and crazy posts, is a gift I am grateful for!

Thank you to everyone. Soon enough things will come into play for me!