August 19, 2006

Rollercoasters of Death, According to Mom

“This is the true story, of seven family members, picked to travel in an RV, on their way to Six Flags Great America, to find out what happens, when they stop being polite, and start getting real. The Real World.”

(Okay, a little over the top for an intro, but I kind of like it. Hey! I couldn’t think of anything more creative! Four hour drive each way and you bet your ass we were on edge!)

On Thursday, my father loaded up his motor home and took us to Great America in Gurnee, Illinois. We departed at 6 a.m. and the fun began. Dad drove, Mom sat in the dinette and proceed to dictate safer driving methods.

My brother Frankie slept on the top bunk above the “cockpit” for most of the way, occasionally shouting obscenities under his breath because we were all too loud.

My sister Rachel complained she had an upset stomach and told us all to “stop effing pissing me off or I’ll kick your asses.”

My brother Nathan read GQ magazine (and my mother kept lecturing about the cover’s story lines about a phone-sex addict. “Why are you reading TRASH! She’d say to him.)

I sat in one of the extra swivel chairs and held Dawson who was fussy because he wanted to sit on his Poppa’s lap. Eventually, Dad let him “drive” and I was freakin’ out for twenty minutes. Finally we crashed in the back bed to sleep and make funny faces at the semi-trucks behind us.

We stopped in Milwaukee and I offered to drive. My father taught me how to drive the big rig. Let me just say that RV’s have a different center of gravity and they like to sway. That ws kind of creepy. Me driving an RV. Doug would have been so proud. Too bad he had to work. Driving in the big city was a bit scary, but I survived! Just outside Milwaukee, Dad and I traded again because Dawson was crabby.

We managed to get through some road construction, long Illinois tollbooths and avoided some traffic accidents. When we finally arrived at the amusement park it was 11:45 and my dad was a little irritated that we didn’t get at the park right at 10 a.m. when they opened. This turned out okay, though, because many of the rides weren’t operating until Noon.

My parents took Dawson to Camp Looney Tunes and Cartoon Network Land, while my brothers, sister and I went on some rollercoasters. We went on the Raging Bull, The Viper, The Whizzer (only because there was no line) and then headed over to Super Man (this ride ROCKED!).

Rachel and Frankie had never been on a rollercoaster before and were extremely pissed when I failed to mention some of the rides go upside down. But they loved it (they just wanted to give me a hard time).

After Super Man, Nathan dragged us to Vertical Velocity (V2) because he’d been on it several years ago. He lied to me. He told me I’d love it and that it wasn’t scary. Yeah RIGHT. Freakin’ almost lost my cookies. It was like being on rubberband. I can’t even describe the feeling! I do know I was a little yucky after that.

We met up with my parents and swapped Dawson. Nate took Dad on the V2 and even he hated it. Good to know I came from that tree. I took Dawson on a few pint-sized rides and it started to rain so we all went back to the RV to get my mom who had been taking a nap. Nathan decided to sleep for awhile so that he could drive home later. The rest of us decided to take Mom on a few coasters. We planned it so we could all stand in line at the same time and just swap Dawson once the other half of our party came back from their turn.

We took Mom on the American Eagle first. She asked me, “Will my teeth fall out on this ride?” Of course I said no, and she asked me, “Are you suuuuuuuure?” She was that scared. She closed her eyes the entire time.

Being the smart ass that I am, after the Eagle I said, “Mom, let’s go on the Iron Wolf. It’ll be fun.” She didn’t argue. She just asked if it the ride goes upside down. “Not that I remember.” I said. Just as we got on the Iron Wolf, the ride in which you stand up inside a harness, she asked me, “You promise it won’t go upside down?” I just smiled and said, “I promise you won’t die.”

As the ride started my poor unsuspecting mother thought she was in for a fun time, and then we went on the first upside down loop. Suddenly I hear yelling coming from my dear mom next to me. “Aaaaaaarrrrreeee yooooooooouuuuuuuu TRYING TO KIILLLLLL MEEEEEEEEEEEE???”

I couldn’t stop laughing. I’m cruel. I’m vicious. A minute later the ride ended. We got out of our harnesses and she looked at me and said, “You lied! Liar! I’m telling your father.” I was still laughing. My brother and sister were laughing. Rachel told my mom, “She didn’t lie. She promised you wouldn’t die. You’re alive.” Mom looked at her as we walked toward my dad, “You’re evil. All of you. I think I’m sick. I’m too old for this.”

Dad asked Mom how her ride was and she said to him, “I can’t believe you didn’t warn me about these evil children we have. They took me on the rollercoasters of death!” To make her feel better, Dawson and I took her on Scoobie Doo’s magic mystery bus. She seemed to like that one better. I think I’m out of the will, by the way.

After 10 long hours of rides and fun, we headed home. All of tired and cranky and fighting over who was sleeping where in the motor home. We saw a terrible traffic accident just outside the park and instantly Mom started with her Hail Mary’s. The last thing I remember is falling asleep with Dawson and waking up when Nathan (who drove home half way) dropped us off at our house at 12:30 a.m.

It was a great time! Pictures should be up at Flickr soon!

August 14, 2006

Public Service Announcement

Special Announcement:

The Dana Files has been quarantined effective immediately until further notice. Germ Warfare has begun. The grandparents have been drafted to assist sick Danaa with sterilizing the entire house. Little Doodlebug has been a vomit/diarrhea vermin (that was especially thrown in for FaeryTale Dreams).

Please pray that we are well soon.

*End of Bulletin*

August 12, 2006

We Are Addicted

Something crazy has happened in our household. We’ve become addicted to the Food Network. Sometimes, we watch it all day and all night on the weekends. And after work, we make dinner while watching the various evening shows like 30-Minute Meals with Rachel Ray, Paula’s Home Cooking, Everyday Italian and Emeril Live. Emeril is my favorite. What can I say? I adore a man who can cook who’s handsome and has a sexy “Loo-see-anna” meets “New Yauka” accent. Doug is always enthralled by Good Eats and Unwrapped. We’ve probably watched every single episode and sometimes we sit through the repeats. It’s a crazy thing. Even little Dawson is addicted. He won’t move from the couch when Alton Brown comes on. Doug is ecstatic that his son will receive “a cooking education, mixed with science, that his Momma didn’t get”. Yes, I threw my shoe at his funny ass.

I also love Rachel Ray. She’s kind of silly-dorky-quirky. Uh huh. Just like yours truly. I can’t help it. I was born “dork-a-licious”, you know? I’ve been learning a lot of new recipes. And I’ve found millions of different ways to dress up the cucumbers, tomatoes and peppers in my garden so the Food Network rocks. Don’t get me started on how many times of day I’m on the website looking for recipes I missed!

Because of my obsession, my Aunt Kathy gave me a Rachel Ray: 365 No Repeats cookbook for my birthday. She knew I was obsessed before I did. I finally realized our family has a substance abuse problem when we were demanding to know if Alton’s Feasting on Asphalt was going to be on last night.

“Doug, is Alton’s new show on tonight?” I asked.

“It better be!” he said.

“What if it’s not? What if we have the wrong day?”

“Then I’m blaming YOU for now looking in the TV Guide.”

Another funny thing happened when we were making dinner last night. I had Emeril Live on the TV and Dawson was wandering around the living room with a plastic spork. He looked at the television and then yelled, “Em-a-ell! Bam! Bam! Bam!” as he pointed his spork at my favorite (handsome) chef. I wish I would have remembered to take a picture!

I’ve never laughed so hard in my life. My child wants to be a chef so he can kick things up a notch. Maybe he’ll go to French Culinary School and create his own Essence! Can you imagine! Perhaps I should start teaching him to cook now, at 2 years old, and I’ll never have to cook again!

On second thought, this may be a terrible idea. Toddlers using stoves and ovens is sure to get the Child Protective Services on my ass, don’t you think?

Alright, I must be going now because The Barefoot Contessa will be on soon.

Happy Cooking Everyone!

August 10, 2006

The Mommy Blogger Panel of Miss Zoot

The following questions are from Miss Zoot’s Mommy Panel. If you’d like to answer them, please visit her fabulous blog!

1. Do your kids know about your blog? If they’re too young to know, do you plan to keep it open to them as they get older?

Dawson is only 23 months old, so he knows Mommy types on that keyboard thing a lot, but he doesn’t understand what a blog is. I think he thinks it’s fun to run past me and hit the ESC key simply because I told him “Don’t touch that button!” I do plan to let him know about my blogging as soon as he’s old enough to read. I think that will be age three considering how smart he is now. Maybe I can teach him to read now? What do you think? High expectations on my part?

2a. If so – do you worry they may get embarrassed later? What would you do if they asked you to stop writing about them? What would you do if they wanted you to take it down all together?

I don’t worry that Dawson will become embarrassed because I’m not writing anything that will damage his psyche or self-esteem in anyway. I’m positive he’ll see this blog as a reflection of my parenting. My frustrating moments as well as all the happy and positive moments. The good days are definitely astronomical compared to the bad. I think that’s normal. But normal is such a generic word. I think it’s common to share some off kilter moments.

3. Do you think our kids will appreciate the archive of their childhood? Do you wish your parents had done the same?

I think our parents archived the first-born child’s milestones more than their younger siblings. And they used baby books and often forgot to write in them or to take pictures. Not only has blogging become a big past time for me, but scrapbooking, too. I’m a camera nazi. I have albums galore for Dawson. I just have to make sure to document the lives of my other children, when I have them, of course.

4. Do you go back and re-read your past parenting milestones? Do you realize you forgot a lot?

I find myself re-reading my posts a lot. Simply because I’m always afraid I said something stupid or because I’ll find minor spelling or punctuation mistakes and my brain won’t rest until they are fixed. I don’t really forget too much. I’ve got a good memory for writing. It’s talking that makes me forget what to say.

5. What about your children’s friends/teachers/moms-of-friends? What if they found your blog? Do you tell your child not to tell anyone about it or are they free to talk about it? Do you worry their teachers or other parents will think it’s weird?

I don’t write anything that I will be ashamed of later. I usually use pseudonyms for people that I am unsure of when writing. I don’t want to offend, but I do want to be honest and write what I experience. It’s a fine line to cross I suppose and I’m sure I’ll cross it eventually. I try not to write anything that I wouldn’t tell someone face to face. I guess if I really needed to vent I’d have to open an anonymous venting blog. Hey! That’s a good idea!